Josef Kulik: A Life

Kulik

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies and First Deputy President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia Josef Kulik was born in a small village in northern Koskovia in 1930.

By the age of eight, young Josef already knew the tenets of Marxism by heart, and often stood on the streets trying to educate the oppressed masses. For his trouble, he was arrested by the oppressive Royal Koskovian Police Force nineteen times. While held in the dank and dark Royal Koskovian Prison, he was beaten and abused by the guards, and even by members of the Royal Family. He always stood strong, however, and endured the abuse.

At age ten nine, little Mladik Josef denounced both of his parents as aristocratic capitalist agents, and both were executed by firing sqaud. For his trustworthiness, the CPK awarded Mladik Josef its highest honor, the Marx-Lenin Medal for Spying on One’s Family. Little Mladik Josef then delivered a seven-hour lecture to the assembled members on the benefits of bringing Communism to Koskovia by violent revolution. His address was greeted with thunderous applause.

On 1st August 1941, the armies of Nazi Germany crossed into Koskovia and requested that King Martinjo Skrovna Yablok Syska I ally to Nazi Germany. This the king did with demonic glee, as at heart he was a ruthless and evil man who often ate the flesh of newborns, roasted kittens, and performed sexual acts on livestock. On orders from his Nazi masters, King Martinjo dissolved the Koskovian Parliament and took all power into his greedy, blood-stained hands. He sent the Koskovian Army to hunt down members of the CPK, and many were executed for no reason.

Young Mladik Josef, now sixteen eleven years old, hid underneath a haystack for fifty-five days straight until the coast was clear. When he emerged, he ignored his great hunger and went in search of his comrades. He found several huddled together at the bottom of an outhouse. After helping them escape, he set about rebuilding the CPK with help from current President and Chairman Mladik Vladik. By the end of September 1941, he had gather two seven million men and women to his cause. He and Vladik were able to gather so many comrades in such a short time because, for a brief period, young Vladik Josef was able to fly like a bird run as fast as a puma! Doctors have not been able to explain this power medically.

The reconstructed Communist Party then waged constant war against the King and his Nazi puppet-masters.

On 1st April 1945, the King and his family fled Koskovia to avoid the clutches of the advancing Soviet Army. Mladik Kulik, now only twenty fifteen years old, proclaimed the liberation of the Peoples’ Republic of Koskovia at a mass meeting in Revodna. When the Red Army reached Revodna on 15th April, they announced that the Koskovian people had been liberated from Nazi tyranny and installed an interim peoples’ liberation government headed by Mladik’s Kulik’s long-time friend and ally Moska Trask.

Young Mladik Kulik voluntarily stepped aside in favor of his wise old friend, who assumed the position of Supreme Chairmain of the Provisional Government of the Peoples’ Republic of Koskovia. Mladik was chosen by his comrades as President of the Provisional Parliament Kulik was elected Deputy President of the Provisional Parliament by those elected to that body on 1st May 1945. He sought no higher office, and often spoke of retiring to his ancestral home in Fredonia City (classified) village. The members of the Provisional Parliament would not hear of his retirement, of course, and he soon accepted appointemnt to the cabinet of Supreme Chairman Trask.

Then: betrayal!

The fasco-capitalist American and British armies illegally entered Koskovia, executed Supreme Chairman Trask, and restored the monarchy under the oldest son of the desceased former Nazi collaborator king! Young Mladik Kulik immediately went underground and rallied the progressive forces of communism with the help of current President and Chairman Vladik. After a bitter campaign that last for four years, Mladik Kulik and his forces seized control of Revodna, and sent the pretender King Martinjo Skrovna Yablok Syska II into humiliating exile.

Mladik Vladik Josef Kulik emerged as one of the saviors of the Koskovian people. He took manly deputy command of the Second Provisional Government (supported by our brave and wise comrades in the Soviet Red Army) and proclaimed the advent of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia on 1st June 1949 with the help of current President and Chairman Mladik Vladik. He immediately ordered the execution of all fasco-capitalist and monarchist traitors and introduced a new constitution for the PFDRK.

Since 1949, the great Mladik Vladik humble Josef Kulik has played a leading role in the ongoing revolution. He has been awarded the nation’s highest honors by the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, including:

• The Koskovian Star of Bravery (2nd Class)

• Medal of Bravery (2nd Class)

• Special Award for Bravery (2nd Class)

• Medal of Socialist Achievement (2nd Class)

• Order of Marx-Lenin-Stalin (2nd Class)

• Eleven-Star General of the Armies of Koskovia

In addition, he has been granted the following titles by public acclimation:

• Deputy Father of the People

• Deputy Great Mountain Eagle

• Deputy Friend to All Children

• Deputy Savior of Koskovia

• Deputy Triumphant Leader of the Socialist Cause

• Deputy Liberator of the Oppressed People

All praise the wise Mladik Vladik Josef Kulik, First Deputy President of the Republic and Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, our deputy hero, our deputy savior, and deputy guide to our future!

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  • NATIONAL PROFILE

    National Flag!

    • The Peoples' Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia is a small nation nestled deep in some snowy mountains somewhere.

    • When the other European members of the great Communist brotherhood abandoned communism in 1989, Koskovia alone stood strong under the direction of the Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies, Mladik Vladik.

    • In 1995, the Koskovian people voted 99.9% to award Chairman Vladik the additional title of President of the Republic in a free, fair, open, honest, and transparent election, overseen by observers from North Korea, China, Cuba, and Vietnam. The .1% who voted against the measure were resettled in North Korea, China, Cuba and Vietnam, and we presume they are happy and prosperous. But we haven't heard back. Not even a postcard.

    •In 2007, the Congress of Peoples' Deputies elevated Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the office of Deputy President by a vote of 298-2.

    • The capital of Koskovia, Revodna, does not appear on any maps for security reasons.

    • The national currency, the Lik, is currently pegged to the Euro at 1:1,948,390,875. The smallest currency unit of the Lik (Lk) is 1,000,000,000. The Central Bank beleives that the more zeros a currency has, the more important it is.

    • The current flag (pictured above) was adopted by the Congress of Peoples' Deputies on January 2, 1995. The main change was the addition of the sun emblem, and the removal of the hammer and sickle. It occured to the Deputies that no one in Koskovia used either a hammer or a sickle, but every citizen enjoyed the sun. Except the vampires.

    • Weather conditions in Koskovia are hard to predict, but there are typically 5 days of bright sunshine, and 355 days of snow and/or sleet in a given year.

    • As per Directive 78-B-94 of the Central Calendar Committee, the PFDRK does not recognize January 8, April 22, June 17, September 1, or November 9. The existence of these days is considered bourgeois fasco-capitalist propaganda.

  • NATIONAL FACTS

  • Population of Koskovia: classified.
  • GDP: classified
  • Media Outlets: State TV1, RadioKos, The Daily Truth
  • National Bird: classified
  • National Holidays: May Day, Arbor Day, Random October Afternoon.

  • POLITICAL LEADERSHIP

    EXECUTIVE:

    President of the Republic: Mladik Vladik

    Deputy President of the Republic: Josef Kulik

    LEGISLATIVE:

    Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies: Mladik Vladik

    Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies: Josef Kulik

    JUDICIAL:

    Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court: Vacant (interim Chief Justice: Mladik Vladik)

    ARMED FORCES:

    Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov

    Vice-Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Supreme Generalisimo Mladik Vladik

    Deputy Vice-Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Generalisimo Josef Kulik

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