Vice Chairman: War is Going Great!

6 May 2007 § Leave a comment

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Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Vice-Chairman Kulik, in an address before the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies this afternoon, gave an upbeat assessment of the war between Koskovia and Dictarabistan.

“Our soldiers are performing spectularly well under very difficult circumstances,” he told the deputies. “The strategies laid down by President and Chairman Vladik have resulted in victory after victory over the forces of evil in Dictarabistan, who have sought to cut off our vital supply of cubic zirconia, the cornerstone of the Koskovian economy.”

When asked by Deputy Yuri Grinkovovich (CPK-Polskaville) about the miniscule but vocal anti-war movement, Kulik dismissed their charges that the war is in fact going very badly, Kulik characterized the charges as: “Absolute lies spread by treasonous counter-revolutionaries. They are nothing but defeat-o-crats!” When pressed to rebutt their charges specifically, Kulik expanded upon this theme:

“It is not true that two whole divisions of the Great Koskovian Army have been wiped out in separate surprise attacks. It is not true that Ground Commander Marshal Ustinov committed suicide over his constant failures — he simply retired permenantly in secret, so don’t bother trying to contact him. It is not true that the Great Koskovian Air Force has failed to destroy the command and control centers in Dictarabistan; the truth of that matter, however, is classified. And as to the charge that our forces are bogged down on the border and control no more than one half-mile of Dictarabistan territory: I can only classify that as rediculous and counter-revolutionary.”

His words were greeted with the thunderous applause.

Following the address, President and Chairman Vladik thanked the Vice-Chairman — his closest advisor and oldest friend — and then decamped for his summer home on Lake Koskovia for a well-needed rest.

Oh, and the reports that President and Chairman Vladik has spent 90% of his time in office at his summer home is simply untrue. Definitely not 90%.

It is also treasonous to suggest that President and Chairman Vladik is stupid, or that Vice-Chairman Kulik is, in fact, evil.

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