Crowd Attacks Peaceful Police!

 

Revodna, 5 p.m. —  At a peaceful gathering of the Capital Police Force this afternoon, a small crowd of counter-revolutionaries chanting anti-war slogans attacked!  They shouted the most vile lies at the brave policemen, such as “Dictarabistan did not attack Koskovia!”, “The War is Illegitimate!”, “The Government Lied To Get Us Into War!”, “The War Only Benefits the Cubic Zirconia Companies!”, “No Blood for Cubic Zirconia!”, and other such untruths!

The police tried to calm the crowd, but had no choice but to respond when the crowd attacked with bricks, stones, and clubs.

The riot ended quickly, however.  All participants were arrested for Disturbance of the Public Peace.

Don’t expect them to be home any time soon.

Corrections to the Great Koskovian Encyclopedia Needed

Revodna, 2 p.m. — The Central Committee for the Publication, Correction, and Revision of the Great Koskovian Encyclopedia (CCPCRGKE) announced this afternoon that an error has been discovered in the latest edition of the national encyclopedia which all citizens received in January of 2007.

On page fifty-eight of volume three, there appears an article and photograph entitled: “Fedik, Viktor Sergeyevich.” This article references a fictional person who certainly never served on the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, and who therefore never could have possibly defected to Germany last night. It appears that an employee in the Art Department created this obviously false mock-up as a place holder, and due to human error the article ended up in the final version.

As truth and honesty is the hallmark of any socialist state, the CCPCRGKE issued a directive to all citizens to cut this article out and burn it. The ashes should be returned via KoskoviaPost to: CCPCRGKE, #22 Avenue of Free Peoples, Suite 10, Revodna, G-873-B-99. The mailing should include your name, age, profession, address, and national identification number. The deadline for this mailing is tomorrow at 5 p.m.

Chief Justice Resigns

Former Chief Justice Mikhail Spasky

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Mikhail Spasky, the Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court of the PFDRK (CJCITLSCCPFDRK), submitted his resignation to President and Chairman Vladik this afternoon. Justice Spasky cited his desire to spend more time with his family as his reason for stepping down. President and Chairman Vladik praised Spasky as “a true friend to me personally, and to the Revolution. His invaluable contributions to the completely independent and totally honest judicial system will be studied for years to come.”

UPDATE, 3:04 p.m. — Actually, he resigned due to ill health.

UPDATE, 3:06 p.m. — Well, he had a heart attack.

UPDATE, 3:07 p.m. — A heart attack after being shot.

UPDATE, 3:08 p.m. — In the head.

UPDATE, 3:14 p.m. — By the State Security Service.

UPDATE, 3:15 p.m. — Actually, he was shot for treason.

UPDATE, 3:18 p.m. — And fishing without a license.

UPDATE, 3:29 p.m. — Any reports of an individual named “Mikhail Spasky” which indicated that he was the Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court are inaccurate. According to President and Chairman Vladik, no such individual ever existed. Any claims to the contrary are counter-revolutionary and un-Socialist propaganda.

So there.