New Minister of Information Appointed

Newly-appointed Minister of Information Grigori Rasputin takes the oath of office earlier today.

Palace of Information and Truth, 5 p.m. — Both President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik attended the swearing-in ceremony for the PDFRK’s newest Minister of Information, Grigori Rasputin. Minister Rasputin arrived in Revodna only six months ago, as a newly-elected member of Congress for Sideria Province, following the death of his predecessor, who accidentally decapitated himself while opening a can of tuna. Minister Rasputin quickly made a name for himself in Revolutionary politics. Although it’s hard to say exactly how. But he did.

Following the swearing-in ceremony, Minister Rasputin held the audience literally spell-bound while he spoke for four hours about his life in eastern Sideria and … and … his commitment to the Revolution (maybe?). Something like that. But we were spellbound.

He also told us he has a very large penis.

We must take his word for it.

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New Currency Issued

Palace of the Peoples’ Bank of the PFDRK, 4 p.m. — Standing in front of a large image of the redesigned 5 lik banknotes, Minister of Finance and Sport Gustav Hruska today announced the immediate availability of newly printed Lik notes.

The redesigned 5 lik notes, now being delivered to banks across the nation.

“Due to fasco-capitalist sabotage, our order for newly printed notes placed in October was delayed. Only after President and Chairman Vladik threatened harsh retaliation against the European Banknote and Stamp Printing Corporation were the new notes delivered,” the minister explained. “The new notes are being delivered to all of the local branches of the Peoples’ Bank — which were closed last October for cleaning and will re-open this afternoon —, and will be available for withdrawal by 9 a.m. tomorrow morning.”

“Therefore,” he continued, “bartering is once again illegal and we return to a cash-based economy.”

When asked by the reporter from StateTV and RadioKOS about the design process, the Minister replied: “We naturally chose a portrait of the President and Chairman to adorn the notes; and we chose the bright red lettering to remind our citizens of the Revolution. It is NOT TRUE that these are actually notes from the Republic of Moldova. Any suggestion along those lines is counter-revolutionary nonsense.”

President and Deputy President Found!

Revodna, 5 p.m. — Six weeks following the terrorist attack against the Presidential estate lodge on Lake Koskovia, the Minister of the Interior has announced the press that both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik have been found alive!

Both were discovered after tons of rubble were removed from the entrance to the underground “safe room” in which both had hidden.

Both were injured. President Vladik’s left arm and left leg were broken in the initial attack; Deputy President Kulik then carried the President to the safe room. During that maneuver, Kulik was badly burned on his right thigh.

Both were taken immediately upon their rescue to the PFDRK Revolutionary Triumph Special Party Hospital No. 7 outside of Revodna. Doctors are unsure at this moment when Vladik and Kulik will be able to return to duty. The doctor attending President Vladik, appointed as Head of Administration of Hospital No. 7 only yesterday, has suggested that both men face a long and difficult recovery, not only because of their injuries but because of malnutrition and dehydration.

Upon hearing the news, Acting President/Chairman/Speaker Tetrikov went immediately to their bedsides and promised to carry on in their name as long as was necessary. She urged both men not to rush their recovery.

President Signals Return

Deputy President Kulik as he departed for President Vladik’s country estate this afternoon.

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a letter to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik has signaled that he will return to the capital on Monday, 21st January 2008, in order to resume his duties as President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik read the letter to the Executive Council this afternoon. The communication indicated, in part, that the President “looks forward to once again taking up my official duties following this period of rest and recuperation. I wish to thank Deputy President Kulik for guiding the nation with a steady hand during this difficult period.

“Upon my return, I will review the recent constitutional and legal changes approved by the Executive Council. While I remain certain that these changes are perfectly in line with the Constitution of the PFDRK and our legal tradition, I believe such a review is important to the citizens of Koskovia. These changes include: the elimination of the positions of Second and Third Deputy Presidents; the re-allocation of certain duties to the Deputy President; and the dismissal of certain military, judicial, and ministerial leaders.”

The Executive Committee greeted the news with thunderous applause, led by the Deputy President.

Deputy President Kulik then gaveled the council meeting to a close with the announcement that he would be visiting President Vladik this weekend, at the President’s country estate at Lake Koskovia.

Vice-Chairman Guides the Nation With a Steady Hand

Vice-Chairman Kulik Addresses a Rally in Support of the War Against Dictarabistan in Revolution Square

Revodna, 5 p.m. — Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik continues to guide the nation while President & Chairman Vladik recovers from his recent surgery.

“The President and Chairman and I remain in constant contact,” Kulik told an assembly of ordinary Revodnans earlier today. “My only role is to see that the President’s policies are carried out in the most efficient manner possible. Fortunately, the policies of the President and myself are exactly matched in every way. Don’t bother asking him — naturally, he would agree with me. As I agree with him. We agree with each other, in other words.”

Citizens will remember that it was Vice-Chairman Kulik who first alerted President and Chairman Vladik to the dangers posed by the rogue leader of Dictarabistan and his threats to cut off the vital supply of cubic zirconia to Koskovia. Once the Vice-Chairman convinced the President of the real and present danger posed by that nation, Kulik himself undertook the planning for the pre-emptive strike.

Under his guidance, the war has gone very well, although the Vice-Chairman has warned that it may take some time to complete all of the goals set forth by the Joint Military Command Council.

Changes Made to Government Committees

Revodna, 4:30 p.m. — For three hours and twelve minutes this afternoon, full executive authority passed from President and Chairman Vladik to Vice-Chairman Kulik while the President underwent a colonoscopy.

Never one to shirk his responsibilities, Vice-Chairman Kulik took his new responsibilities very seriously. He dissolved the cabinet and replaced all of the ministers with younger and more vigorous men and woman (all of whom happened to have worked for the Vice-Chairman in various capacities at one time or another); promoted several middle-ranking military officers to the rank of general, and re-shuffled the Joint Military Command Council (which included several demotions and retirements); and appointed four new justices to the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court (after accepting the surprise retirements of four senior justices after lunching with the Vice-Chairman).

When asked by StateTV1 about his amazing work ethic and accomplishments in such a short time, the Vice-Chairman said: “It is imperative for all Koskovians to work every minute of every day in furtherence of the Great Koskovian Revolution!”

All executive authority reverted to President and Chairman Vladik at precisely 4:24 p.m. The President and Chairman is recuperating at his summer home on Lake Koskovia, and it not expected to return to the capital until the end of August at the earliest.

In the meantime, Vice-Chairman Kulik will continue to oversee the day-to-day affairs of state, while keeping in close consultation with President Vladik.

Constitutional Convention Convenes!

“The Members of the Constitutional Convention Pledge to Leap Ahead to the Glorious Future of True Socialism By Undertaking Needed Reforms!”

Palace of the People, Revodna, 9 a.m. — Three thousand delegates from all parts of Koskovia, and representative of all professions, gathered in the Great Hall of the Palace of the People this morning, to consider various proposals regarding changes to the Constitution of Koskovia. These delegates were, you’ll no doubt recall, elected on 31st December 2005 (don’t bother checking, they were — no matter what you think you remember about that General Election).

President and Chairman Vladik opened the august ceremony with a ringing speech focused on the need for periodic renewal in the interests of hastening the arrival of true socialism!

UPDATE: 10:15 a.m. — The Constitutional Convention has completed its work after voting to change the second word of line one hundred of paragraph seventy-seven of section sixty-two of article MCDLX of the state Constitution from “shall” to “will.”

All hail the brave delegates who have truly paved the way to a brighter future under true socialism!

Ministry Blog Back Online!

Minister of Information Rudiger Slezak

Greetings to one and all!

Recently this blog — maintained by the Ministry of Information of the PFDRK — was taken off-line due to technical difficulties.

This down-time HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY SO-CALLED “REPORTS” OF INTERNAL DISSENT, COUPS, ATTEMPTED COUPS, OR MASS PURGES IN THE GOVERNMENT OF KOSKOVIA!

Such reports are nothing more than fasco-capitalist propaganda, despite any evidence to the contrary (and the BBC reports you may have illegally heard over the wireless when the jamming stations failed briefly last month).

President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies MLADIK VLADIK remains firmly in control. IT IS NOT TRUE THAT HE WAS PLACED BRIEFLY UNDER HOUSE-ARREST IN JANUARY! He did not appear in public for six weeks because he stayed in his office night and day working on government affairs (he didn’t even leave to use the rest room!)

The fact that there have been seven Ministers of Information since September is simply bad luck: three committed accidental suicide; two died of cancer; one had an unfortunate fall from the top of the State Security Service Headquarters; and the most recent accidentally stepped in front of a speeding train at 3:48 a.m. last Tuesday.

The REAL reason this website has been offline is because a comrade janitor at the Ministry accidentally unplugged the server. He has apologized, and is now vacationing in North Korea and certainly cannot be reached for comment or questioning until he returns sometime next year.

The current Minister of Information, Rudiger Slezak, is pictured above. Minister Slezak served as Second Deputy Under Secretary of Internal Investigations in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs from 1990-2004; and as Second Assistant Deputy Director of Media in the Ministry of Information from 2004 until February of 2007. President and Chairman Vladik appointed him Minister of Information following the death of his predecessor on 27 February 2007.

Now that this website is back on-line, here are some important news bulletins from the last several months:

• Little Mariska Vashili, only eight years old, won first prize at the Socialist Flower Show!

• Mrs. K. Randik delivered a four-hour address to the Socialist Women’s Sewing Circle on the benefits to the world of Socialism and praised the efforts of President and Chairman Vladik in pursuit of that goal.

• That village ten miles east of the capital city definitely did NOT explode. The booming sounds you heard and all the smoke was actually from a theatre troupe production of “Hamlet.”

• The entire cabinet and half of the members of the Joint Military Command Council resigned on 1 March 2007 due to ill health and/or sudden death.

• President and Chairman Vladik definitely did NOT accidentally shoot his youngest son in the face on a recent hunting trip. The extensive plastic surgery and facial reconstruction required by Yuri Vladik was due to a mole that needed to be removed.

Latest Dispatches from the Ministry of Information

PFDRK System Will Be More Consolidated

Revodna, 4 p.m. — The U.S. some time ago let the EU present a “resolution on human rights in Koskovia” to the United Nations and adopt it and recently brought together riff-raffs to hold an “international conference on human rights issue” of a certain country, which are a very dangerous political plot to stifle the PFDRK.
Although the U.S. plays a “judge of human rights”, styling itself a “defender of human rights” and taking issue with the “issue of human rights” in anti-American independent countries including the PFDRK, it is a real abuser of human rights.
The essence and ultimate goal of the U.S. strategy of “human rights” towards the PFDRK is to fabricate false “human rights issue” and arouse public opinion and politicize it over the world so as to isolate, blockade and undermine the PFDRK and demolish Koskovia-style socialism. But it is a daydream coming from ignorance of the PFDRK.
The more frantically the U.S. resorts to the shameless “human rights” racket, the more the system of PFDRK will be consolidated along the unique line of Kosokovia Socialism.
The U.S. should ponder over the consequences of its reckless “human rights” offensive.

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Ugandan President Praises PFDRK

Revodna, 4:15 p.m. — “I am sure that the PFDRK will become a more powerful country under the wise leadership of His Excellency Mladik Vladik,” Ugandan President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni said this when meeting PFDRK Ambassador to Uganda Valeria Tupolev who paid a farewell call on him on Dec. 13.
President Museveni highly praised the Socialist leadership of President and Chairman Vladik who has successfully carried forward the nation’s cause and underscored the need to steadily boost the relations between the two countries that have favorably developed.

[Editor's Note: These are adapted from actual news items from the KCNA. See link at bottom.]

Industrial Output Statistics Corrected

Revodna, 2 pm — The 28-member Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics has issued its latest report. The Committee voted 27-1 to correct the number of winter boots produced in June, 2001, from a total of 263, to a revised total of 100 million. This means that every single Koskovian now has 10,000 pairs of winter boots!

UPDATE, 2:25 pm — The Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics now has 27 members, following the resignation of one member due to radiation poisoning.