New Documentary Film Released

President and Chairman Vladik outside the tomb of King Marko.

Revodna, 1 p.m. — “Glorifying the Long History of the Nation”, part 21 of documentary film “The Great History”, was produced by the Koskovian Central Documentary and Science Film Studio.

The film impressively tells through historical sites and relics about the immortal exploits President
Mladik Vladik performed by carrying forward and developing the long history and brilliant culture of the Koskovian nation and adding shine to them in the whole period of leading the revolution and construction.

The film contains historic scenes showing the President visiting scenic spots such as Vladik Hill and Mt. Socialist Achievement together with Anti-Capitalist Heroine Hrda Martok and General Secretary Vladik right after the liberation of the country to give instructions on carrying out the work to preserve and manage well historic sites and relics that bear witness to the wisdom and skills of the Koskovian nation and provide meticulous guidance to it.

The film deals with vivid facts that the President made sure that many issues arising at different historical phases including the clarification of the origin of Koskovians, the culture in the areas along the River Vardic, the appearance of Ancient Koskovia, the first slave state, and the year in which Revodna was set up were properly settled and led the work to scientifically explain the history of the Koskovian nation, once distorted and written off.

The film tells the touching story that after seeing to it that the ancestral father of the nation was found out, the President exerted efforts to ensure that King Georg’s Mausoleum, King Yusef’s Mausoleum and King Marko’s Mausoleum were rebuilt as national treasures to be handed down to posterity and showed profound loving care for historians.

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(note: adapted from the (North) Korean Central News Agency, always good for a laugh!

President’s Son Honored

Georgi Vladik, eldest son of President and Chairman Vladik, at the Peoples’ Award Ceremonies.

Revodna, 8 p.m. — Georgi Vladik, the eldest son of President and Chairman Vladik, tonight received the nation’s highest awards at the annual Peoples’ Awards Ceremony in the Palace of Culture.

Georgi, 32, received three honors from the Central Committee for the Honoring of Outstanding Efforts in the Service of the State and the Furthering of the Cause of Socialism Both Nationally and Internationally by Ordinary Koskovians (CCHOESSFCSBNIOK): the Star of Vladik (1st Class) for his tireless efforts overseeing the Lake Koskovia Sailing Program for Socialist Youth; the Golden Star (1st Star) for his work in the Socialist Film Directorate; and the General Yevgeni Kolyma White Star (1st Class) for his previous military service (January – May, 2008).

Georgi gave a brief speech in which he thanked his parents for instilling in him the importance of constant efforts in the furtherance of socialism. His proud father, President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia Mladik Vladik, pinned the awards to his son’s athletic chest himself, wearing a broad smile all the while. President and Chairman Vladik then spoke for two hours extolling the virtues of his son’s work, occasionally needling Georgi for remaining unmarried and spending such a lot of time in the steam room of the Revodna Central Gymnasium! His time there is, of course, part of his rigid physical exercise regime, which is the duty of all Koskovians.

Other award recipients were:
Yalu, Magda (67 yrs) – Silver Star (3rd Class) for work with the elderly and infirm (1962-2008)
Ungar, Yuri (72 yrs) – Aluminum Cross (2nd Class) for work in physics at the University of Revodna (1960-2000)
Halstrom, Maria (7 yrs) – Gold Star (2nd Class) for classroom artwork in the furtherance of the Revolution.

New Minister of Information Appointed

Newly-appointed Minister of Information Grigori Rasputin takes the oath of office earlier today.

Palace of Information and Truth, 5 p.m. — Both President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik attended the swearing-in ceremony for the PDFRK’s newest Minister of Information, Grigori Rasputin. Minister Rasputin arrived in Revodna only six months ago, as a newly-elected member of Congress for Sideria Province, following the death of his predecessor, who accidentally decapitated himself while opening a can of tuna. Minister Rasputin quickly made a name for himself in Revolutionary politics. Although it’s hard to say exactly how. But he did.

Following the swearing-in ceremony, Minister Rasputin held the audience literally spell-bound while he spoke for four hours about his life in eastern Sideria and … and … his commitment to the Revolution (maybe?). Something like that. But we were spellbound.

He also told us he has a very large penis.

We must take his word for it.

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There Is No Financial Crisis

Palace of the People, 4 p.m. — President & Chairman Vladik addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon after rumors circulated of a “financial crisis” in Koskovia.

“Let me be perfectly clear,” the President asserted forcefully. “There is NO financial crisis in the PFDRK. The Minister of Finance definitely did NOT seek a loan from the European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund in the amount of €500 million. Such rumors are simply fasco-capitialist nonsense.

“Further, the Peoples’ Bank of Koskovia definitely did NOT suddenly close three weeks ago because of a run on the bank. All PBK branches have been closed for cleaning and will re-open soon.

“There is a slight shortage of bank notes, but only because the printing presses at the Central Committee for Currency Printing are down for maintenance.

“It is UNTRUE that the Director-General of the Peoples’ Bank was taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance. He died when he accidentally tripped over a chair leg and landed head-first on a bullet he dropped earlier when cleaning his pistol.

“As to the disappearance of the former Director-Generals of the Peoples’ Investment Bank, the Peoples’ Mortgage Corporation, and the Peoples Sub-Prime Mortgage Company: they were, in fact, taken behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance.

“Moreover, it is UNTRUE that myself, Deputy President Kulik, and members of the Central Committee have moved their personal funds to Switzerland for safe-keeping.

“Finally, let the people of the PFDRK know that the foundations of our socialist economy are strong. However, to stem any fears, the people are free to enter into bartering arrangements for goods and services until the Central Committee for Currency Printing gets the printing presses repaired and can issues new paper currency.

“Thank you all.”

Following his statement, the President departed the palace for the airport, where he will embark on a short vacation to Russia where he hopes to meet Prime Minister Putin’s new tiger cub.

Workers Endorse Acting President

The Chairmen of Koskovia’s six five major labor unions met this afternoon and after a brief meeting passed a resolution endorsing the recent actions taken by Acting President Tetrikov in preserving the security of the PFDRK.
photo © KosPhoto 2008

Hall of Workers’ Triumphs in Forwarding the Revolution, Revodna, Noon — Leaders of Koskovia’s six five major trade unions today passed a resolution praising the efforts of Acting President Tetrikov in maintaining the security of the state during the convalescence of President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Deputy President Kulik.

The resolution read:

We the representatives of the Revolutionary Workers of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia hereby endorse the actions of Acting President Tetrikov since taking office six weeks ago. Comrade Tetrikov has shown a true commitment to the Revolution and to the working class of Koskovia in securing our future. We praise her for her recent appointments to government positions and pursuing policies necessary for the defense of the Revolution.

We further hope for the speedy recovery of President Vladik. Oh, and Deputy President Kulik.

The union leaders pictured above are (from left to right, starting at bottom row):
- Georgi Spaztikov, Chairman of the All-Koskovian Writers, Columnists, Journalists and Steel Workers Revolutionary Trade Union
- Sergei Nabokov, First President of the Revolutionary Trade Union (Red Banner) of Philosophers, Pet Groomers and Plastic Workers
- Nikoli Rashkulnikov, Guild Master of Communist Artisans and Revolutionary Atomic Energy Plant Workers (First Class)

- Sasha Slinki, Chief Revolutionary Sergeant Major of the All-Koskovian Federation of Enlisted Members of the Armed Services and Bakery Workers.
- Mikhail Gorbinki, Head of the Socialist and Revolutionary Film Writers, Directors and Actors (Political, Social, Family and Adult Sections) Trade and Labor Union Federation Congress.

Not pictured: Boris Spitzkov, First Chairman of the Revolutionary Lawyers and Academicians Guild.

UPDATE: Boris Spitzkov did not attend the meeting due to a prior bullet hole in the head.

UPDATE: The Revolutionary Lawyers and Academicians Guild has been dissolved and merged with the Armed Forces and Bakery Workers Federation.

President and Deputy President Found!

Revodna, 5 p.m. — Six weeks following the terrorist attack against the Presidential estate lodge on Lake Koskovia, the Minister of the Interior has announced the press that both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik have been found alive!

Both were discovered after tons of rubble were removed from the entrance to the underground “safe room” in which both had hidden.

Both were injured. President Vladik’s left arm and left leg were broken in the initial attack; Deputy President Kulik then carried the President to the safe room. During that maneuver, Kulik was badly burned on his right thigh.

Both were taken immediately upon their rescue to the PFDRK Revolutionary Triumph Special Party Hospital No. 7 outside of Revodna. Doctors are unsure at this moment when Vladik and Kulik will be able to return to duty. The doctor attending President Vladik, appointed as Head of Administration of Hospital No. 7 only yesterday, has suggested that both men face a long and difficult recovery, not only because of their injuries but because of malnutrition and dehydration.

Upon hearing the news, Acting President/Chairman/Speaker Tetrikov went immediately to their bedsides and promised to carry on in their name as long as was necessary. She urged both men not to rush their recovery.

Vice Chairman Kulik Elected 1st Deputy President of the Republic

A full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President of the PFDRK.

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Following the disappearance accidental suicide death of First Deputy President of the PFDRK Magda Yuskinko last evening, a full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President. His election to the post followed on the advice of President and Chairman Vladik, still recovering from a colonoscopy at his vacation home on Lake Koskovia.

Vice-Chairman Kulik last night visited President Vladik (after a brief visit with First Deputy President Yuskinko, shortly before she died. This visit, of course, had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER SUDDEN DEATH AND/OR DISAPPEARANCE). When word of the death of Yuskinko reached the President and Vice-Chairman, they agreed that the Vice-Chairman would take her place, while continuing in his role as Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNUSAL GOING ON.

Following their private meeting, President Vladik handed Vice-Chairman Kulik a message to deliver to the CPD this afternoon, recommending his election. Following a brief debate in the Congress, during which the deputies debated just how wonderful Kulik is, a roll-call vote was taken and the deputies duly elected Kulik as the new First Deputy President. Kulik thanked the deputies profusely, and then fired the entire cabinet and cancelled the video uplink to President Vladik’s home which had earlier been arranged to hear from the President after Kulik’s completely legitimate election.

Apparently President Vladik is suffering from laryngitis.

Revolutionary Tradition of Mass Culture and Art Carried Forward

Revodna, 5 p.m. — Employees and art circle members of the Hungnam Fertilizer Complex gave art performances at the People’s Palace of Culture a few days ago, winning accolade of the audience.

Enjoying the performance, the spectators keenly felt once again that the tradition of revolutionary mass culture and art created in the period of the anti-Capitalist revolutionary struggle is being carried forward in the current era.

President Mladik Vladik who set out on the road of revolution in his early years expounded in a unique way the mission and task of revolutionary literature and art suitable for the demand of the new times and wisely led the work for their realization, thus giving the origin to the mass culture and art.

In the initial stage of the anti-Capitalist revolutionary struggle he created such immortal classical works as “A Vladik Gun Shoots An Enemy”, “A mountain Shrine”, “The Flower Girl” and performed them among people.

The masterpieces not only implanted the anti-Capitalist patriotism and consciousness of national independence in the minds of people but also constituted a motive power of forcefully rousing them to the anti-Japanese struggle.

During the armed struggle against western Capitalist imperialism, he created revolutionary dramas including “The Sea of Blood” and revolutionary songs such as “Koskovian People’s Revolutionary Army” and “The Song of the Anti-Capitalist War”, inspiring the anti-Capitalist revolutionary fighters and broad sections of people with faith in certain victory and indomitable will.

The anti-Capitalist revolutionary fighters always lived an optimistic life, dancing and singing the revolutionary songs including “Song of Revolution”, “The Guerrilla March”, “Song of People’s Power” and “Song of General Mobilization” even in immeasurably difficult ordeals. They also wrote revolutionary dramas and novels to enrich the mass culture and art.

In the hard-fought battles of the Fatherland Liberation War, servicepersons of the Koskovian People’s Army, who inherited the traditions of the anti-Capitalist war, made front-line musical instruments and danced and sang songs full of conviction in the victory and optimism to strike the enemy with terror.

In the periods of the postwar rehabilitation and construction and the socialist construction, too, the Koskovian people built the gigantic creations for the development and prosperity of the country in different parts of the country, singing the revolutionary songs.

Today officers’ families of the KPA and workers in Hungnam have created a model of the mass culture and art in the present era to dynamically call the people all over the country to the construction of a great, prosperous and powerful nation.

This shows that the tradition of the revolutionary mass culture and art established during the anti-Japanese revolutionary struggle is being carried forward with credit in the PFDRK.*

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An actual, honest-to-god, press release from the best news source in the world, The North Korean News Service.

Vice-Chairman Praises President Vladik

Vice-Chairman Kulik praises President Vladik at a meeting of the Central Committee for the Study of the History of the Communist Party of Koskovia and of the Glorious Revolution Which Toppled the Fascist Monarchy (CCSHCPKGRWTFM).

Revodna, 5 p.m. — At today’s meeting of the CCSHCPKGRWTFM in the Palace of the People, Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik lavished praise on the achievements of President and Chairman Vladik, who is recovering from his recent surgery. The Vice-Chairman told the assembled historians*:

The leader’s history of revolutionary leadership is a glorious history in which he set an example of the times in carrying forward the revolutionary cause of the Communist Party of Koskovia and creating socialist politics in the era of independence and an immortal history in which he laid an eternal foundation that made it possible for the PFDRK and the Koskovian revolution to always emerge victorious and prosper.

Mladik Vladik started his revolutionary leadership during the Second World War. This marked a historic event of epochal significance in developing the revolutionary armed forces and carrying out the revolutionary cause in the PFDRK. This ushered in an era of successfully carrying forward the revolutionary cause that started in Koskovia under the banner of Socialist liberty and freedom.

It is under the dynamic leadership of Mladik Vladik that the PFDRK is demonstrating its might as a political and ideological power and an invincible military power which no one dares to provoke or attack and President Vladik’s nation enjoys the highest dignity and position.

President and Chairman Vladik has given steady continuity to the tradition of the Koskovian revolution which has advanced with arms and followed the Communist political mode, an effective socialist political mode in our times, and brought about a great surge in building a rich and powerful country. This is the greatest feats performed by him in his leadership.

His leadership exploits serve as an encyclopedic treasure of revolution as they help perfectly solve all the problems arising in carrying out the socialist cause and achieving the prosperity of the nation.

This fully represents the great socialist idea, comprehensively deals with the line, strategy and tactics and an example of the times to be held fast to in the anti-imperialist confrontation and the building of a rich and powerful country and includes the firm revolutionary spirit and noble experience of struggle.

He has performed these leadership feats by achieving the most brilliant victory in the hardest struggle. Herein lies the tremendous vitality of the above-said exploits.

The leadership exploits of the Party serve as a life line making it possible to always advance the Koskovian revolution along the road of independence without an inch of deflection, a cornerstone whereby to consolidate the single-minded unity of the Koskovian revolutionary ranks in every way and a weapon for creation and change as it ushered in an era of eternal prosperity of Mladik Vladik’s Koskovia.

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[*editor's note: this text is taken almost entirely verbatim from the North Korean News Service!]

A Triumph of Socialist Computer Engineering!

Behold! The Fatherland’s Greatest Invention, the Novistar Personal Computer!

Revodna, 4:45 p.m. — The Minister of Socialist Engineering, Planning, Pre-Production, and Development announced this afternoon the creation of the Fatherland’s latest and greatest invention.

Introducing the Novistar Personal Home Computer!

After years of planning and development, the Ministry is proud to announce the releast of the finest personal computer machine in all the world! With 640k of memory, a hardy input keyboard, a highly readable green screen, and a comfortable seat for any operator, the Novistar will be a wonderful addition to any home.* Plus, it is automatically hooked into the Central Koskovian Information Network (CKIN) via the so-called “inter-web,” so that any comrade (after approximately 5,000 hours of training) can file his taxes, keep a personal schedule or diary (that is conviently shared with the State Security Service), and connect to the Koskovian Central Bank to check account balances!†

Planning for the Novistar Personal Computer began in earnest in 1963, and takes advantage of the most advanced hardware and software of the 1970s. It comes pre-installed with Microsoft Windows® XP (Koskovian Edition), Microsoft Internet Explorer®, Lotus 1-2-3 accounting software, and all the spyware and malware one could ever need!**

Oh, and the large thing on top that looks like a video camera — and may sound just like one that is recording — is really a very sensitive peice of advanced equipment that should not be touched by anyone at any time. Skilled technicians will come by your home every week — free of charge! — to service this very special equipment THAT IN NO WAY RECORDS ANYTHING.††

The Novistar Personal Computer will go on sale in all state department stores on January 31 of this year. The cost will be €275,750.

The Novistar Design Group is already hard at work in developing the next generation of socialist super-computer for personal use. Expected release date is January 31, 2078.
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Notes:
*The Novistar is actually too big to fit in most Koskovian homes. The Ministry suggests that those interested in purchasing a unit contact the State Home Construction Service and make an arrangement to add another room to your house. It simply will not fit in an apartment. Sorry.

†If you have a balance, that is.

**It is un-Socialist propaganda to suggest that any fine Microsoft® product is in fact a rip-off of Apple® Computer’s Macintosh operating system. Comrade Bill Gates assures the Ministry of Information that this allegation IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE, AND ALL EVIDENCE OR INFORMATION TO THE CONTRARY IS A COMPLETE FABRICATION BY THE FASCO-CAPITALIST PIG STEVE JOBS. We of course have no reason to doubt the veracity of Comrade Gates’ word.

††The very idea that the State Security Service would install any sort of recording device in the home of a loyal comrade is, of course, absurd. No matter what you’ve heard. Or found.