New Documentary Film Released

President and Chairman Vladik outside the tomb of King Marko.

Revodna, 1 p.m. — “Glorifying the Long History of the Nation”, part 21 of documentary film “The Great History”, was produced by the Koskovian Central Documentary and Science Film Studio.

The film impressively tells through historical sites and relics about the immortal exploits President
Mladik Vladik performed by carrying forward and developing the long history and brilliant culture of the Koskovian nation and adding shine to them in the whole period of leading the revolution and construction.

The film contains historic scenes showing the President visiting scenic spots such as Vladik Hill and Mt. Socialist Achievement together with Anti-Capitalist Heroine Hrda Martok and General Secretary Vladik right after the liberation of the country to give instructions on carrying out the work to preserve and manage well historic sites and relics that bear witness to the wisdom and skills of the Koskovian nation and provide meticulous guidance to it.

The film deals with vivid facts that the President made sure that many issues arising at different historical phases including the clarification of the origin of Koskovians, the culture in the areas along the River Vardic, the appearance of Ancient Koskovia, the first slave state, and the year in which Revodna was set up were properly settled and led the work to scientifically explain the history of the Koskovian nation, once distorted and written off.

The film tells the touching story that after seeing to it that the ancestral father of the nation was found out, the President exerted efforts to ensure that King Georg’s Mausoleum, King Yusef’s Mausoleum and King Marko’s Mausoleum were rebuilt as national treasures to be handed down to posterity and showed profound loving care for historians.

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(note: adapted from the (North) Korean Central News Agency, always good for a laugh!

Grand Admiral Dedicates 500th Ship!

Revodna, 4:00 p.m. — Supreme Grand Admiral Viko Pachinko, Chairman of the Central Koskovian Naval Command and Control Committee (CKNCCC) today dedicated the 500th addition to the great Koskovian Navy! This newest ship, the Triumph of the Working Class on the Ocean, is of the latest design. She carries a crew of seven thousand, and is so large and powerful she is commanded by three captains!

At the dedication ceremony, Supreme Grand Admiral Pachinko praised the workmanship and skill of all of the naval construction workers and the forward thinking of the Central Koskovian Naval Planning, Design, Pre-Production, and Construction Committee (CKNPDPPCC). By sheer force of will, the workers at the Central Koskovian Naval Construction Bay (CKNCB) completed this triumph of socialist planning in only fifteen hours!

“The Triumph of the Working Class on the Ocean represents the supreme naval achievement of the PFDRK under the leadership of our great and wise President and Chairman Mladik Vladik. With this commission, the great Koskovian navy is now the largest navy in the world, and the most powerful. All the other nations of the Earth tremble in sight of our super-ships!”

The gathered press were not aloud to take photos of the new super-ship, as that would violate national security. The ceremony was attended by many government leaders, and closed to the press.

The Minister of Information reminds the reader that it is un-Socialist propaganda to suggest that Koskovia has no navy — nor needs one — as Koskovia is a land-locked nation. We have more than one thousand admirals, don’t we? Then we must have a navy! Q.E.D. If you need proof, here is a photograph of an ACTUAL sailor in the great Koskovian Navy! This photograph was taken by this sailor’s shipmate (one of many, we assure you!):

A Triumph of Socialist Computer Engineering!

Behold! The Fatherland’s Greatest Invention, the Novistar Personal Computer!

Revodna, 4:45 p.m. — The Minister of Socialist Engineering, Planning, Pre-Production, and Development announced this afternoon the creation of the Fatherland’s latest and greatest invention.

Introducing the Novistar Personal Home Computer!

After years of planning and development, the Ministry is proud to announce the releast of the finest personal computer machine in all the world! With 640k of memory, a hardy input keyboard, a highly readable green screen, and a comfortable seat for any operator, the Novistar will be a wonderful addition to any home.* Plus, it is automatically hooked into the Central Koskovian Information Network (CKIN) via the so-called “inter-web,” so that any comrade (after approximately 5,000 hours of training) can file his taxes, keep a personal schedule or diary (that is conviently shared with the State Security Service), and connect to the Koskovian Central Bank to check account balances!†

Planning for the Novistar Personal Computer began in earnest in 1963, and takes advantage of the most advanced hardware and software of the 1970s. It comes pre-installed with Microsoft Windows® XP (Koskovian Edition), Microsoft Internet Explorer®, Lotus 1-2-3 accounting software, and all the spyware and malware one could ever need!**

Oh, and the large thing on top that looks like a video camera — and may sound just like one that is recording — is really a very sensitive peice of advanced equipment that should not be touched by anyone at any time. Skilled technicians will come by your home every week — free of charge! — to service this very special equipment THAT IN NO WAY RECORDS ANYTHING.††

The Novistar Personal Computer will go on sale in all state department stores on January 31 of this year. The cost will be €275,750.

The Novistar Design Group is already hard at work in developing the next generation of socialist super-computer for personal use. Expected release date is January 31, 2078.
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Notes:
*The Novistar is actually too big to fit in most Koskovian homes. The Ministry suggests that those interested in purchasing a unit contact the State Home Construction Service and make an arrangement to add another room to your house. It simply will not fit in an apartment. Sorry.

†If you have a balance, that is.

**It is un-Socialist propaganda to suggest that any fine Microsoft® product is in fact a rip-off of Apple® Computer’s Macintosh operating system. Comrade Bill Gates assures the Ministry of Information that this allegation IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE, AND ALL EVIDENCE OR INFORMATION TO THE CONTRARY IS A COMPLETE FABRICATION BY THE FASCO-CAPITALIST PIG STEVE JOBS. We of course have no reason to doubt the veracity of Comrade Gates’ word.

††The very idea that the State Security Service would install any sort of recording device in the home of a loyal comrade is, of course, absurd. No matter what you’ve heard. Or found.

Industrial Output Statistics Corrected

Revodna, 2 pm — The 28-member Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics has issued its latest report. The Committee voted 27-1 to correct the number of winter boots produced in June, 2001, from a total of 263, to a revised total of 100 million. This means that every single Koskovian now has 10,000 pairs of winter boots!

UPDATE, 2:25 pm — The Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics now has 27 members, following the resignation of one member due to radiation poisoning.

The Minister of Information Welcomes You!

Minister of Information of the PFDRK, Krasomyr Somidar

Dear Reader,
Thank you for visiting the newly-created site for all things Koskovian! You may have heard that the previous Minister of Information Boris Pugonov accidentally cut his head off while combing his hair. We are very sad at the loss of one of the leaders of the 3rd phase of the Glorius Revolution, which is led by our Dear Leader, the Mountain Eagle, the Friend to All Children and Races, President Mladik Vladik.

To honor the loss of the Minister, we inaugerate this news site for all Koskovians and admirers of our Dear Leader’s philosophy of governance and national unity, as set forth in his best-selling work, “107 1/2 New Ideas for the Continuance of National Unity Under An Ever-Changing Philosophy of the Revolutionary State.”

Enjoy your stay. Remember that all information here is subject to change at any time, without notice. Repeating old information is a criminal offense under the Act For the Preservation of Free and Accurate Information [1950]. So be careful!

Most sincerely Yours,
Krasomyr Somidar,
Minister of Information
Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia