Fasco-Capitalist Propaganda Invades Koskovia!
7 March 2007 § Leave a comment
Revodna, 4 p.m. — Due to counter-revolutionary sabotage, the electronic jamming equipment arrayed at the borders of Koskovia to protect Koskovians from the lies concocted by the fasco-capitalist states, failed last night from 8 until 10 p.m. Therefore, a so-called “news” program originating in the Czech Republic was inadvertently broadcast on StateTV99.
This program, Current Events, contained slanderous and completely false charges against President and Chairman Vladik and the Communist Party of Koskovia. The Ministry of Information has therefore prepared a press release refuting the most obvious lies contained with in the report:
• The Communist Party of Koskovia (CPK) is NOT responsible for the deaths of more than 1 million people during the First and Second Phases of the Glorious Revolution (1949-1969) through forced labor, starvation, imprisonment and summary execution.
• There are NOT more than ten thousand “political prisoners” languishing in secret state prisons. Every single person in prison has been convicted of a crime by a legitimate, constitutional court.
• President and Chairman Vladik has NOT amassed a fortune worth more that 500 million Euros in a secret Swiss bank account by looting the state treasury. Under law, any government official who maintains a personal bank account outside of the country must keep the balance below 500 Euros. As Vladik is President of the Republic, and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, he COULD NOT violate the law in such a way.
• President and Chairman Vladik DOES NOT have an older brother Boris who defected to the U.K. in 1973 and who then “denounced in the strongest terms the abhorrent dictatorship of his brother, and subsequently pleaded with western governments to do everything possible to destabilize the government of Koskovia.” As reported in the Daily Truth at the time, Comrade Boris Vladik, his wife, and their three children all died in an airplane crash in the Swiss Alps while on their way to a clinic in Bern to treat his wife’s illness.
• The State Security Service is NOT a “secret organization dedicated to terrorizing the citizens of Koskovia into following the dictates of the criminal gang known as the CPK.” As every Koskovian knows, the SSS operates openly and is subject to oversight by the Central Committee for the Protection of the Integrity of the State and Society (CCPISS).
• The SSS did NOT cover up that factory explosion last year that killed more than 1,000 people. You just don’t remember reading about it.
• President and Chairman Vladik’s wife did NOT spend six months last year at a spa in Baden Baden, Germany, where she received extensive plastic surgery, including breast implants. The recent changes in her appearance (demonstrated below) are simply due to hard work, good diet and exercise:
Mrs. Vladik (l.) at the Koskovia Day Parade, November 1, 2004
Clearly, Mrs. Vladik simply worked hard to improve herself as all Koskovian women should due in furtherance of the Revolution. And this is definitely NOT an entirely different (and younger) woman.
• It is NOT TRUE that the CPK has “consistently manipulated electoral results to ensure its continued dominance in Koskovian society.” Further, it is NOT TRUE that “Koskovian elections are, at their base, a blatent fraud and exercise in futility that have as much transparency as a concrete wall painted black.” Such charges are baseless, especially as representatives from North Korea, Cuba, Vietnam and China have overseen all elections in Koskovia since 1990 to ensure the integrity of our free, fair, open and transparent electoral process.
• Communism was NOT “rejected by the vast majority of the world’s population because it represented nothing more than a violent and repressive dictatorship based upon false interpretations of history and economics.” The Fasco-Capitalist states, in fact, undermined the great Socialist Brotherhood in 1989 through the use of mind-control devices developed by the American CIA. These mind-control devices took the form of McDonald’s hamburgers, color television sets, VCRs, and Hollywood movies.
• It is NOT TRUE that the founder of the SSS, the late Marshal Viktor Popkov, was a “slavering pedophile with a penchant for English-made suits and French child prostitutes.” Marshal Popkov’s suits were from the bargain bins at Moscow’s GUM department store, and, like the American singer Michael Jackson, simply enjoyed bringing pleasure to young boys and girls enslaved by fasco-capitalism at his yearly Progessive Summer Camp on the shores of Lake Koskovia.*
• It is NOT TRUE that “thousands of Koskovian children are born every year with major birth defects due to the total lack of environmental controls near major industrial sites.” Some Koskovian children are simply born with redundant appendages that could help further the Revolution.
We hope that this release clears up any misconceptions, Comrades. The State Security Service reminds any citizen that witnessed this so-called “news program” last night should make an appointment with their local SSS agents for a brief, informal chat. Oh, and remember to leave your doors unlocked when you go.
*Editor’s Note: Lavrentii Beria, Stalin’s head of the KGB, was a well-known pedophile who bribed families of young girls for access to them.