Vice Chairman Denies False Accusations

Vice Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 1 p.m. — At a press conference this afternoon, Vice Chairman Kulik denied that he had ever said the war with Dictarabistan would be a simple victory. The charge arose when a radical (and obviously mentally ill) peoples’ deputy lambasted Kulik for “decieving the people of Koskovia about the conduct of the war” at yesterday’s CPD meeting.*

“No, no, no!” Kulik told the assembled reporters as he shook his head in frustration. “War is always long and brutal. Never did I suggest otherwise. Never!”

When asked by the reporter from StateTV 1 on his assesment of the possible length of the war, he replied: “Long. We in the Central Committee have begun to refer to this as ‘The Long War.’ It needs total commitment from the people of Koskovia as well as their government. I deny that I ever suggested otherwise.”

To prove his point, Kulik played video excerpts from his speech of 1st July, at which he explained to the CPD that the war would last for a very long time, and require much sacrifice.

At the end of the conference, the assembled reporters applauded the Vice Chairman’s truthfulness.

[*Note: That deputy has since resigned and checked into the hospital with symptoms of high blood pressure, nausea, and a missing head. He is expected to recover.]

Vice-Chairman Urges War Against Dictarabistan!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Josef Kulik, Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the CPD, and the closest advisor to President & Chairman Vladik, today announced the findings of a secret special commission created last December to investigate charges of the most serious nature against President Barabas al-Niki of Dictarabistan. According to the Vice-Chairman, the findings are:

• President al-Niki has used torture against his own citizens!

• The state run cubic zirconia factory DRSCUZ has consistently overcharged the government of Koskovia for that precious commodity for more than ten years!

• The government of Dictarabistan has been pursuing the development of weapons of mass destruction for use against the peaceful people of Fanatistan!

The Vice-Chairman thus urged the Congress to consider launching a pre-emptive strike against such a dangerous and unstable regime! His speech was received by the members of the Congress with long and thunderous applause.

Fasco-Capitalist Propaganda Invades Koskovia!

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Due to counter-revolutionary sabotage, the electronic jamming equipment arrayed at the borders of Koskovia to protect Koskovians from the lies concocted by the fasco-capitalist states, failed last night from 8 until 10 p.m. Therefore, a so-called “news” program originating in the Czech Republic was inadvertently broadcast on StateTV99.

This program, Current Events, contained slanderous and completely false charges against President and Chairman Vladik and the Communist Party of Koskovia. The Ministry of Information has therefore prepared a press release refuting the most obvious lies contained with in the report:

• The Communist Party of Koskovia (CPK) is NOT responsible for the deaths of more than 1 million people during the First and Second Phases of the Glorious Revolution (1949-1969) through forced labor, starvation, imprisonment and summary execution.

• There are NOT more than ten thousand “political prisoners” languishing in secret state prisons. Every single person in prison has been convicted of a crime by a legitimate, constitutional court.

• President and Chairman Vladik has NOT amassed a fortune worth more that 500 million Euros in a secret Swiss bank account by looting the state treasury. Under law, any government official who maintains a personal bank account outside of the country must keep the balance below 500 Euros. As Vladik is President of the Republic, and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, he COULD NOT violate the law in such a way.

• President and Chairman Vladik DOES NOT have an older brother Boris who defected to the U.K. in 1973 and who then “denounced in the strongest terms the abhorrent dictatorship of his brother, and subsequently pleaded with western governments to do everything possible to destabilize the government of Koskovia.” As reported in the Daily Truth at the time, Comrade Boris Vladik, his wife, and their three children all died in an airplane crash in the Swiss Alps while on their way to a clinic in Bern to treat his wife’s illness.