Counter-Revolutionary Leader Executed

29 July 2010 § Leave a comment


Counter-revolutionary and terrorist code-named “Dipsy” was executed at dawn this morning on orders of the State Security Service.

Revodna, 1:30 p.m. — On the orders of the Chairman of the State Security Service, recently captured counter-revolutionary and terrorist code-named “Dipsy” was executed at dawn this morning. “Today is a great day in Koskovia,” Chairman [name withheld] told the reporter from The Daily Truth and RadioKOS. “Following a tribunal held from 6 to 6:10 a.m. this morning, the terrorist code-named Dipsy has been executed on charges of counter-revolutionary activities going back at least ten years.”

Dipsy, as his commrades named him, served as second-in-command of a small but determined band of terrorists known as “The Teletubbies.” This group, originating in the decadent West, has sought since 1997 to undermine the revolutionary Koskovian state by turning the minds of its children into mush. The State Security Service is still hunting for the other members of this terrorist gang — Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, and Noo-Noo. All Koskovians should be on the lookout for these mindless servants of the western imperialists.


Last known group photo of the terrorist organization known as “The Teletubbies.”

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New Minister for Wildlife Preservation and Conservation Appointed

16 July 2010 § Leave a comment


Newly-appointed Minister for Wildlife Preservation and Conservation Mikos Gorak settles into his new office this afternoon.

Revodna, Palace of the People — Following the assassination resignation mauling accidental suicide of Wildlife Minister Hana Schïll on Tuesday, President and Chairman Vladik appointed Deputy Mikos Gorak of Praha District to the vacant post. Mikos Gorak, 44, is an avid outdoorsman who loves animals of all kinds.

“Yes, I love [redacted] animals. I especially like [redacted] the endangered ones. They make the best [redacted]. I look forward to leading a new generation of Koskovian [redacted] right to [redacted] all the animals we can find!”

All Koskovians wish the new minister well.

Devices Which Are Not Cameras Are Shipped to Citizens

1 July 2010 § Leave a comment

This is not a camera, video or otherwise.

Revodna, Palace of the State Security Service, 4:15 p.m. — The spokesman for the State Security Service, [Name Withheld], announced to the reporter for StateTV and RadioKOS that the SSS has begun shipping a brand-new device to all Koskovian households, in furtherance of the Revolution.

“I am pleased to announce the preliminary shipment of our brand new HouseTEK 400 devices,” [Name Withheld] said in the Amphitheater of the People earlier today. “These new devices, which are most definitely not cameras of any sort, are intended to make the lives of all Koskovians easier. The HouseTEK 400 represents the latest advance in household technology. In order to benefit from these amazing devices invented by our top scientists, any member of the household must simply position it with a view of the most heavily-trafficked area of the home, plug it in to a wall socket using the included charger, raise the antenna, and press the small button marked with a red circle and the letters R, E, and C. And that’s it!”

The reporter then asked the spokesman: “The benefits of this device must be amazing!”

[Name Withheld] responded, “They are. It will not be a very long time before all Koskovians realize the amazing benefits of this fabulous instrument. Naturally, this device is most certainly not a recording device.”

[Name Withheld] also provided the reporter with a detailed schematic of the new device, all though some parts were naturally blacked out. This amazing document was entitled “Introducing the not-a-camera HouseTEK 400!” and provided user instructions.

Computer Executed for Un-Socialist Behavior

30 June 2010 § Leave a comment

The NoviStar 5500 executed this afternoon by the State Security Service.

Revodna, Palace of the People, 5 p.m. — Following a short hearing by the Computer Security Bureau of the State Security Service this afternoon, the NoviStar 5500 computer used by the Central Committee for Socialist Statistics was sentenced to death, according to [name withheld], spokeswoman for the CSB.

“This particular model, number 5H295773FGHI13300D-1-A, refused to return the proper statistics for meat production. Statisticians had already determined that the latest production figure for first quarter meat production were 5,500 metric tons. The computer, however, consistently returned only 5,500 pounds for the first quarter. After every effort was made to convince the computer to return the proper figure, it was brought up on charges before the CSB. In the spirit of socialism, sentence was pronounced quickly and carried out immediately after.”

The remains of the computer will be put on display in the Un-Socialist Museum inside the Palace of the People.

Two statisticians were also executed.

Happy Prosperous Couples Celebrate International Socialist Love Day

24 June 2010 § Leave a comment


Photo unrelated.

Revodna, 9 p.m. — Couples in love, both young and old, gathered this evening in Vladik Square to celebrate the 70th International Socialist Love Day. After a rousing, three-hour speech by the Minister for Interpersonal Relationships Uri Gurgur exhorting the couples to strengthen their love of socialism, the Peoples’ Army set off a glorious firework display. The firework appeared in the shape of a heart which delighted the audience. They responded with rousing applause.

After the firework, all the women were screened for sexually transmitted diseases and ability to conceive. Those with STDs or an infertal womb were then whisked away for a restful stay at the International Socialist Love Labor Camp.

New Defense Minister Announced by President and Chairman Vladik

10 June 2010 § Leave a comment


Field Marshal Imre Vladik, 12, was this morning appointed Minister of Defense.

Revodna, Noon — President and Chairman Vladik today announced the sudden death suicide resignation of his long-time Defense Minister Gor Grokstern at a morning press conference. President and Chairman Vladik then revealed the appointment of Field Marshal Imre Vladik, the president’s twelve-year old grandson, to replace Grokstern.

“Field Marshal Vladik has served with great distinction both in the Peoples’ Army and the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies for six years,” the president told the reporter from the major news outlets. “His elevation to the cabinet was carefully considered by both myself and the Vice President and Deputy Chairman. Marshal Vladik brings a wealth of military and political experience to the table. I am certain he will be an outstanding Defense Minister from the start.”

Marshal Vladik, the youngest son of President Vladik’s daughter Mika, attended Koskovian State University at age four for a shortened program to earn his doctoral degree in economics, and completed officer training at the Koskovian Peoples’ Army Leadership School at age six, becoming its youngest graduate. That year, Marshal Vladik was elected by the people of his home district to fulfill the seat of former Congresswoman Gerta Ipolosk who accidentally brutally cut her head off while combing her hair. President Vladik approved his promotion to full Field Marshal in 2009.

“I am delighted to accept the position of Minister of Defense for the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia,” the minister told the reporter at the conclusion of the president’s remarks. “I believe in the dream of socialism, and I look forward to helping the President and all the people of Koskovia achieve that goal.”

Advice from Andre

3 June 2010 § Leave a comment

Revodna, 2:30 p.m. — Major General Andre Palinski, formerly head of the Swift Tribunal Division of the State Security Serivce, recently agreed to answer questions from our readership concerning personal matters. This is part of a new effort on behalf of the Ministry of Information to reach out to the people of Koskovia and help them to understand that Revolutionary Socialist Ideals are applicable to all aspects of one’s life.

A question from Yuri G. in Holska City, Trysk Province:

Dear General Andre,
My wife and I have been married since 1966. We met at our local party meeting in February of that year, and married the following November. We have four children. I work at the Holska City Regional Supply Center as a fourth-level mid-manager of transport; my wife teaches English in Primary School Alpha Six. When we married, she was very beautiful and enjoyed many outdoor activities, as I did. In the last few years, however, she has gained twenty kilos and prefers to stay at home most evenings. How can I work with her in the spirit of socialist brotherhood to revitalize our marriage?

General Andre’s Response:
Shoot her.

More advice will appear in these pages in the following days.

  • NATIONAL PROFILE

    National Flag!

    • The Peoples' Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia is a small nation nestled deep in some snowy mountains somewhere.

    • When the other European members of the great Communist brotherhood abandoned communism in 1989, Koskovia alone stood strong under the direction of the Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies, Mladik Vladik.

    • In 1995, the Koskovian people voted 99.9% to award Chairman Vladik the additional title of President of the Republic in a free, fair, open, honest, and transparent election, overseen by observers from North Korea, China, Cuba, and Vietnam. The .1% who voted against the measure were resettled in North Korea, China, Cuba and Vietnam, and we presume they are happy and prosperous. But we haven't heard back. Not even a postcard.

    •In 2007, the Congress of Peoples' Deputies elevated Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the office of Deputy President by a vote of 298-2.

    • The capital of Koskovia, Revodna, does not appear on any maps for security reasons.

    • The national currency, the Lik, is currently pegged to the Euro at 1:1,948,390,875. The smallest currency unit of the Lik (Lk) is 1,000,000,000. The Central Bank beleives that the more zeros a currency has, the more important it is.

    • The current flag (pictured above) was adopted by the Congress of Peoples' Deputies on January 2, 1995. The main change was the addition of the sun emblem, and the removal of the hammer and sickle. It occured to the Deputies that no one in Koskovia used either a hammer or a sickle, but every citizen enjoyed the sun. Except the vampires.

    • Weather conditions in Koskovia are hard to predict, but there are typically 5 days of bright sunshine, and 355 days of snow and/or sleet in a given year.

    • As per Directive 78-B-94 of the Central Calendar Committee, the PFDRK does not recognize January 8, April 22, June 17, September 1, or November 9. The existence of these days is considered bourgeois fasco-capitalist propaganda.

  • NATIONAL FACTS

  • Population of Koskovia: classified.
  • GDP: classified
  • Media Outlets: State TV1, RadioKos, The Daily Truth
  • National Bird: classified
  • National Holidays: May Day, Arbor Day, Random October Afternoon.

  • POLITICAL LEADERSHIP

    EXECUTIVE:

    President of the Republic: Mladik Vladik

    Deputy President of the Republic: Josef Kulik

    LEGISLATIVE:

    Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies: Mladik Vladik

    Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies: Josef Kulik

    JUDICIAL:

    Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court: Vacant (interim Chief Justice: Mladik Vladik)

    ARMED FORCES:

    Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov

    Vice-Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Supreme Generalisimo Mladik Vladik

    Deputy Vice-Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Generalisimo Josef Kulik