War With Dictarabistan Ends!

Revodna, 4 p.m. — The Minister of Defense announced this afternoon the successful conclusion of the war against Dictarabistan! Following a large battle outside of the capital of Dictarabistan, Koskovian forces pulled back and met with the Supreme Commander of the Dictarabistan Armed Forces. After successful negotiations, characterized by friendly exchanges, it was agreed to end the war.

In a gesture of fraternal love and forgiveness, the PFDRK has agreed to help Dictarabistan recover by paying a sum of €500 million and withdrawing from Dictarabistan territory within 48 hours.

Acting President Tetrikov proclaimed today, 6 May, as “Victory Over Dictarabistan Celebration Day.” Thus all workers are to be released from work fifteen minutes early to join organized spontaneous celebrations.

UPDATE: There never was a war with Dictarabistan. Suggestions otherwise are un-socialist propaganda by the imperio-capitalist nations. All workers are expected to stay at work for their full shifts.

Congratulations Sent to Putin

Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin casts his ballot in the completely free, fair, open and honest Russian parliamentary elections over the weekend.  Any suggestion that President Putin presided over rigged elections, or hopes to become a dictator, are completely false and scurrilous.  No matter what the evidence might suggest!

Revodna, 12:30 p.m. — Today First Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik dispatched the following telegram to Russian President Vladimir Putin, congratulating him his electoral victory over the weekend.

Vice-Chairman Praises Pakistani Leader

Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf, a true friend to liberty, freedom, and Koskovia!

Revodna, 7 p.m. — Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik today offered his praise for the Paragon of Virtue, Friend to Democracy, and Great Liberator of His People President General Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan!This past weekend, the President General suspended the Constitution of Pakistan in an effort to combat the terrorist judges of the Pakistani Supreme Court.

The President General assured the Vice-Chairman that under no circumstances did he take this action to forestall the impending nullification of the recent presidential election, as alleged in the decadent and racist western press. Naturally, the Vice-Chairman took the President General at his word.Indeed, there are lessons to be learned from the actions of the President General.

The Vice-Chairman reiterated the need to keep strict control over “activist judges” in Koskovia, who occasionally attempt to enforce the law in contradiction to the wishes of the government! Such a situation is, of course, absurd and must be guarded against at all times. We Koskovians, true friends to Pakistan, thank the Pakistani leader for such a lesson!

Pakistani police restore law and order to an illegal meeting of terrorist judges (at the Pakistani Supreme Court Building).

Putin Sends Congratulations

Russian Federation President and paragon of virtue Vladimir Putin sent his congratulations to Vice-Chairman Kulik this afternoon.

Revodna, 1 p.m. — Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin today extended his warmest greetings and congratulations to Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik this afternoon. Putin, a true friend to all the democratic and free peoples of the earth, especially all Koskovians, praised Vice-Chairman Kulik’s efforts to renew the government of Koskovia and prosecute the war against our common foe, Dictarabistan!

The telegram reads as follows:

PFDRK’s Birthday Celebrated Around the World

All around the globe, the free and progressive people celebrated the founding of the PFDRK!

Revodna, 1 p.m. — Lectures, round-table talks, book and photo exhibitions and film shows were held in Mongolia, Guinea and Italy from June 4 to 8 on the occasion of the 58th anniversary of the PFDRK.

On display in the venues of the functions were famous works of President and Chairman Mladik Vladik and Vice-Chairman Kulik, photos showing their immortal feats and books and photos introducing the Koskovian people’s successes in socialist construction.

The participants of the film shows watched Korean films “In order to Hold the Fatherly Leader in Higher Esteem” and “Military Parade and Mass Demonstration Marking the 50th Birthday of the PFDRK”.

A teacher at Literary College of Mongolia who is member of the leadership council of the Mongolian Mt. Vladik Association for Independent Development said in his lecture that the PFDRK founded by the President has grown strong to be a socialist power under the leadership of Vice-Chairman Kulik.

Malik Souma, director general of the Mladik Vladik Institute of Agricultural Science in Guinea, stressed in his lecture that thanks to the revolutionary politics the Koskovian people have a rosier future and the cause of global independence will make more dynamic progress.

Miriam Pellegrini Ferri, chairman of the Italian Committee for the Study of Revolutionary Idea for Independence and Sovereignty in Koskovia, said after watching the Koskovian film that no force on earth can match the single-mindedly united Koskovian people as they hold the two great leaders in high esteem.

A message of greetings to Vice-Chairman Kulik was adopted at the lecture in Mongolia.*

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*Yes, another great entry from the North Korean News Service!

Dear Leader Praises Leadership of Vice-Chairman

North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il Praises Koskovia

Revodna, 7 a.m. — North Korean Dear Leader and stalwart Koskovian ally Kim Jong-Il send his congratulations to Vice-Chairman Kulik this morning. The Dear Leader, Friend to All Children, Chosen One, and Defier of the Capitalist Cabals praised the staunch and stalward leadership of Vice-Chairman Kulik while President and Chairman Vladik continues to recover from his recent surgery.

“The Revolutionary State of Korea and its Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, Chairman of the National Defense Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Supreme Commander of the North Korean People’s Army, and General Secretary of the Korean Workers’ Party, sends his hearty congratulations to Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of People’s Deputies of the People’s Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia!

The great people of the DPRK send a million good wishes to the good people of Koskovia in their valiant and completely legitimate and legal struggle against the fascist regime in Dictarabistan! While the DPRK has been supplying Dictarabistan with weapons for many years, since the start of the war, the factories of the DPRK have been certain to send mostly defective equipment! (We tried to get out of the contract with the government of Dictarabistan, but could find no legal way to do so. Sorry.)” 

Vice-Chairman Kulik — who recently moved into the main office suite used by President and Chairman Vladik in the Palace of the People in order to facilitate the smooth and efficient functioning of government in the President’s absence — issued a heart-felt thank you to the Dear Leader and people of the DPRK for their warm words and unending support.

Kulik, meeting with the reporter from StateTV1, StateRadio1, and The Daily Truth in his new office, then turned to the subject of the war with Dictarabistan. He explained that the war was proceeding very well. Not a single Koskovian solider has been lost (despite reports to the contrary from the former chairman* of the Central Committee of the War Graves Commission), and over 17 million enemy combatants have been killed! Kulik predicted that the remaining resistance within Dictarabistan will collapse within a few months, and Koskovia will once again have secured its vital supply of cubic zirconia!

All Hail Vice-Chairman Kulik’s leadership in these times of great struggle! Oh, and let’s all be thankful for President and Chairman Vladik and hope for a quick recovery.

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*Milos Yanuga, the former chairman on the CCWGC, died of an apparent heart-attack shortly after giving an unauthorized interview with StateTV1 last Monday. Unfortunately, at exactly the same moment, his wife and four children, aged from 3 to 9, all died of heart-attacks as well. The explosion due to a gas leak thus had nothing to with their deaths, according to the chairman of the Central Committee of Autopsy Reports.

War Udate

Vice Chairman Kulik and his wife Magda leaving the Palace of the People this morning.

Revodna, 9 a.m. — Vice Chairman Kulik addressed the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies earlier today, and offered an upbeat assessment of the war against Dictarabistan.

“Victory is within sight,” he proclaimed to the cheering deputies. “But let us not fail in our determination to crush the enemy and secure our supply of cubic zirconia, although the price may be high!”

Citing reports from the commanders in the field, the Vice Chairman denied that more soldiers are needed at the front, or that the Koskovian troops need better equipment, or even that they are suffering any sort of discomfort in the arid environment. “Our soliders have everything which their commanders have requested, and are thus the best armed soldiers in the world!”

It is not true, he told the deputies, that a lack of armoured vehicles have lead to the deaths of thousands of Koskovian soldiers, or that the state-run Food Supply Service has consistently delivered spoiled or rotten food to the front. He further denied Western press reports that the state Hall-Burt-On Construction Consortium (of which he once served as managing director-general) has embezzelled hundreds of millions of euros from the war effort. “Impossible!” Kulik proclaimed to yet another round of applause.

“This war is by the far the best managed armed conflict in the history of mankind! There are no problems, and our path to victory is laid out smoothly before us — even if that path takes us into the capital of Fanatistan!”

He concluded his address by reading a telegram from President and Chairman Vladik, who is enjoying his well-deserved 30th week on vacation at this dacha in the province of Texarkia: “Vice Chairman Kulik remains in close contact with myself and our commanders in the field, stop. Has all relevent data about war effort, stop. His conclusions are valid, and he has my complete confidence, stop. Or so he’s told me, stop. P.S. Can someone please send me a newspapers once in a while, stop? I miss doing the jumble, stop.”

His words were greeted with thunderous applause.

Vice Chairman: War is Going Great!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Vice-Chairman Kulik, in an address before the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies this afternoon, gave an upbeat assessment of the war between Koskovia and Dictarabistan.

“Our soldiers are performing spectularly well under very difficult circumstances,” he told the deputies. “The strategies laid down by President and Chairman Vladik have resulted in victory after victory over the forces of evil in Dictarabistan, who have sought to cut off our vital supply of cubic zirconia, the cornerstone of the Koskovian economy.”

When asked by Deputy Yuri Grinkovovich (CPK-Polskaville) about the miniscule but vocal anti-war movement, Kulik dismissed their charges that the war is in fact going very badly, Kulik characterized the charges as: “Absolute lies spread by treasonous counter-revolutionaries. They are nothing but defeat-o-crats!” When pressed to rebutt their charges specifically, Kulik expanded upon this theme:

“It is not true that two whole divisions of the Great Koskovian Army have been wiped out in separate surprise attacks. It is not true that Ground Commander Marshal Ustinov committed suicide over his constant failures — he simply retired permenantly in secret, so don’t bother trying to contact him. It is not true that the Great Koskovian Air Force has failed to destroy the command and control centers in Dictarabistan; the truth of that matter, however, is classified. And as to the charge that our forces are bogged down on the border and control no more than one half-mile of Dictarabistan territory: I can only classify that as rediculous and counter-revolutionary.”

His words were greeted with the thunderous applause.

Following the address, President and Chairman Vladik thanked the Vice-Chairman — his closest advisor and oldest friend — and then decamped for his summer home on Lake Koskovia for a well-needed rest.

Oh, and the reports that President and Chairman Vladik has spent 90% of his time in office at his summer home is simply untrue. Definitely not 90%.

It is also treasonous to suggest that President and Chairman Vladik is stupid, or that Vice-Chairman Kulik is, in fact, evil.

Crowd Attacks Peaceful Police!

 

Revodna, 5 p.m. —  At a peaceful gathering of the Capital Police Force this afternoon, a small crowd of counter-revolutionaries chanting anti-war slogans attacked!  They shouted the most vile lies at the brave policemen, such as “Dictarabistan did not attack Koskovia!”, “The War is Illegitimate!”, “The Government Lied To Get Us Into War!”, “The War Only Benefits the Cubic Zirconia Companies!”, “No Blood for Cubic Zirconia!”, and other such untruths!

The police tried to calm the crowd, but had no choice but to respond when the crowd attacked with bricks, stones, and clubs.

The riot ended quickly, however.  All participants were arrested for Disturbance of the Public Peace.

Don’t expect them to be home any time soon.

WAR!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik, following the vote to authorize war against Dictarabistan.

 

President and Chairman Vladik addresses the nation about the state of war.

Revodna, 8 p.m. — In a nationally-televised addressed this evening, President and Chairman Vladik announced that a state of war now existed between the PFDRK and Dictarabistan!

Vice-Chairman of the ECCCCPD Josef Kulik has pushed for the declaration for several days now, and President and Chairman Vladik accepted the wisdom of his argument. The Vice-Chairman then orchestrated the passage of a formal Declaration of War by the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, which passed 299-1. The lone hold out, Peoples’ Deputy Ungar Yavlik of Scoria Constituency, argued agains the measure He then died suddenly following the vote after accidentially cutting his head off in the men’s room. Another vote was then taken, which was unanimous!

Vice-Chairman Kulik then immediately introduced legislation to further the war effort. The CPD passed the “Uniting and Strengthening Koskovia by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Dictarabistan Act of 2007*,” known as the “Koskovian Patriot Act” by 299-0 (remember, on Deputy had died earlier) which granted new powers to the Executive Council and the State Security Service to ensure the protection of all citizens of Koskovia during this time of crisis. These provisions include:

• Expanded use of electronic surveillance
• Expanded options for physical searches of persons
• Greater access to the personal records of any citizen suspected of aiding the enemy or of not supporting the war
• Authorizing the use of extra-constitutional Military Tribunals to try and convict enemy agents
• Imprisonment of enemy combatants in bases on foreign soil

Clearly the Koskovian Patriot Act will aid in the prosecution of the war to destroy the vile agents of Dictarabistan!

President and Chairman Vladik and Vice-Chairman Kulik jointly authorized the Koskovian Air Force to begin bombing raids at 6 p.m. today. Koskovian troops will move into Dictarabistan as soon as is possible.

All hail our brave leaders in their fight against the enemies of Koskovia!

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*The actual title of the USA Patriot Act is: “Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001,” if you can believe it!