Some Leading Deputies Ask Tetrikov To Step Aside

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Certain leading members of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies have called upon Acting President/Chairman/Deputy President Yvonne Tetrikov to step down in favor of the almost-recovered Deputy President Kulik and “return to our normal constitutional system.”

Acting President/Chairman Tetrikov, however, has refused. “A significant number of Deputies have privately asked me to stay on as long as is necessary, until both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are fully recovered.”

The Congress held five votes today, but were unable to resolve the issue after furious negotiations behind the scenes. [One vote, in which 297 deputies voted in favor of Tetrikov stepping down, was invalidated by the Acting President/Speaker herself on a technicality and is thus not included in the total valid votes taken.]

The first vote had 100 deputies in favor of Tetrikov stepping aside, 100 against, and 98 abstentions.

The second vote: 140 in favor; 140 against; 18 abstentions.

The third vote: 145 in favor; 145 against; 8 abstentions.

The fourth vote: 147 in favor; 143 against; 8 abstentions (thus no majority achieved)

The fifth vote: 149 in favor; 141 against; 8 abstentions (thus no majority achieved)

Although those in favor of the Acting President stepping aside won a plurality of votes thrice, Tetrikov announced that she would not step aside unless a majority of all of the Deputies voted in favor of such a move.

“The people do not want me to step aside,” she proclaimed from the Speakers’ Chair during the lull between the fourth and fifth votes, “and I shall not until the time is right.” When asked when the time will be right, she replied: “When I decide it is. I am the Acting President, and my 35 years of government service tell me to stay where I am for now.”

Frustrated pro-stepping aside deputies have called upon the so-called “Super Deputies” to help decide the issue. Super Deputies are former members of the Congress; provincial governors; former cabinet ministers; and members of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court. It is unclear when and if these Super Deputies will weigh in, although some have privately expressed the opinion that Tetrikov should go.

Vasili Yakovlev, the Minister of Industry from 3:00 p.m. until 3:17 p.m. on December 12, 2007 — and a close ally of Deputy President Kulik — demanded that Acting President Tetrikov obey the will of the plurality of the Congress, in their capacity as representatives of the whole Koskovian people.

Tetrikov refused, but was unable to give a convincing answer as to the legitimacy of her case.

Even the cabinet is deadlocked: her close ally Georg Ulianov, Minister of ForInDef (that is, he is Foreign Minister, Interior Minister, and Defense Minister) cast his 3 votes in support of her decision. The other 3 cabinet ministers voted in favor of her stepping aside.

It is now unclear if those cabinet ministers will remain in office.

The former Minister of Trade Ruslan Rakov commented that Tetrikov “must recognize reality. She doesn’t have the numbers in her favor to win.“

This story is ongoing. Stay tuned for updates.

Congratulations Sent to Putin

Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin casts his ballot in the completely free, fair, open and honest Russian parliamentary elections over the weekend.  Any suggestion that President Putin presided over rigged elections, or hopes to become a dictator, are completely false and scurrilous.  No matter what the evidence might suggest!

Revodna, 12:30 p.m. — Today First Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik dispatched the following telegram to Russian President Vladimir Putin, congratulating him his electoral victory over the weekend.

Vice Chairman Kulik Elected 1st Deputy President of the Republic

A full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President of the PFDRK.

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Following the disappearance accidental suicide death of First Deputy President of the PFDRK Magda Yuskinko last evening, a full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President. His election to the post followed on the advice of President and Chairman Vladik, still recovering from a colonoscopy at his vacation home on Lake Koskovia.

Vice-Chairman Kulik last night visited President Vladik (after a brief visit with First Deputy President Yuskinko, shortly before she died. This visit, of course, had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER SUDDEN DEATH AND/OR DISAPPEARANCE). When word of the death of Yuskinko reached the President and Vice-Chairman, they agreed that the Vice-Chairman would take her place, while continuing in his role as Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNUSAL GOING ON.

Following their private meeting, President Vladik handed Vice-Chairman Kulik a message to deliver to the CPD this afternoon, recommending his election. Following a brief debate in the Congress, during which the deputies debated just how wonderful Kulik is, a roll-call vote was taken and the deputies duly elected Kulik as the new First Deputy President. Kulik thanked the deputies profusely, and then fired the entire cabinet and cancelled the video uplink to President Vladik’s home which had earlier been arranged to hear from the President after Kulik’s completely legitimate election.

Apparently President Vladik is suffering from laryngitis.

Election Fraud Uncovered!

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a stunning announcement, the Minister for Counting Votes in All Koskovian Elections announced the discovery an instance of malicious electoral fraud in last Saturday’s election!

Apparently, Igor Yushinkio of the Vladikia City Electoral Commission reported that President and Chairman Mladik Vladik had only received 103% of the vote in his constituency, but that was a lie! The President in fact received 106% of the vote!

Comrade Yushinkio has submitted himself to the State Security Service for questioning when an SSS secret agent uncovered his fraudulent report.

President and Chairman Vladik said earlier today: “I am glad that the SSS is so vigilent in uncovering fraud and corruption in our midst. We must continue to root out all counter-revolutionaries, saboteurs, and fasco-capitalist spies where ever they may be lurking. Long live the Revolution!”

UPDATE: 3:34 p.m. — Comrade Yushinkio has been found guilty of espionage, fraud, money-laundering, sexual deviance, bank robbery, auto theft, counter-revolutionary activities, murder, reading counter-revolutionary materials, desecration of an image of President and Chairman Vladik, and cruelty to fish, by the State Security Service Instant Tribunal for Criminals. A sentence of death by firing squad and beheading was handed down and carried out immediately.

Election Results Are In!

Revodna, 6 a.m. — The Central Electoral Committee has completed tabulating the results of yesterday’s free, fair, open and transparent election!

The Minister of Counting Votes in All Koskovian Elections announced the results early this morning to the journalist from StateTV1 and The Daily Truth.

The Communist Party scored an impressive victory, confirming the rightness of the Socialist choice made in 1949, and the support of all Koskovians! Every incumbant has been reëlected by an increased majority. President and Chairman Mladik Vladik achieved a total of 103% of the vote in his constituency, a powerful endorsement of his policies and of the 3rd Phase of the Revolution which he so skillfully leads.

The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies will meet on Tuesday, 3rd January, to choose the members of the Central Committee. The Central Committee will then elect a new Executive Council. It is expected that President and Chairman Vladik will be reëlected to his position as Chairman of the Executive Council.

99.99% of all voters participated. The names and addresses of those who did not will be posted on the State Security Service website, such as Todor Zhukov of 873 Lenin-Marx Blvd, Apartment 77, Elektrifiskia City. The Ministry of Information in no way condones violence against these lazy comrades who violated Koskovian election laws and their patriotic duty.

The State Security Service, however, does.

Comrades from across the world have offered their congratulations for the successful conclusion of Koskovia’s free, fair, open and transparent election. DPRK Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il send 5,000 signed pictures of himself, two Japanese hostages, an a mortar round. The President of the Peoples’ Republic of China sent 10,000 pirated videocassettes of the American movie “Wall Street.” The leaders of Vietnam sent three American POWs, now held in a Happy-Joy Labor Camp. Egon Krenz, the second-to-last leader of the former East Germany, sent himself.

Polls Are Now Closed

Revodna, 1:15 p.m. — The polls are now closed. The curfew imposed by the State Security Service will be reimposed in 1 minute. Hurry home!

Results of the balloting will be announced as soon as all ballots are counted, sorted, and categorized.

Long live Koskovian democracy!

The Polls Are Open

Revodna, 1:00 p.m. — The polls in Koskovia’s latest exercise in free, fair, open and transparent elections are now open. The curfew will be reimposed at 1:16 p.m. when the polls close.

Elections Tomorrow!

Revodna, 6 p.m. — The free, fair, open and transparent election for all seats in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies will take place tomorrow, Saturday, 31st December.

All citizens are reminded that the State Security Service has ordered a curfew beginning at midnight tonight, and extending until the polls open at 1 p.m. tomorrow. All citizens are ordered to comply with the curfew restrictions. Violators will have some difficulty.

The polls will be open from 1:00 until 1:15 p.m. tomorrow. The curfew will be reimposed from 1:16 p.m. until 7 a.m. Sunday morning, 1st January. Results of the balloting will be announced as soon as all votes are counted.

President and Chairman Mladik Vladik reminds all citizens of Koskovia that voting is your patriotic duty, and, of course, mandatory under the 1996 Act to Ensure that All Registered Voters in Koskovia Vote When Voting in a New Election is Needed.

Citizens are reminded to bring the following to the polling stations:

• National Identification Card
• Party membership card
• National Health System Report Card
• Proof of residency
• Birth certificate
• Automobile registration (if any)
• High school and/or university transcript
• Passport
• Tax receipts for the previous 10 years
• Proof of marriage status.

Those without all proper identification will be turned away and followed home.

Candidates Debate!

Vladikia City, 8:00 p.m. — Every candidate for a seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies appeared before a journalist and packed auditorium in their constituencies this evening for a debate on profound issues important to voters in Saturday’s election.

As every incumbent candidate for the CPD is running unopposed, they fielded questions from the journalist and audience.

President and Chairman Mladik Vladik was no exception. Showing his true nature as a man of the people, Vladik cleared some time in his very busy schedule as head of both the executive and legislative branches of government to meet his constituents in Vladikia City.

The President and Chairman, looking very fit and energentic, took questions for a quarter of an hour. He handled some very difficult and probing questions with grace and ease. No audience member managed to catch him off his guard, and he quickly displayed his mastery of all subjects concerning government and the economy.

Some questions asked were:

“Your Excellency, how can we as ordinary citizens of a Revolutionary state help you and your comrades carry out the policies that will hasten the coming of True Socialism?”

“Your Excellency, what do you see as the most significant triumph of Revolutionary Socialism in 2005?”

“Your Excellency, if you are reëlected in Saturday’s free, fair, open and transparent election, what do you see as your priorities for the short, medium, and long-terms in 2006?”

“Your Excellency, why do you love democracy and the people of Koskovia so much?”

The President and Chairman handled all the questions deftly throughout the alloted time. At the conclusion of the event, he made a brief statement of thanks and asked all citizens for their votes on Saturday:

“My dear comrades, thanks for coming tonight. Remember to fullfill your patriotic duty on Saturday and cast your vote for me!”

His remarks were greeted with thunderous applause.

Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Adjorns for Election

Revodna, 9:44pm — The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies concluded the 2005 legislative agenda this evening, in advance of Saturday’s election.

Every member of the CPD has been working tirelessly in the last several days to pass all remaining legislation proposed by President and Chairman Vladik and the Central Committee.

The most notable items were last-minute additions to the State Budget for 2006, proposed by President and Chairman Vladik and approved by the Central Budget Committee last night. They include:

€500 million to pave every road in Koskovia.

€1 billion for raising the state pensions paid to retired and disabled persons.

€600 million in added spending on the State Health System.

€5 billion to provide every Koskovian a €500 subsidy.

TOTAL: €7.1 billion in spending, against €4.2 billion in receipts in fiscal 2005, for a year-ending surplus of €2.9 billion!

Note: Budget items are reported in Euros (€) because the currency translator at the Ministry of Information is not working.

These items will be funded as of 1st April 2006.

The Members of the CPD also decided that the ballots of veterans of the First Phase of the Glorious Revolution (3rd to 4th June, 1949) would count double in Saturday’s election.