War Udate

1 June 2007 § Leave a comment

Kulik and wife

Vice Chairman Kulik and his wife Magda leaving the Palace of the People this morning.

Revodna, 9 a.m. — Vice Chairman Kulik addressed the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies earlier today, and offered an upbeat assessment of the war against Dictarabistan.

“Victory is within sight,” he proclaimed to the cheering deputies. “But let us not fail in our determination to crush the enemy and secure our supply of cubic zirconia, although the price may be high!”

Citing reports from the commanders in the field, the Vice Chairman denied that more soldiers are needed at the front, or that the Koskovian troops need better equipment, or even that they are suffering any sort of discomfort in the arid environment. “Our soliders have everything which their commanders have requested, and are thus the best armed soldiers in the world!”

It is not true, he told the deputies, that a lack of armoured vehicles have lead to the deaths of thousands of Koskovian soldiers, or that the state-run Food Supply Service has consistently delivered spoiled or rotten food to the front. He further denied Western press reports that the state Hall-Burt-On Construction Consortium (of which he once served as managing director-general) has embezzelled hundreds of millions of euros from the war effort. “Impossible!” Kulik proclaimed to yet another round of applause.

“This war is by the far the best managed armed conflict in the history of mankind! There are no problems, and our path to victory is laid out smoothly before us — even if that path takes us into the capital of Fanatistan!”

He concluded his address by reading a telegram from President and Chairman Vladik, who is enjoying his well-deserved 30th week on vacation at this dacha in the province of Texarkia: “Vice Chairman Kulik remains in close contact with myself and our commanders in the field, stop. Has all relevent data about war effort, stop. His conclusions are valid, and he has my complete confidence, stop. Or so he’s told me, stop. P.S. Can someone please send me a newspapers once in a while, stop? I miss doing the jumble, stop.”

His words were greeted with thunderous applause.

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