29 July 2010 § Leave a comment
Revodna, 1:30 p.m. — On the orders of the Chairman of the State Security Service, recently captured counter-revolutionary and terrorist code-named “Dipsy” was executed at dawn this morning. “Today is a great day in Koskovia,” Chairman [name withheld] told the reporter from The Daily Truth and RadioKOS. “Following a tribunal held from 6 to 6:10 a.m. this morning, the terrorist code-named Dipsy has been executed on charges of counter-revolutionary activities going back at least ten years.”
Dipsy, as his commrades named him, served as second-in-command of a small but determined band of terrorists known as “The Teletubbies.” This group, originating in the decadent West, has sought since 1997 to undermine the revolutionary Koskovian state by turning the minds of its children into mush. The State Security Service is still hunting for the other members of this terrorist gang — Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, and Noo-Noo. All Koskovians should be on the lookout for these mindless servants of the western imperialists.
16 July 2010 § Leave a comment
Revodna, Palace of the People — Following the
assassination resignation mauling accidental suicide of Wildlife Minister Hana Schïll on Tuesday, President and Chairman Vladik appointed Deputy Mikos Gorak of Praha District to the vacant post. Mikos Gorak, 44, is an avid outdoorsman who loves animals of all kinds.
“Yes, I love [redacted] animals. I especially like [redacted] the endangered ones. They make the best [redacted]. I look forward to leading a new generation of Koskovian [redacted] right to [redacted] all the animals we can find!”
All Koskovians wish the new minister well.
1 July 2010 § Leave a comment
This is not a camera, video or otherwise.
Revodna, Palace of the State Security Service, 4:15 p.m. — The spokesman for the State Security Service, [Name Withheld], announced to the reporter for StateTV and RadioKOS that the SSS has begun shipping a brand-new device to all Koskovian households, in furtherance of the Revolution.
“I am pleased to announce the preliminary shipment of our brand new HouseTEK 400 devices,” [Name Withheld] said in the Amphitheater of the People earlier today. “These new devices, which are most definitely not cameras of any sort, are intended to make the lives of all Koskovians easier. The HouseTEK 400 represents the latest advance in household technology. In order to benefit from these amazing devices invented by our top scientists, any member of the household must simply position it with a view of the most heavily-trafficked area of the home, plug it in to a wall socket using the included charger, raise the antenna, and press the small button marked with a red circle and the letters R, E, and C. And that’s it!”
The reporter then asked the spokesman: “The benefits of this device must be amazing!”
[Name Withheld] responded, “They are. It will not be a very long time before all Koskovians realize the amazing benefits of this fabulous instrument. Naturally, this device is most certainly not a recording device.”
[Name Withheld] also provided the reporter with a detailed schematic of the new device, all though some parts were naturally blacked out. This amazing document was entitled “Introducing the not-a-camera HouseTEK 400!” and provided user instructions.
30 June 2010 § Leave a comment
Revodna, Palace of the People, 5 p.m. — Following a short hearing by the Computer Security Bureau of the State Security Service this afternoon, the NoviStar 5500 computer used by the Central Committee for Socialist Statistics was sentenced to death, according to [name withheld], spokeswoman for the CSB.
“This particular model, number 5H295773FGHI13300D-1-A, refused to return the proper statistics for meat production. Statisticians had already determined that the latest production figure for first quarter meat production were 5,500 metric tons. The computer, however, consistently returned only 5,500 pounds for the first quarter. After every effort was made to convince the computer to return the proper figure, it was brought up on charges before the CSB. In the spirit of socialism, sentence was pronounced quickly and carried out immediately after.”
The remains of the computer will be put on display in the Un-Socialist Museum inside the Palace of the People.
Two statisticians were also executed.
24 June 2010 § Leave a comment
Revodna, 9 p.m. — Couples in love, both young and old, gathered this evening in Vladik Square to celebrate the 70th International Socialist Love Day. After a rousing, three-hour speech by the Minister for Interpersonal Relationships Uri Gurgur exhorting the couples to strengthen their love of socialism, the Peoples’ Army set off a glorious firework display. The firework appeared in the shape of a heart which delighted the audience. They responded with rousing applause.
After the firework, all the women were screened for sexually transmitted diseases and ability to conceive. Those with STDs or an infertal womb were then whisked away for a restful stay at the International Socialist Love Labor Camp.
10 June 2010 § Leave a comment
Field Marshal Imre Vladik, 12, was this morning appointed Minister of Defense.
Revodna, Noon — President and Chairman Vladik today announced the
sudden death suicide resignation of his long-time Defense Minister Gor Grokstern at a morning press conference. President and Chairman Vladik then revealed the appointment of Field Marshal Imre Vladik, the president’s twelve-year old grandson, to replace Grokstern.
“Field Marshal Vladik has served with great distinction both in the Peoples’ Army and the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies for six years,” the president told the reporter from the major news outlets. “His elevation to the cabinet was carefully considered by both myself and the Vice President and Deputy Chairman. Marshal Vladik brings a wealth of military and political experience to the table. I am certain he will be an outstanding Defense Minister from the start.”
Marshal Vladik, the youngest son of President Vladik’s daughter Mika, attended Koskovian State University at age four for a shortened program to earn his doctoral degree in economics, and completed officer training at the Koskovian Peoples’ Army Leadership School at age six, becoming its youngest graduate. That year, Marshal Vladik was elected by the people of his home district to fulfill the seat of former Congresswoman Gerta Ipolosk who accidentally brutally cut her head off while combing her hair. President Vladik approved his promotion to full Field Marshal in 2009.
“I am delighted to accept the position of Minister of Defense for the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia,” the minister told the reporter at the conclusion of the president’s remarks. “I believe in the dream of socialism, and I look forward to helping the President and all the people of Koskovia achieve that goal.”
3 June 2010 § Leave a comment
Revodna, 2:30 p.m. — Major General Andre Palinski, formerly head of the Swift Tribunal Division of the State Security Serivce, recently agreed to answer questions from our readership concerning personal matters. This is part of a new effort on behalf of the Ministry of Information to reach out to the people of Koskovia and help them to understand that Revolutionary Socialist Ideals are applicable to all aspects of one’s life.
A question from Yuri G. in Holska City, Trysk Province:
Dear General Andre,
My wife and I have been married since 1966. We met at our local party meeting in February of that year, and married the following November. We have four children. I work at the Holska City Regional Supply Center as a fourth-level mid-manager of transport; my wife teaches English in Primary School Alpha Six. When we married, she was very beautiful and enjoyed many outdoor activities, as I did. In the last few years, however, she has gained twenty kilos and prefers to stay at home most evenings. How can I work with her in the spirit of socialist brotherhood to revitalize our marriage?
General Andre’s Response:
More advice will appear in these pages in the following days.