Acting President Tetrikov Speaks

15 February 2008 § 1 Comment

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Acting President of the Republic and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon.

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Earlier this afternoon, Acting President Yvonne Tetrikov addressed the reporter from StateTV1 and RadioKos with an update on the search for President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik:

“As you know, a terrorist attack hit the grounds of the Presidential retreat at Lake Koskovia last week. The attack damaged the entire compound and much of the surrounding area. The incendiary devices proved quite difficult to extinguish and necessitated the combined efforts of the local emergency services, the Koskovian Emergency Response and Management Service (KERMS), and the Fire Service of the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces. The fires were only contained two days ago.

“Based on reports from Major General Yuri Testikov, who is in charge of the scene, confidence is high that both the President and Deputy President survived. According to General Testikov, the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces constructed a nuclear-proof bunker beneath the lakeside estate in 1989, when the brotherhood of Socialist nations abandoned Koskovia. The difficulty now is that the bunker is buried under tons of rubble which will take time to clear.

“Therefore, under the provisions of Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskova, I have assumed the offices of Acting President of the Republic, Acting Deputy President of the Republic, and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. I will retain the position of Speaker of the CPD until further notice. Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Koskovian Joint Military Command Council, has pledge his support to my administration — no matter how temporary — and will oversee the rescue operation now underway at Lake Koskovia.

“I ask all citizens of Koskovia to hope for the survival of our President and Deputy President, and for their immediate rescue.

“As announced last week, in my capacity as Acting Chairman of the Executive Council, I dismissed both the Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Defense for incompetence. The Foreign Minister resigned of his own accord. I have replaced all three with Georg Ulianov, my former chief of staff and now a member of the CPD from the Eketerinburg region. He will retain all three positions until suitable replacements for the Defense and Foreign Ministers can be found. He should thus be referred to in the press as ‘Minister of ForInDef.'”

“Long live the Revolution! Long Live Koskovia!”

At the end of the hour-long press conference, Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov took no questions. The new Minister of ForInDef announced that the State of Martial Law would continue for the foreseeable future. He further announced that current reports from the war with Dictarabistan are “encouraging.” The Koskovian Peoples’ Air Force has destroyed much of the Dictarabistan Air Force, and bombed fifty villages. He concluding by saying, “The war against Dictarabistan is within measure distance of its end.”

Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov with long-time POLITICAL ally (and certainly not anything else) and new Minister of ForInDef Georg Ulianov.


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