President and Deputy President Found!

Revodna, 5 p.m. — Six weeks following the terrorist attack against the Presidential estate lodge on Lake Koskovia, the Minister of the Interior has announced the press that both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik have been found alive!

Both were discovered after tons of rubble were removed from the entrance to the underground “safe room” in which both had hidden.

Both were injured. President Vladik’s left arm and left leg were broken in the initial attack; Deputy President Kulik then carried the President to the safe room. During that maneuver, Kulik was badly burned on his right thigh.

Both were taken immediately upon their rescue to the PFDRK Revolutionary Triumph Special Party Hospital No. 7 outside of Revodna. Doctors are unsure at this moment when Vladik and Kulik will be able to return to duty. The doctor attending President Vladik, appointed as Head of Administration of Hospital No. 7 only yesterday, has suggested that both men face a long and difficult recovery, not only because of their injuries but because of malnutrition and dehydration.

Upon hearing the news, Acting President/Chairman/Speaker Tetrikov went immediately to their bedsides and promised to carry on in their name as long as was necessary. She urged both men not to rush their recovery.

Acting President Tetrikov Speaks

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Acting President of the Republic and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon.

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Earlier this afternoon, Acting President Yvonne Tetrikov addressed the reporter from StateTV1 and RadioKos with an update on the search for President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik:

“As you know, a terrorist attack hit the grounds of the Presidential retreat at Lake Koskovia last week. The attack damaged the entire compound and much of the surrounding area. The incendiary devices proved quite difficult to extinguish and necessitated the combined efforts of the local emergency services, the Koskovian Emergency Response and Management Service (KERMS), and the Fire Service of the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces. The fires were only contained two days ago.

“Based on reports from Major General Yuri Testikov, who is in charge of the scene, confidence is high that both the President and Deputy President survived. According to General Testikov, the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces constructed a nuclear-proof bunker beneath the lakeside estate in 1989, when the brotherhood of Socialist nations abandoned Koskovia. The difficulty now is that the bunker is buried under tons of rubble which will take time to clear.

“Therefore, under the provisions of Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskova, I have assumed the offices of Acting President of the Republic, Acting Deputy President of the Republic, and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. I will retain the position of Speaker of the CPD until further notice. Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Koskovian Joint Military Command Council, has pledge his support to my administration — no matter how temporary — and will oversee the rescue operation now underway at Lake Koskovia.

“I ask all citizens of Koskovia to hope for the survival of our President and Deputy President, and for their immediate rescue.

“As announced last week, in my capacity as Acting Chairman of the Executive Council, I dismissed both the Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Defense for incompetence. The Foreign Minister resigned of his own accord. I have replaced all three with Georg Ulianov, my former chief of staff and now a member of the CPD from the Eketerinburg region. He will retain all three positions until suitable replacements for the Defense and Foreign Ministers can be found. He should thus be referred to in the press as ‘Minister of ForInDef.’”

“Long live the Revolution! Long Live Koskovia!”

At the end of the hour-long press conference, Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov took no questions. The new Minister of ForInDef announced that the State of Martial Law would continue for the foreseeable future. He further announced that current reports from the war with Dictarabistan are “encouraging.” The Koskovian Peoples’ Air Force has destroyed much of the Dictarabistan Air Force, and bombed fifty villages. He concluding by saying, “The war against Dictarabistan is within measure distance of its end.”

Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov with long-time POLITICAL ally (and certainly not anything else) and new Minister of ForInDef Georg Ulianov.

President Still At Home

President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are hard at work inside the presidential villa at Lake Koskovia this evening, as they have been all week, in furtherance of the Revolution!

Revodna, 5 p.m. — A spokesman for the Ministry of Information reported this afternoon that President and Chairman Vladik has not yet returned to the capital as expected.

In a letter to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies last week, President Vladik announced his intention to return to Revodna on Monday, 21st January, to resume his duties. Deputy President Kulik travelled to the President’s villa on Lake Koskovia last week. Since then, the presidential palace has been closed while the President and Deputy President confer on various issues.

The ministry spokesman described a telephone call from the Deputy President this morning, which indicated that he and President Vladik were, in his words, “deep in conversation about a variety of topics of interest to all Koskovians.”

Those matters are, naturally, classified.

When asked by the reporter from the Daily Truth as to when the President and Deputy will return to the capital, the spokesman replied: “Soon, although they wish to achieve further collaboration in their common effort to move Koskovia closer towards true Socialism in the months and years ahead.”

President Signals Return

Deputy President Kulik as he departed for President Vladik’s country estate this afternoon.

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a letter to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik has signaled that he will return to the capital on Monday, 21st January 2008, in order to resume his duties as President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik read the letter to the Executive Council this afternoon. The communication indicated, in part, that the President “looks forward to once again taking up my official duties following this period of rest and recuperation. I wish to thank Deputy President Kulik for guiding the nation with a steady hand during this difficult period.

“Upon my return, I will review the recent constitutional and legal changes approved by the Executive Council. While I remain certain that these changes are perfectly in line with the Constitution of the PFDRK and our legal tradition, I believe such a review is important to the citizens of Koskovia. These changes include: the elimination of the positions of Second and Third Deputy Presidents; the re-allocation of certain duties to the Deputy President; and the dismissal of certain military, judicial, and ministerial leaders.”

The Executive Committee greeted the news with thunderous applause, led by the Deputy President.

Deputy President Kulik then gaveled the council meeting to a close with the announcement that he would be visiting President Vladik this weekend, at the President’s country estate at Lake Koskovia.

PFDRK Marches Triumphantly Into 2008!

Revodna, Noon — Speaking before the year-end meeting of the Communist Party of Koskovia this morning, Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik reviewed the great successes achieved by the PFDRK in 2007.

“Under the guidance of President and Chairman Vladik, we have reduced the size of government and streamlined operations; we have extended our contact with friendly nations and celebrated the triumphs of true democrats around the world.“

He vowed that greater triumphs would follow in the New Year:

“We aim to continue down the road to true Socialism in 2008!” he proclaimed to thunderous applause. “We will defeat our great enemy Dictarabistan and grind them into the dust! We shall prevail!”

Yuri Salnikov, a member of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, asked Deputy President Kulik for an update on the health and well-being of President and Chairman Vladik.

Kulik responded: “President and Chairman Kulik, ah, Vladik, continues to improve, although he has suffered a few minor setbacks in recent days. His doctors — who just this morning went on vacation and thus cannot be reached for comment — assured me that the President will be able to resume his duties by the end of January.”

His comments were greeted with thunderous applause.

Article Praising Deputy President Published

Revodna, 4 p.m. — “Deputy President Josef Kulik of Koskovia, Illustrious Commander Born of Heaven,” an article published by the “German Citizens’ Committee for the Study of Josef Kulik,” was posted on the Internet homepage of the Solidarity for Implementing the East-West Joint Declaration on December 29th.

The article praised him as the most benevolent general who leads the people with trust and love.

Noting that “he is possessed of the disposition of loving and valuing man, the article in its first part says his outlook on the people whereby he thinks of man first of all, placing him in the center in every work, was formed already in his childhood under the tender care of his parents, true friends of the Koskovian Revolution.”

The article in its second part highly praises Kulik as the most benevolent general who shows boundless love for the people.

Noting that he always said more importance should be attached to man than money in every work and no money should be spared in the work for the working people, the article says: “In Koskovia his politics is regarded as politics of love and the embrace of the Communist Party of Koskovia as mother’s embrace.”

The article in its third part says Kulik is pursuing the True Socialist line by uniting the Peoples’ Army of Koskovia with his deepest trust and love.

Stressing that Koskovian Socialist politics today is immediately his politics of trust and love, the article says this political mode has brought forth the single-minded unity of the army and people more powerful than the nuclear bomb. The article in its fourth part notes that he has glorified the era of independence with comradeship.

He is the paragon of comradeship and the great man possessed of love, the most benevolent general of humankind who is most prudent in dealing with the issue of human destiny and remains responsible for it to the last, stresses the article.*

—

*Another gem from North Korea!

Joint Work By Kulik and Vladik Celebrated

Revodna, 1 p.m. — A seminar was held at the Central Youth Hall Thursday to mark the 25th anniversary of the publication of President Vladik’s famous work “On Increasing Obedience to Socialist Laws,” recently updated by Deputy President Kulik.

The work clarifies that it is the obedience to the socialist laws for all members of the society to work and live as required by laws and regulations instituted by the socialist state and explains the position of the socialist laws in the obedience to laws.

The seminar heard papers proving in depth the validity and vitality of the ideas and theories expounded by Kulik and Vladik in the work and explaining the issues arising in increasing the obedience to the socialist laws.

The speakers said that the work provides ideological and theoretical guidelines for consolidating the state social system and powerfully pushing forward the revolution and construction in the PFDRK as it specifies the fundamental mission of the socialist laws and duty to be fulfilled by law-enforcement officials and comprehensively indicates the orientation of increasing the obedience to the socialist laws with the revolutionary spirit and fighting trait displayed by the servicepersons of the Koskovian People’s Army as examples and ways to do so.

Kulik and Vladik in the work scientifically and theoretically formulated and systematized the idea of President Vladik on obedience to socialist laws and developed it in depth as required by the Revolutionary era, thus helping all members of society abide by the socialist laws with high revolutionary and voluntary spirit and a high sense of organization and discipline.

The speakers explained practical issues arising in increasing the obedience to the socialist laws so as to strictly abide by law and order of the state and give full play to the advantages of the system whereby to guide the obedience to the socialist laws.

Present at the seminar were Deputy President Josef Kulik, members of the socialist law observance guidance committees of different levels, officials of juridical organs, law-enforcement officials and explainers of law observance, teachers and researchers of universities.

The session closed with thunderous applause for Deputy President Kulik.

Oh, and President and Chairman Vladik as well.
—
Adapted from North Korean Central News Agency, the greatest humor site on the entire interweb!

Needed Changes to Law Enacted

Revodna, 8 p.m. — At a full meeting of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies late this afternoon, Vice-Chairman and First Deputy President Josef Kulik proposed certain changes to Koskovian Acts and Statutes. The Executive Committee approved the proposals and have sent them on to the Congress for switch enactment.

The acts and statutes affected are:

• The Act of Executive Succession (1989), Section 139(A), Paragraph 87(F), Line 16, Word “may” to “must.”
• The Statute of Authority of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies (1978), Section 55(C), Paragraph 2(A), Line 54, phrase “…authority will devolve…” to “…authority will not devolve…”
• The Act Concerning the Proper Procedure for the Calling of a Full Session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies to Convene as a Constitutional Convention (1982), Section 33(G), Paragraph 44(E), Line 889, phrase “…by sole authority of the President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia…” to “by the joint authority of the President and First Deputy President of Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia…”
• The Act Concerning the Proper Role in Government of the First, Second, Third and Fourth Deputy Presidents (1992) is repealed, replaced with The Act Abolishing the Positions of Second, Third and Fourth Deputy Presidents (2007).
• The introduction of the “Act to Relieve the Pressures of Daily Government on the President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia and/or Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of Congress of the Peoples’ Deputies of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia” (2007).

According to Vice-Chairman and Deputy President Kulik, all thee suggested acts and revisions have the full approval of President and Chairman Mladik Vladik, still recovering from his recent colonoscopy at his summer home at Lake Koskovia.

UPDATE (8:17 p.m.): The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies has voted 298-2 to enact all of the suggested revisions.

UPDATE (8:19 p.m.): The Congress of People’s Deputies now has 298 members.

Vice Chairman Kulik Elected 1st Deputy President of the Republic

A full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President of the PFDRK.

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Following the disappearance accidental suicide death of First Deputy President of the PFDRK Magda Yuskinko last evening, a full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President. His election to the post followed on the advice of President and Chairman Vladik, still recovering from a colonoscopy at his vacation home on Lake Koskovia.

Vice-Chairman Kulik last night visited President Vladik (after a brief visit with First Deputy President Yuskinko, shortly before she died. This visit, of course, had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER SUDDEN DEATH AND/OR DISAPPEARANCE). When word of the death of Yuskinko reached the President and Vice-Chairman, they agreed that the Vice-Chairman would take her place, while continuing in his role as Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNUSAL GOING ON.

Following their private meeting, President Vladik handed Vice-Chairman Kulik a message to deliver to the CPD this afternoon, recommending his election. Following a brief debate in the Congress, during which the deputies debated just how wonderful Kulik is, a roll-call vote was taken and the deputies duly elected Kulik as the new First Deputy President. Kulik thanked the deputies profusely, and then fired the entire cabinet and cancelled the video uplink to President Vladik’s home which had earlier been arranged to hear from the President after Kulik’s completely legitimate election.

Apparently President Vladik is suffering from laryngitis.

Putin Sends Congratulations

Russian Federation President and paragon of virtue Vladimir Putin sent his congratulations to Vice-Chairman Kulik this afternoon.

Revodna, 1 p.m. — Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin today extended his warmest greetings and congratulations to Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik this afternoon. Putin, a true friend to all the democratic and free peoples of the earth, especially all Koskovians, praised Vice-Chairman Kulik’s efforts to renew the government of Koskovia and prosecute the war against our common foe, Dictarabistan!

The telegram reads as follows: