There Is No Financial Crisis

14 October 2008 § 1 Comment

Palace of the People, 4 p.m. — President & Chairman Vladik addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon after rumors circulated of a “financial crisis” in Koskovia.

“Let me be perfectly clear,” the President asserted forcefully. “There is NO financial crisis in the PFDRK. The Minister of Finance definitely did NOT seek a loan from the European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund in the amount of €500 million. Such rumors are simply fasco-capitialist nonsense.

“Further, the Peoples’ Bank of Koskovia definitely did NOT suddenly close three weeks ago because of a run on the bank. All PBK branches have been closed for cleaning and will re-open soon.

“There is a slight shortage of bank notes, but only because the printing presses at the Central Committee for Currency Printing are down for maintenance.

“It is UNTRUE that the Director-General of the Peoples’ Bank was taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance. He died when he accidentally tripped over a chair leg and landed head-first on a bullet he dropped earlier when cleaning his pistol.

“As to the disappearance of the former Director-Generals of the Peoples’ Investment Bank, the Peoples’ Mortgage Corporation, and the Peoples Sub-Prime Mortgage Company: they were, in fact, taken behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance.

“Moreover, it is UNTRUE that myself, Deputy President Kulik, and members of the Central Committee have moved their personal funds to Switzerland for safe-keeping.

“Finally, let the people of the PFDRK know that the foundations of our socialist economy are strong. However, to stem any fears, the people are free to enter into bartering arrangements for goods and services until the Central Committee for Currency Printing gets the printing presses repaired and can issues new paper currency.

“Thank you all.”

Following his statement, the President departed the palace for the airport, where he will embark on a short vacation to Russia where he hopes to meet Prime Minister Putin’s new tiger cub.

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