Terrorist Attack on Presidential Estate!

Fires rage near the estate of President Vladik, the result of some sort of terrorist attack.

Lake Koskovia, 7 p.m. — The Ministry of Defense has informed the Ministry of Information of a sudden terrorist attack at President Vladik’s country estate on Lake Koskovia!

The extent of the damage is unclear. The Minister of Defense has speculated that the attack originated with either agents of Dictarabistan — the war continues to go great, by the way! — or counter-revolutionaries paid by the United States. The Interior Minister has suggested that it may be both, while the Foreign Minister argued that it may be some sort of accident.

As the whereabouts of President Vladik and Vice-President Kulik are currently unknown, the Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Yvonne Tetrikov, has assumed full authority under Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution. Fire and rescue teams have been dispatched to the scene.

UPDATE, 7:10 p.m. — The Foreign Minister has taken a leave of absence.

UPDATE, 7:11 p.m. — The Minister of Defense and the Minister of the Interior have both been arrested, tried, found guilty and executed for dereliction of duty.

UPDATE, 7:12 p.m.— Acting President Tetrikov has declared Martial Law.

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Yvonne Tetrikov working on her farm last summer. She is now Acting President and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

Koskovian People Celebrate Progress of War!

Citizens from across Koskovia joined in highly organized spontaneous demonstrations today in support of the war effort against Dictarabistan!

One of the new editions of the war poster campaign: “Comrades! Our Forest Camoflague Is So Good It Works Even In the Deserts of Dictarabistan Without The Need For New Patterns!”

All Hail Grand Field Marshal Mekensen And His Brilliant Plans To Defeat the Enemies of Koskovia!”

The newest statue in Victory Square: “Stomp the Children of Dictarabistan!”

Vice Chairman: War is Going Great!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Vice-Chairman Kulik, in an address before the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies this afternoon, gave an upbeat assessment of the war between Koskovia and Dictarabistan.

“Our soldiers are performing spectularly well under very difficult circumstances,” he told the deputies. “The strategies laid down by President and Chairman Vladik have resulted in victory after victory over the forces of evil in Dictarabistan, who have sought to cut off our vital supply of cubic zirconia, the cornerstone of the Koskovian economy.”

When asked by Deputy Yuri Grinkovovich (CPK-Polskaville) about the miniscule but vocal anti-war movement, Kulik dismissed their charges that the war is in fact going very badly, Kulik characterized the charges as: “Absolute lies spread by treasonous counter-revolutionaries. They are nothing but defeat-o-crats!” When pressed to rebutt their charges specifically, Kulik expanded upon this theme:

“It is not true that two whole divisions of the Great Koskovian Army have been wiped out in separate surprise attacks. It is not true that Ground Commander Marshal Ustinov committed suicide over his constant failures — he simply retired permenantly in secret, so don’t bother trying to contact him. It is not true that the Great Koskovian Air Force has failed to destroy the command and control centers in Dictarabistan; the truth of that matter, however, is classified. And as to the charge that our forces are bogged down on the border and control no more than one half-mile of Dictarabistan territory: I can only classify that as rediculous and counter-revolutionary.”

His words were greeted with the thunderous applause.

Following the address, President and Chairman Vladik thanked the Vice-Chairman — his closest advisor and oldest friend — and then decamped for his summer home on Lake Koskovia for a well-needed rest.

Oh, and the reports that President and Chairman Vladik has spent 90% of his time in office at his summer home is simply untrue. Definitely not 90%.

It is also treasonous to suggest that President and Chairman Vladik is stupid, or that Vice-Chairman Kulik is, in fact, evil.

Crowd Attacks Peaceful Police!

 

Revodna, 5 p.m. —  At a peaceful gathering of the Capital Police Force this afternoon, a small crowd of counter-revolutionaries chanting anti-war slogans attacked!  They shouted the most vile lies at the brave policemen, such as “Dictarabistan did not attack Koskovia!”, “The War is Illegitimate!”, “The Government Lied To Get Us Into War!”, “The War Only Benefits the Cubic Zirconia Companies!”, “No Blood for Cubic Zirconia!”, and other such untruths!

The police tried to calm the crowd, but had no choice but to respond when the crowd attacked with bricks, stones, and clubs.

The riot ended quickly, however.  All participants were arrested for Disturbance of the Public Peace.

Don’t expect them to be home any time soon.

WAR!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik, following the vote to authorize war against Dictarabistan.

 

President and Chairman Vladik addresses the nation about the state of war.

Revodna, 8 p.m. — In a nationally-televised addressed this evening, President and Chairman Vladik announced that a state of war now existed between the PFDRK and Dictarabistan!

Vice-Chairman of the ECCCCPD Josef Kulik has pushed for the declaration for several days now, and President and Chairman Vladik accepted the wisdom of his argument. The Vice-Chairman then orchestrated the passage of a formal Declaration of War by the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, which passed 299-1. The lone hold out, Peoples’ Deputy Ungar Yavlik of Scoria Constituency, argued agains the measure He then died suddenly following the vote after accidentially cutting his head off in the men’s room. Another vote was then taken, which was unanimous!

Vice-Chairman Kulik then immediately introduced legislation to further the war effort. The CPD passed the “Uniting and Strengthening Koskovia by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Dictarabistan Act of 2007*,” known as the “Koskovian Patriot Act” by 299-0 (remember, on Deputy had died earlier) which granted new powers to the Executive Council and the State Security Service to ensure the protection of all citizens of Koskovia during this time of crisis. These provisions include:

• Expanded use of electronic surveillance
• Expanded options for physical searches of persons
• Greater access to the personal records of any citizen suspected of aiding the enemy or of not supporting the war
• Authorizing the use of extra-constitutional Military Tribunals to try and convict enemy agents
• Imprisonment of enemy combatants in bases on foreign soil

Clearly the Koskovian Patriot Act will aid in the prosecution of the war to destroy the vile agents of Dictarabistan!

President and Chairman Vladik and Vice-Chairman Kulik jointly authorized the Koskovian Air Force to begin bombing raids at 6 p.m. today. Koskovian troops will move into Dictarabistan as soon as is possible.

All hail our brave leaders in their fight against the enemies of Koskovia!

—
*The actual title of the USA Patriot Act is: “Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001,” if you can believe it!

Vice-Chairman Urges War Against Dictarabistan!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Josef Kulik, Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the CPD, and the closest advisor to President & Chairman Vladik, today announced the findings of a secret special commission created last December to investigate charges of the most serious nature against President Barabas al-Niki of Dictarabistan. According to the Vice-Chairman, the findings are:

• President al-Niki has used torture against his own citizens!

• The state run cubic zirconia factory DRSCUZ has consistently overcharged the government of Koskovia for that precious commodity for more than ten years!

• The government of Dictarabistan has been pursuing the development of weapons of mass destruction for use against the peaceful people of Fanatistan!

The Vice-Chairman thus urged the Congress to consider launching a pre-emptive strike against such a dangerous and unstable regime! His speech was received by the members of the Congress with long and thunderous applause.

Fasco-Capitalist Propaganda Invades Koskovia!

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Due to counter-revolutionary sabotage, the electronic jamming equipment arrayed at the borders of Koskovia to protect Koskovians from the lies concocted by the fasco-capitalist states, failed last night from 8 until 10 p.m. Therefore, a so-called “news” program originating in the Czech Republic was inadvertently broadcast on StateTV99.

This program, Current Events, contained slanderous and completely false charges against President and Chairman Vladik and the Communist Party of Koskovia. The Ministry of Information has therefore prepared a press release refuting the most obvious lies contained with in the report:

• The Communist Party of Koskovia (CPK) is NOT responsible for the deaths of more than 1 million people during the First and Second Phases of the Glorious Revolution (1949-1969) through forced labor, starvation, imprisonment and summary execution.

• There are NOT more than ten thousand “political prisoners” languishing in secret state prisons. Every single person in prison has been convicted of a crime by a legitimate, constitutional court.

• President and Chairman Vladik has NOT amassed a fortune worth more that 500 million Euros in a secret Swiss bank account by looting the state treasury. Under law, any government official who maintains a personal bank account outside of the country must keep the balance below 500 Euros. As Vladik is President of the Republic, and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, he COULD NOT violate the law in such a way.

• President and Chairman Vladik DOES NOT have an older brother Boris who defected to the U.K. in 1973 and who then “denounced in the strongest terms the abhorrent dictatorship of his brother, and subsequently pleaded with western governments to do everything possible to destabilize the government of Koskovia.” As reported in the Daily Truth at the time, Comrade Boris Vladik, his wife, and their three children all died in an airplane crash in the Swiss Alps while on their way to a clinic in Bern to treat his wife’s illness.

Chief Justice Resigns

Former Chief Justice Mikhail Spasky

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Mikhail Spasky, the Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court of the PFDRK (CJCITLSCCPFDRK), submitted his resignation to President and Chairman Vladik this afternoon. Justice Spasky cited his desire to spend more time with his family as his reason for stepping down. President and Chairman Vladik praised Spasky as “a true friend to me personally, and to the Revolution. His invaluable contributions to the completely independent and totally honest judicial system will be studied for years to come.”

UPDATE, 3:04 p.m. — Actually, he resigned due to ill health.

UPDATE, 3:06 p.m. — Well, he had a heart attack.

UPDATE, 3:07 p.m. — A heart attack after being shot.

UPDATE, 3:08 p.m. — In the head.

UPDATE, 3:14 p.m. — By the State Security Service.

UPDATE, 3:15 p.m. — Actually, he was shot for treason.

UPDATE, 3:18 p.m. — And fishing without a license.

UPDATE, 3:29 p.m. — Any reports of an individual named “Mikhail Spasky” which indicated that he was the Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court are inaccurate. According to President and Chairman Vladik, no such individual ever existed. Any claims to the contrary are counter-revolutionary and un-Socialist propaganda.

So there.

Election Fraud Uncovered!

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a stunning announcement, the Minister for Counting Votes in All Koskovian Elections announced the discovery an instance of malicious electoral fraud in last Saturday’s election!

Apparently, Igor Yushinkio of the Vladikia City Electoral Commission reported that President and Chairman Mladik Vladik had only received 103% of the vote in his constituency, but that was a lie! The President in fact received 106% of the vote!

Comrade Yushinkio has submitted himself to the State Security Service for questioning when an SSS secret agent uncovered his fraudulent report.

President and Chairman Vladik said earlier today: “I am glad that the SSS is so vigilent in uncovering fraud and corruption in our midst. We must continue to root out all counter-revolutionaries, saboteurs, and fasco-capitalist spies where ever they may be lurking. Long live the Revolution!”

UPDATE: 3:34 p.m. — Comrade Yushinkio has been found guilty of espionage, fraud, money-laundering, sexual deviance, bank robbery, auto theft, counter-revolutionary activities, murder, reading counter-revolutionary materials, desecration of an image of President and Chairman Vladik, and cruelty to fish, by the State Security Service Instant Tribunal for Criminals. A sentence of death by firing squad and beheading was handed down and carried out immediately.

Enemy of the People Krasomyr Somidar Captured!

Arch-criminal and traitor to the Socialist Fatherland, Krasomyr Somidar after his arrest today as an Class A Enemy of the People

Krasomyr Somidar, who claimed to be the Minister of Information earlier today, was arrested outside his home and charged as an Enemy of the People. He rather unfortunately committed accidental suicide while in the custody of the State Security Service. Although details are unclear at the moment, his death had something to do with light socket.

The real Minister of Information is Elena Alexandrovna Sarkatova, and always has been, and always will be.

UPDATE: Elena Alexandrovna Sarkatova, who claimed to be the Minister of Information fifty-five seconds ago, has been arrested and charged with Improper Dress By a Comradette.

The real Minister of Information is Ivan Sergeivich Turkov, and always has been, and always will be. [End of Update].