Some Leading Deputies Ask Tetrikov To Step Aside

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Certain leading members of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies have called upon Acting President/Chairman/Deputy President Yvonne Tetrikov to step down in favor of the almost-recovered Deputy President Kulik and “return to our normal constitutional system.”

Acting President/Chairman Tetrikov, however, has refused. “A significant number of Deputies have privately asked me to stay on as long as is necessary, until both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are fully recovered.”

The Congress held five votes today, but were unable to resolve the issue after furious negotiations behind the scenes. [One vote, in which 297 deputies voted in favor of Tetrikov stepping down, was invalidated by the Acting President/Speaker herself on a technicality and is thus not included in the total valid votes taken.]

The first vote had 100 deputies in favor of Tetrikov stepping aside, 100 against, and 98 abstentions.

The second vote: 140 in favor; 140 against; 18 abstentions.

The third vote: 145 in favor; 145 against; 8 abstentions.

The fourth vote: 147 in favor; 143 against; 8 abstentions (thus no majority achieved)

The fifth vote: 149 in favor; 141 against; 8 abstentions (thus no majority achieved)

Although those in favor of the Acting President stepping aside won a plurality of votes thrice, Tetrikov announced that she would not step aside unless a majority of all of the Deputies voted in favor of such a move.

“The people do not want me to step aside,” she proclaimed from the Speakers’ Chair during the lull between the fourth and fifth votes, “and I shall not until the time is right.” When asked when the time will be right, she replied: “When I decide it is. I am the Acting President, and my 35 years of government service tell me to stay where I am for now.”

Frustrated pro-stepping aside deputies have called upon the so-called “Super Deputies” to help decide the issue. Super Deputies are former members of the Congress; provincial governors; former cabinet ministers; and members of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court. It is unclear when and if these Super Deputies will weigh in, although some have privately expressed the opinion that Tetrikov should go.

Vasili Yakovlev, the Minister of Industry from 3:00 p.m. until 3:17 p.m. on December 12, 2007 — and a close ally of Deputy President Kulik — demanded that Acting President Tetrikov obey the will of the plurality of the Congress, in their capacity as representatives of the whole Koskovian people.

Tetrikov refused, but was unable to give a convincing answer as to the legitimacy of her case.

Even the cabinet is deadlocked: her close ally Georg Ulianov, Minister of ForInDef (that is, he is Foreign Minister, Interior Minister, and Defense Minister) cast his 3 votes in support of her decision. The other 3 cabinet ministers voted in favor of her stepping aside.

It is now unclear if those cabinet ministers will remain in office.

The former Minister of Trade Ruslan Rakov commented that Tetrikov “must recognize reality. She doesn’t have the numbers in her favor to win.“

This story is ongoing. Stay tuned for updates.

Acting President Tetrikov Speaks

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Acting President of the Republic and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon.

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Earlier this afternoon, Acting President Yvonne Tetrikov addressed the reporter from StateTV1 and RadioKos with an update on the search for President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik:

“As you know, a terrorist attack hit the grounds of the Presidential retreat at Lake Koskovia last week. The attack damaged the entire compound and much of the surrounding area. The incendiary devices proved quite difficult to extinguish and necessitated the combined efforts of the local emergency services, the Koskovian Emergency Response and Management Service (KERMS), and the Fire Service of the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces. The fires were only contained two days ago.

“Based on reports from Major General Yuri Testikov, who is in charge of the scene, confidence is high that both the President and Deputy President survived. According to General Testikov, the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces constructed a nuclear-proof bunker beneath the lakeside estate in 1989, when the brotherhood of Socialist nations abandoned Koskovia. The difficulty now is that the bunker is buried under tons of rubble which will take time to clear.

“Therefore, under the provisions of Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskova, I have assumed the offices of Acting President of the Republic, Acting Deputy President of the Republic, and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. I will retain the position of Speaker of the CPD until further notice. Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Koskovian Joint Military Command Council, has pledge his support to my administration — no matter how temporary — and will oversee the rescue operation now underway at Lake Koskovia.

“I ask all citizens of Koskovia to hope for the survival of our President and Deputy President, and for their immediate rescue.

“As announced last week, in my capacity as Acting Chairman of the Executive Council, I dismissed both the Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Defense for incompetence. The Foreign Minister resigned of his own accord. I have replaced all three with Georg Ulianov, my former chief of staff and now a member of the CPD from the Eketerinburg region. He will retain all three positions until suitable replacements for the Defense and Foreign Ministers can be found. He should thus be referred to in the press as ‘Minister of ForInDef.’”

“Long live the Revolution! Long Live Koskovia!”

At the end of the hour-long press conference, Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov took no questions. The new Minister of ForInDef announced that the State of Martial Law would continue for the foreseeable future. He further announced that current reports from the war with Dictarabistan are “encouraging.” The Koskovian Peoples’ Air Force has destroyed much of the Dictarabistan Air Force, and bombed fifty villages. He concluding by saying, “The war against Dictarabistan is within measure distance of its end.”

Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov with long-time POLITICAL ally (and certainly not anything else) and new Minister of ForInDef Georg Ulianov.

Terrorist Attack on Presidential Estate!

Fires rage near the estate of President Vladik, the result of some sort of terrorist attack.

Lake Koskovia, 7 p.m. — The Ministry of Defense has informed the Ministry of Information of a sudden terrorist attack at President Vladik’s country estate on Lake Koskovia!

The extent of the damage is unclear. The Minister of Defense has speculated that the attack originated with either agents of Dictarabistan — the war continues to go great, by the way! — or counter-revolutionaries paid by the United States. The Interior Minister has suggested that it may be both, while the Foreign Minister argued that it may be some sort of accident.

As the whereabouts of President Vladik and Vice-President Kulik are currently unknown, the Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Yvonne Tetrikov, has assumed full authority under Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution. Fire and rescue teams have been dispatched to the scene.

UPDATE, 7:10 p.m. — The Foreign Minister has taken a leave of absence.

UPDATE, 7:11 p.m. — The Minister of Defense and the Minister of the Interior have both been arrested, tried, found guilty and executed for dereliction of duty.

UPDATE, 7:12 p.m.— Acting President Tetrikov has declared Martial Law.

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Yvonne Tetrikov working on her farm last summer. She is now Acting President and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

President Signals Return

Deputy President Kulik as he departed for President Vladik’s country estate this afternoon.

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a letter to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik has signaled that he will return to the capital on Monday, 21st January 2008, in order to resume his duties as President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Josef Kulik read the letter to the Executive Council this afternoon. The communication indicated, in part, that the President “looks forward to once again taking up my official duties following this period of rest and recuperation. I wish to thank Deputy President Kulik for guiding the nation with a steady hand during this difficult period.

“Upon my return, I will review the recent constitutional and legal changes approved by the Executive Council. While I remain certain that these changes are perfectly in line with the Constitution of the PFDRK and our legal tradition, I believe such a review is important to the citizens of Koskovia. These changes include: the elimination of the positions of Second and Third Deputy Presidents; the re-allocation of certain duties to the Deputy President; and the dismissal of certain military, judicial, and ministerial leaders.”

The Executive Committee greeted the news with thunderous applause, led by the Deputy President.

Deputy President Kulik then gaveled the council meeting to a close with the announcement that he would be visiting President Vladik this weekend, at the President’s country estate at Lake Koskovia.

Needed Changes to Law Enacted

Revodna, 8 p.m. — At a full meeting of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies late this afternoon, Vice-Chairman and First Deputy President Josef Kulik proposed certain changes to Koskovian Acts and Statutes. The Executive Committee approved the proposals and have sent them on to the Congress for switch enactment.

The acts and statutes affected are:

• The Act of Executive Succession (1989), Section 139(A), Paragraph 87(F), Line 16, Word “may” to “must.”
• The Statute of Authority of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies (1978), Section 55(C), Paragraph 2(A), Line 54, phrase “…authority will devolve…” to “…authority will not devolve…”
• The Act Concerning the Proper Procedure for the Calling of a Full Session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies to Convene as a Constitutional Convention (1982), Section 33(G), Paragraph 44(E), Line 889, phrase “…by sole authority of the President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia…” to “by the joint authority of the President and First Deputy President of Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia…”
• The Act Concerning the Proper Role in Government of the First, Second, Third and Fourth Deputy Presidents (1992) is repealed, replaced with The Act Abolishing the Positions of Second, Third and Fourth Deputy Presidents (2007).
• The introduction of the “Act to Relieve the Pressures of Daily Government on the President of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia and/or Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of Congress of the Peoples’ Deputies of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia” (2007).

According to Vice-Chairman and Deputy President Kulik, all thee suggested acts and revisions have the full approval of President and Chairman Mladik Vladik, still recovering from his recent colonoscopy at his summer home at Lake Koskovia.

UPDATE (8:17 p.m.): The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies has voted 298-2 to enact all of the suggested revisions.

UPDATE (8:19 p.m.): The Congress of People’s Deputies now has 298 members.

Vice Chairman Kulik Elected 1st Deputy President of the Republic

A full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President of the PFDRK.

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Following the disappearance accidental suicide death of First Deputy President of the PFDRK Magda Yuskinko last evening, a full session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies today elected Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council Josef Kulik to the additional post of First Deputy President. His election to the post followed on the advice of President and Chairman Vladik, still recovering from a colonoscopy at his vacation home on Lake Koskovia.

Vice-Chairman Kulik last night visited President Vladik (after a brief visit with First Deputy President Yuskinko, shortly before she died. This visit, of course, had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER SUDDEN DEATH AND/OR DISAPPEARANCE). When word of the death of Yuskinko reached the President and Vice-Chairman, they agreed that the Vice-Chairman would take her place, while continuing in his role as Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNUSAL GOING ON.

Following their private meeting, President Vladik handed Vice-Chairman Kulik a message to deliver to the CPD this afternoon, recommending his election. Following a brief debate in the Congress, during which the deputies debated just how wonderful Kulik is, a roll-call vote was taken and the deputies duly elected Kulik as the new First Deputy President. Kulik thanked the deputies profusely, and then fired the entire cabinet and cancelled the video uplink to President Vladik’s home which had earlier been arranged to hear from the President after Kulik’s completely legitimate election.

Apparently President Vladik is suffering from laryngitis.

Vice Chairman Denies False Accusations

Vice Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 1 p.m. — At a press conference this afternoon, Vice Chairman Kulik denied that he had ever said the war with Dictarabistan would be a simple victory. The charge arose when a radical (and obviously mentally ill) peoples’ deputy lambasted Kulik for “decieving the people of Koskovia about the conduct of the war” at yesterday’s CPD meeting.*

“No, no, no!” Kulik told the assembled reporters as he shook his head in frustration. “War is always long and brutal. Never did I suggest otherwise. Never!”

When asked by the reporter from StateTV 1 on his assesment of the possible length of the war, he replied: “Long. We in the Central Committee have begun to refer to this as ‘The Long War.’ It needs total commitment from the people of Koskovia as well as their government. I deny that I ever suggested otherwise.”

To prove his point, Kulik played video excerpts from his speech of 1st July, at which he explained to the CPD that the war would last for a very long time, and require much sacrifice.

At the end of the conference, the assembled reporters applauded the Vice Chairman’s truthfulness.

[*Note: That deputy has since resigned and checked into the hospital with symptoms of high blood pressure, nausea, and a missing head. He is expected to recover.]

Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Adjorns for Election

Revodna, 9:44pm — The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies concluded the 2005 legislative agenda this evening, in advance of Saturday’s election.

Every member of the CPD has been working tirelessly in the last several days to pass all remaining legislation proposed by President and Chairman Vladik and the Central Committee.

The most notable items were last-minute additions to the State Budget for 2006, proposed by President and Chairman Vladik and approved by the Central Budget Committee last night. They include:

€500 million to pave every road in Koskovia.

€1 billion for raising the state pensions paid to retired and disabled persons.

€600 million in added spending on the State Health System.

€5 billion to provide every Koskovian a €500 subsidy.

TOTAL: €7.1 billion in spending, against €4.2 billion in receipts in fiscal 2005, for a year-ending surplus of €2.9 billion!

Note: Budget items are reported in Euros (€) because the currency translator at the Ministry of Information is not working.

These items will be funded as of 1st April 2006.

The Members of the CPD also decided that the ballots of veterans of the First Phase of the Glorious Revolution (3rd to 4th June, 1949) would count double in Saturday’s election.

Chairman Vladik Will Stand for Reëlection!

President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the
Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Mladik Vladik.

Revodna, 9 AM — Ending literally minutes of intense speculation, Executive Council of the Central Committee Chairman Mladik Vladik announced this morning that he will stand for reëlection on 31st December for his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. Although he had spoken recently to a few close allies of retirement from the day-to-day burdens of national leadership, he was pursuaded by his comrades to stand once again, in the interests of national unity, national continuity, and all of the citizens of Koskovia.

Many ordinary citizens of the capital city greeted the announcement with outbursts of joy. One completely ordinary citizen— Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Central Defense Committee (pictured left) — expressed his delight at Chairman Vladik’s decision. “I am delighted that the Chairman has chosen to retain his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, and I hope he will continue to lead the people of Koskovia along the path to True Socialism in his completely ordinary and normal dual role as Head of State and Head of Government.”

Vladik will not have to seek reëlection as President of the Republic until 2035, as per the Act Creating the Post of President of Republic as Head of State To Ease the Burdens of Office of the Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies [1995] which — in the interests of fostering political stability — set the term of office for the presidency at 40 years, with a limit of 3 terms per person elected to the office. Vladik, the first man to hold the office of President of the Republic, was elected to the position on 31st December 1995, with 99.9% of the vote. He was reëlected to his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies in that same election with 100% of the vote in his local constituency, the City of Vladikia.

The Ministry of Information reminds anyone interested in challenging an incumbent for a seat in the CPD that they must have filed a petititon with the signatures of at least five-hundred sixty-three thousand, nine-hundred and eighty one registered voters by April 1, 2005, in order to qualify. Only one person did this — Feodor Federov from Vladikia City — but he died unexpectedly this morning after accidentally strangling himself (and his wife and two children) while putting on a scarf.

Therefore, all incumbents will run un-opposed, as per usual in all the nations that make up the Great Socialist Brotherhood of Planet Earth — China, Cuba, Vietnam, North Korea, and Koskovia.

Party Announces Electoral Slate for Upcoming Election!

Some of the Communist Party of Koskovia candidates for the
Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, earlier today

Revodna, 11:30am — After a brief meeting that stressed national unity and a continuation on the path to True Socialism, the Communist Party of Koskovia today announced its slate of candidates for seats in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, the highest state organ of the Koskovian people, in the upcoming election.

Party spokeswoman Alexandra Timoshenko stressed the “youthful vigor” of all of the candidates, who will present to the people a “fresh vision for the way ahead to the achievement of the goals set forth by Presdident & Central Committee Chairman Mladik Vladik.”

Deputy Chairman of the Central Committee Igor Ivanov ( front row, 3rd from left) expressed his “surprise and elation” at being chosen to contest his 20th election for the Party, and said that he looks forward to “running ahead with all deliberate speed to the sunny uplands of Socialism.”

The Party has shown its ability to renew itself with fresh visions, fresh faces, and fresh ideas time and again, and this slate of candidates is no different. It balances age, experience and vigor like never before. The youngest candidate, 62 year-old Mikhail Gorevitch (middle row, left), told journalists, “I am very happy to have been chosen by the Party to stand for re-election. As the youngest member of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, I look forward to bringing a fresh perspective to the tasks that we must undertake to further the Revolution and solidify the victory of Socialism over the evils of bourgeois fasco-capitalism that saps the strength of oppressed peoples everywhere. I would like to extend the liberty and freedom of the Koskovian people even further in the coming Congressional term.”

Gorevitch, chairman of the Central Committee for Immigration and Emigration, was told of his selection shortly after his committee’s vote to redefine the limits of emigration, “to protect,” he explained, “national unity and all citizens of Koskovia.” His committee also reported that the number of immigration requests for 2002 was 11, mostly from the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of [North] Korea. All were denied. The number of requests for emigration visas remains classified, although none were granted.

CURRENT SEATS IN CONGRESS BY PARTY
As of the last election on 31st December 1995†

• Communist Party of Koskovia (CPK)———————-290
• Socialist Unity Party (SUP)———————————–1
• Party of Socialist Unity (PSU)——————————–1
• Alliance of Socialist Labor/Farmer (ASLF)—————-1
• Socialist Labor (SL)——————————————-1
• Socialist Farmer (SF)—————————————–1
• Koskovian Peace, Freedom and Liberty Party (KPFLP)–1
• Party for Peace and Liberty in Koskovia (PPLK)———-1
• Vacant———————————————————-3*
• TOTAL——————————————————300

NOTES:
† On June 1, 1996, the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies passed the Act to Reduce Electoral Confusion in the Interest of the Voters of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia, which reduced the number of legal political parties from 45 to 8.

* Three seats are currently vacant due to the accidental suicide of the former Minister of Information, Boris Pugonov; the accidental suicide of Class A Enemy of the People Krasomyr Somidar; and the resignation of Piotr Kamanev, former member of the Central Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics, due to radiation poisoning.

Polling stations will be open from 1:00 – 1:15pm on Saturday, 31st December 2005. All voters are reminded to bring their National Identification Cards, their Party membership cards, their National Health System Report Cards, their Address Cards, their birth certificates, their automobile registration (if any), proof of residency, high school and/or university transcripts, passports, tax receipts for the previous 10 years, and proof of marriage status. Those without all proper identification will be turned away and followed home.

The borders of Koskovia will be sealed even tighter than normal from 30th December until 1st January, to ensure that no agents of the fasco-capitalist nations intefer with the free, fair, open and transparent election. All inter-provincial travel will be restricted, major highways closed, and country roads blockaded. The Daily Truth will not publish those days, and Koskovian State TV1 and Radio1 will not broadcast.

The State Security Service will impose a curfew from midnight Friday until 12:55pm Saturday. The curfew will come into force again when the polls close at 1:15pm on Saturday, and last until 7 am Sunday morning. All international telephone lines will be cut. Revodna International Socialist Airport will be closed, and Koskovian Socialist Airline will be grounded. Dogs and cats must be kept inside. Goats must be tethered at all times. The trains won’t go anywhere.

You get the idea.