New Documentary Film Released

President and Chairman Vladik outside the tomb of King Marko.

Revodna, 1 p.m. — “Glorifying the Long History of the Nation”, part 21 of documentary film “The Great History”, was produced by the Koskovian Central Documentary and Science Film Studio.

The film impressively tells through historical sites and relics about the immortal exploits President
Mladik Vladik performed by carrying forward and developing the long history and brilliant culture of the Koskovian nation and adding shine to them in the whole period of leading the revolution and construction.

The film contains historic scenes showing the President visiting scenic spots such as Vladik Hill and Mt. Socialist Achievement together with Anti-Capitalist Heroine Hrda Martok and General Secretary Vladik right after the liberation of the country to give instructions on carrying out the work to preserve and manage well historic sites and relics that bear witness to the wisdom and skills of the Koskovian nation and provide meticulous guidance to it.

The film deals with vivid facts that the President made sure that many issues arising at different historical phases including the clarification of the origin of Koskovians, the culture in the areas along the River Vardic, the appearance of Ancient Koskovia, the first slave state, and the year in which Revodna was set up were properly settled and led the work to scientifically explain the history of the Koskovian nation, once distorted and written off.

The film tells the touching story that after seeing to it that the ancestral father of the nation was found out, the President exerted efforts to ensure that King Georg’s Mausoleum, King Yusef’s Mausoleum and King Marko’s Mausoleum were rebuilt as national treasures to be handed down to posterity and showed profound loving care for historians.

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(note: adapted from the (North) Korean Central News Agency, always good for a laugh!

President’s Son Honored

Georgi Vladik, eldest son of President and Chairman Vladik, at the Peoples’ Award Ceremonies.

Revodna, 8 p.m. — Georgi Vladik, the eldest son of President and Chairman Vladik, tonight received the nation’s highest awards at the annual Peoples’ Awards Ceremony in the Palace of Culture.

Georgi, 32, received three honors from the Central Committee for the Honoring of Outstanding Efforts in the Service of the State and the Furthering of the Cause of Socialism Both Nationally and Internationally by Ordinary Koskovians (CCHOESSFCSBNIOK): the Star of Vladik (1st Class) for his tireless efforts overseeing the Lake Koskovia Sailing Program for Socialist Youth; the Golden Star (1st Star) for his work in the Socialist Film Directorate; and the General Yevgeni Kolyma White Star (1st Class) for his previous military service (January – May, 2008).

Georgi gave a brief speech in which he thanked his parents for instilling in him the importance of constant efforts in the furtherance of socialism. His proud father, President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia Mladik Vladik, pinned the awards to his son’s athletic chest himself, wearing a broad smile all the while. President and Chairman Vladik then spoke for two hours extolling the virtues of his son’s work, occasionally needling Georgi for remaining unmarried and spending such a lot of time in the steam room of the Revodna Central Gymnasium! His time there is, of course, part of his rigid physical exercise regime, which is the duty of all Koskovians.

Other award recipients were:
Yalu, Magda (67 yrs) – Silver Star (3rd Class) for work with the elderly and infirm (1962-2008)
Ungar, Yuri (72 yrs) – Aluminum Cross (2nd Class) for work in physics at the University of Revodna (1960-2000)
Halstrom, Maria (7 yrs) – Gold Star (2nd Class) for classroom artwork in the furtherance of the Revolution.

There Is No Financial Crisis

Palace of the People, 4 p.m. — President & Chairman Vladik addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon after rumors circulated of a “financial crisis” in Koskovia.

“Let me be perfectly clear,” the President asserted forcefully. “There is NO financial crisis in the PFDRK. The Minister of Finance definitely did NOT seek a loan from the European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund in the amount of €500 million. Such rumors are simply fasco-capitialist nonsense.

“Further, the Peoples’ Bank of Koskovia definitely did NOT suddenly close three weeks ago because of a run on the bank. All PBK branches have been closed for cleaning and will re-open soon.

“There is a slight shortage of bank notes, but only because the printing presses at the Central Committee for Currency Printing are down for maintenance.

“It is UNTRUE that the Director-General of the Peoples’ Bank was taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance. He died when he accidentally tripped over a chair leg and landed head-first on a bullet he dropped earlier when cleaning his pistol.

“As to the disappearance of the former Director-Generals of the Peoples’ Investment Bank, the Peoples’ Mortgage Corporation, and the Peoples Sub-Prime Mortgage Company: they were, in fact, taken behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance.

“Moreover, it is UNTRUE that myself, Deputy President Kulik, and members of the Central Committee have moved their personal funds to Switzerland for safe-keeping.

“Finally, let the people of the PFDRK know that the foundations of our socialist economy are strong. However, to stem any fears, the people are free to enter into bartering arrangements for goods and services until the Central Committee for Currency Printing gets the printing presses repaired and can issues new paper currency.

“Thank you all.”

Following his statement, the President departed the palace for the airport, where he will embark on a short vacation to Russia where he hopes to meet Prime Minister Putin’s new tiger cub.

Some Leading Deputies Ask Tetrikov To Step Aside

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Certain leading members of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies have called upon Acting President/Chairman/Deputy President Yvonne Tetrikov to step down in favor of the almost-recovered Deputy President Kulik and “return to our normal constitutional system.”

Acting President/Chairman Tetrikov, however, has refused. “A significant number of Deputies have privately asked me to stay on as long as is necessary, until both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are fully recovered.”

The Congress held five votes today, but were unable to resolve the issue after furious negotiations behind the scenes. [One vote, in which 297 deputies voted in favor of Tetrikov stepping down, was invalidated by the Acting President/Speaker herself on a technicality and is thus not included in the total valid votes taken.]

The first vote had 100 deputies in favor of Tetrikov stepping aside, 100 against, and 98 abstentions.

The second vote: 140 in favor; 140 against; 18 abstentions.

The third vote: 145 in favor; 145 against; 8 abstentions.

The fourth vote: 147 in favor; 143 against; 8 abstentions (thus no majority achieved)

The fifth vote: 149 in favor; 141 against; 8 abstentions (thus no majority achieved)

Although those in favor of the Acting President stepping aside won a plurality of votes thrice, Tetrikov announced that she would not step aside unless a majority of all of the Deputies voted in favor of such a move.

“The people do not want me to step aside,” she proclaimed from the Speakers’ Chair during the lull between the fourth and fifth votes, “and I shall not until the time is right.” When asked when the time will be right, she replied: “When I decide it is. I am the Acting President, and my 35 years of government service tell me to stay where I am for now.”

Frustrated pro-stepping aside deputies have called upon the so-called “Super Deputies” to help decide the issue. Super Deputies are former members of the Congress; provincial governors; former cabinet ministers; and members of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court. It is unclear when and if these Super Deputies will weigh in, although some have privately expressed the opinion that Tetrikov should go.

Vasili Yakovlev, the Minister of Industry from 3:00 p.m. until 3:17 p.m. on December 12, 2007 — and a close ally of Deputy President Kulik — demanded that Acting President Tetrikov obey the will of the plurality of the Congress, in their capacity as representatives of the whole Koskovian people.

Tetrikov refused, but was unable to give a convincing answer as to the legitimacy of her case.

Even the cabinet is deadlocked: her close ally Georg Ulianov, Minister of ForInDef (that is, he is Foreign Minister, Interior Minister, and Defense Minister) cast his 3 votes in support of her decision. The other 3 cabinet ministers voted in favor of her stepping aside.

It is now unclear if those cabinet ministers will remain in office.

The former Minister of Trade Ruslan Rakov commented that Tetrikov “must recognize reality. She doesn’t have the numbers in her favor to win.“

This story is ongoing. Stay tuned for updates.

President and Deputy President Found!

Revodna, 5 p.m. — Six weeks following the terrorist attack against the Presidential estate lodge on Lake Koskovia, the Minister of the Interior has announced the press that both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik have been found alive!

Both were discovered after tons of rubble were removed from the entrance to the underground “safe room” in which both had hidden.

Both were injured. President Vladik’s left arm and left leg were broken in the initial attack; Deputy President Kulik then carried the President to the safe room. During that maneuver, Kulik was badly burned on his right thigh.

Both were taken immediately upon their rescue to the PFDRK Revolutionary Triumph Special Party Hospital No. 7 outside of Revodna. Doctors are unsure at this moment when Vladik and Kulik will be able to return to duty. The doctor attending President Vladik, appointed as Head of Administration of Hospital No. 7 only yesterday, has suggested that both men face a long and difficult recovery, not only because of their injuries but because of malnutrition and dehydration.

Upon hearing the news, Acting President/Chairman/Speaker Tetrikov went immediately to their bedsides and promised to carry on in their name as long as was necessary. She urged both men not to rush their recovery.

Acting President Tetrikov Speaks

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Acting President of the Republic and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon.

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Earlier this afternoon, Acting President Yvonne Tetrikov addressed the reporter from StateTV1 and RadioKos with an update on the search for President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik:

“As you know, a terrorist attack hit the grounds of the Presidential retreat at Lake Koskovia last week. The attack damaged the entire compound and much of the surrounding area. The incendiary devices proved quite difficult to extinguish and necessitated the combined efforts of the local emergency services, the Koskovian Emergency Response and Management Service (KERMS), and the Fire Service of the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces. The fires were only contained two days ago.

“Based on reports from Major General Yuri Testikov, who is in charge of the scene, confidence is high that both the President and Deputy President survived. According to General Testikov, the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces constructed a nuclear-proof bunker beneath the lakeside estate in 1989, when the brotherhood of Socialist nations abandoned Koskovia. The difficulty now is that the bunker is buried under tons of rubble which will take time to clear.

“Therefore, under the provisions of Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskova, I have assumed the offices of Acting President of the Republic, Acting Deputy President of the Republic, and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. I will retain the position of Speaker of the CPD until further notice. Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Koskovian Joint Military Command Council, has pledge his support to my administration — no matter how temporary — and will oversee the rescue operation now underway at Lake Koskovia.

“I ask all citizens of Koskovia to hope for the survival of our President and Deputy President, and for their immediate rescue.

“As announced last week, in my capacity as Acting Chairman of the Executive Council, I dismissed both the Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Defense for incompetence. The Foreign Minister resigned of his own accord. I have replaced all three with Georg Ulianov, my former chief of staff and now a member of the CPD from the Eketerinburg region. He will retain all three positions until suitable replacements for the Defense and Foreign Ministers can be found. He should thus be referred to in the press as ‘Minister of ForInDef.’”

“Long live the Revolution! Long Live Koskovia!”

At the end of the hour-long press conference, Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov took no questions. The new Minister of ForInDef announced that the State of Martial Law would continue for the foreseeable future. He further announced that current reports from the war with Dictarabistan are “encouraging.” The Koskovian Peoples’ Air Force has destroyed much of the Dictarabistan Air Force, and bombed fifty villages. He concluding by saying, “The war against Dictarabistan is within measure distance of its end.”

Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov with long-time POLITICAL ally (and certainly not anything else) and new Minister of ForInDef Georg Ulianov.

President Still At Home

President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are hard at work inside the presidential villa at Lake Koskovia this evening, as they have been all week, in furtherance of the Revolution!

Revodna, 5 p.m. — A spokesman for the Ministry of Information reported this afternoon that President and Chairman Vladik has not yet returned to the capital as expected.

In a letter to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies last week, President Vladik announced his intention to return to Revodna on Monday, 21st January, to resume his duties. Deputy President Kulik travelled to the President’s villa on Lake Koskovia last week. Since then, the presidential palace has been closed while the President and Deputy President confer on various issues.

The ministry spokesman described a telephone call from the Deputy President this morning, which indicated that he and President Vladik were, in his words, “deep in conversation about a variety of topics of interest to all Koskovians.”

Those matters are, naturally, classified.

When asked by the reporter from the Daily Truth as to when the President and Deputy will return to the capital, the spokesman replied: “Soon, although they wish to achieve further collaboration in their common effort to move Koskovia closer towards true Socialism in the months and years ahead.”

President Signals Return

Deputy President Kulik as he departed for President Vladik’s country estate this afternoon.

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a letter to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik has signaled that he will return to the capital on Monday, 21st January 2008, in order to resume his duties as President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik read the letter to the Executive Council this afternoon. The communication indicated, in part, that the President “looks forward to once again taking up my official duties following this period of rest and recuperation. I wish to thank Deputy President Kulik for guiding the nation with a steady hand during this difficult period.

“Upon my return, I will review the recent constitutional and legal changes approved by the Executive Council. While I remain certain that these changes are perfectly in line with the Constitution of the PFDRK and our legal tradition, I believe such a review is important to the citizens of Koskovia. These changes include: the elimination of the positions of Second and Third Deputy Presidents; the re-allocation of certain duties to the Deputy President; and the dismissal of certain military, judicial, and ministerial leaders.”

The Executive Committee greeted the news with thunderous applause, led by the Deputy President.

Deputy President Kulik then gaveled the council meeting to a close with the announcement that he would be visiting President Vladik this weekend, at the President’s country estate at Lake Koskovia.

Joint Work By Kulik and Vladik Celebrated

Revodna, 1 p.m. — A seminar was held at the Central Youth Hall Thursday to mark the 25th anniversary of the publication of President Vladik’s famous work “On Increasing Obedience to Socialist Laws,” recently updated by Deputy President Kulik.

The work clarifies that it is the obedience to the socialist laws for all members of the society to work and live as required by laws and regulations instituted by the socialist state and explains the position of the socialist laws in the obedience to laws.

The seminar heard papers proving in depth the validity and vitality of the ideas and theories expounded by Kulik and Vladik in the work and explaining the issues arising in increasing the obedience to the socialist laws.

The speakers said that the work provides ideological and theoretical guidelines for consolidating the state social system and powerfully pushing forward the revolution and construction in the PFDRK as it specifies the fundamental mission of the socialist laws and duty to be fulfilled by law-enforcement officials and comprehensively indicates the orientation of increasing the obedience to the socialist laws with the revolutionary spirit and fighting trait displayed by the servicepersons of the Koskovian People’s Army as examples and ways to do so.

Kulik and Vladik in the work scientifically and theoretically formulated and systematized the idea of President Vladik on obedience to socialist laws and developed it in depth as required by the Revolutionary era, thus helping all members of society abide by the socialist laws with high revolutionary and voluntary spirit and a high sense of organization and discipline.

The speakers explained practical issues arising in increasing the obedience to the socialist laws so as to strictly abide by law and order of the state and give full play to the advantages of the system whereby to guide the obedience to the socialist laws.

Present at the seminar were Deputy President Josef Kulik, members of the socialist law observance guidance committees of different levels, officials of juridical organs, law-enforcement officials and explainers of law observance, teachers and researchers of universities.

The session closed with thunderous applause for Deputy President Kulik.

Oh, and President and Chairman Vladik as well.
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Adapted from North Korean Central News Agency, the greatest humor site on the entire interweb!

Needed Changes to Law Enacted

Revodna, 8 p.m. — At a full meeting of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies late this afternoon, Vice-Chairman and First Deputy President Josef Kulik proposed certain changes to Koskovian Acts and Statutes. The Executive Committee approved the proposals and have sent them on to the Congress for switch enactment.

The acts and statutes affected are:

• The Act of Executive Succession (1989), Section 139(A), Paragraph 87(F), Line 16, Word “may” to “must.”
• The Statute of Authority of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies (1978), Section 55(C), Paragraph 2(A), Line 54, phrase “…authority will devolve…” to “…authority will not devolve…”
• The Act Concerning the Proper Procedure for the Calling of a Full Session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies to Convene as a Constitutional Convention (1982), Section 33(G), Paragraph 44(E), Line 889, phrase “…by sole authority of the President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia…” to “by the joint authority of the President and First Deputy President of Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia…”
• The Act Concerning the Proper Role in Government of the First, Second, Third and Fourth Deputy Presidents (1992) is repealed, replaced with The Act Abolishing the Positions of Second, Third and Fourth Deputy Presidents (2007).
• The introduction of the “Act to Relieve the Pressures of Daily Government on the President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia and/or Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of Congress of the Peoples’ Deputies of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia” (2007).

According to Vice-Chairman and Deputy President Kulik, all thee suggested acts and revisions have the full approval of President and Chairman Mladik Vladik, still recovering from his recent colonoscopy at his summer home at Lake Koskovia.

UPDATE (8:17 p.m.): The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies has voted 298-2 to enact all of the suggested revisions.

UPDATE (8:19 p.m.): The Congress of People’s Deputies now has 298 members.