Interview With Unit Commander

Lieutenant Dmitri Yazov, leader of Army Unit 16 which now patrols the Central City region of Revodna during the period of martial law introduced recently.

Revodna, 3 p.m — The journalist representing StateTV1, RadioKOS, and The Daily Truth spoke this afternoon with Lieutenant Dmitri Yazov, commander of the Red Banner Unit of the 6th Army Division of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army. Lt. Yazov arrived in Revodna from the small village of Kulikia only after the imposition of martial law last week by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov.

Reporter: How have you found the citizens of Revodna since your arrival?

Lt. Yazov: I am amazed at how committed the citizens of Revodna are to the Revolutionary ideal as defined by President and Chairman Vladik, Deputy President and Deputy Chairman Kulik, and Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov! They are truly alive with the spirit of Koskovian Socialism!

Reporter: How have the citizens of Koskovia reacted to the introduction of martial law during this period of uncertainty?

Lt. Yazov: They have reacted as expected — with enthusiasm and joy at the measures taken by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov in her desire to secure the nation until President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are recovered safe and sound following the recent terrorist attacks against the President’s Lake Koskovia esta— excuse me, modest cabin, which is truly the property of the Koskovian people!

Reporter: How can the citizens of Koskovia best serve the Revolution in these uncertain days?

Lt. Yazov: By standing by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov, and by following all orders of the legitimate government and of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army. They should remain calm, avoid sexual contact which tends to angry up the blood, limit caffeine intake, and continue to attend the voluntary meetings of local party groups in the area, as attendance will be taken as always, to ensure voluntary coöperation.

Citizens must remember as well that soldiers are legally allowed to enter their homes, to search their persons, and to request food and beverages when needed. My men, and all members of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army, know enough not to make such requests unless absolutely necessary, despite what the rumor mill may say. Any evidence of abuse of power simple does not exist!

Reporter: Have you any indication when the period of martial law might end?

Lt. Yazov: As soon as the President and Deputy President are recovered safely, martial law will end upon their return to the capital as they resume their duties and the crisis ends.

Reporter: Can you tell us anything about the war against Dictarabistan?

Lt. Yazov: Such information, of course, is classified, however all indications are that the war is now within measurable distance of its end. Our soldiers are, according to the Ministry of Defense, approaching the capital of that foul nation.

Reporter: Have you yourself served in the war?

Lt. Yazov: No. As you know, my father Sergei was recently appointed to the Central Committee by Deputy President Kulik. My father told me that I would be aiding the nation by helping him in his capacity as a member of the Central Committee and in his work in furthering the Revolution.

Reporter: Of course, a very valid explanation that no man or woman could find fault with, coming from a luminary such as your father. Any reports of your cowardice or privilege are simply untrue.

Lt. Yazov: Yes, of course. My father whole-hearted supports the war against Dictarabistan, as do I, despite the fact that I’ve never been closer than 500 miles to the front line. My best wishes are with my comrades of the working class who are the backbone of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army.

Reporter: Thank you.