Election Results Are In!

1 January 2006 § Leave a comment

Revodna, 6 a.m. — The Central Electoral Committee has completed tabulating the results of yesterday’s free, fair, open and transparent election!

The Minister of Counting Votes in All Koskovian Elections announced the results early this morning to the journalist from StateTV1 and The Daily Truth.

The Communist Party scored an impressive victory, confirming the rightness of the Socialist choice made in 1949, and the support of all Koskovians! Every incumbant has been reëlected by an increased majority. President and Chairman Mladik Vladik achieved a total of 103% of the vote in his constituency, a powerful endorsement of his policies and of the 3rd Phase of the Revolution which he so skillfully leads.

The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies will meet on Tuesday, 3rd January, to choose the members of the Central Committee. The Central Committee will then elect a new Executive Council. It is expected that President and Chairman Vladik will be reëlected to his position as Chairman of the Executive Council.

99.99% of all voters participated. The names and addresses of those who did not will be posted on the State Security Service website, such as Todor Zhukov of 873 Lenin-Marx Blvd, Apartment 77, Elektrifiskia City. The Ministry of Information in no way condones violence against these lazy comrades who violated Koskovian election laws and their patriotic duty.

The State Security Service, however, does.

Comrades from across the world have offered their congratulations for the successful conclusion of Koskovia’s free, fair, open and transparent election. DPRK Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il send 5,000 signed pictures of himself, two Japanese hostages, an a mortar round. The President of the Peoples’ Republic of China sent 10,000 pirated videocassettes of the American movie “Wall Street.” The leaders of Vietnam sent three American POWs, now held in a Happy-Joy Labor Camp. Egon Krenz, the second-to-last leader of the former East Germany, sent himself.

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