2009 March « The Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia

NATIONAL PROFILE

• The Peoples' Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia is a small nation nestled deep in some snowy mountains somewhere.

• When the other European members of the great Communist brotherhood abandoned communism in 1989, Koskovia alone stood strong under the direction of the Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies, Mladik Vladik.

• In 1995, the Koskovian people voted 99.9% to award Chairman Vladik the additional title of President of the Republic in a free, fair, open, honest, and transparent election, overseen by observers from North Korea, China, Cuba, and Vietnam. The .1% who voted against the measure were resettled in North Korea, China, Cuba and Vietnam, and we presume they are happy and prosperous. But we haven't heard back. Not even a postcard.

•In 2007, the Congress of Peoples' Deputies elevated Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the office of Deputy President by a vote of 298-2.

• The capital of Koskovia, Revodna, does not appear on any maps for security reasons.

• The national currency, the Lik, is currently pegged to the Euro at 1:1,948,390,875. The smallest currency unit of the Lik (Lk) is 1,000,000,000. The Central Bank beleives that the more zeros a currency has, the more important it is.

• The current flag (pictured above) was adopted by the Congress of Peoples' Deputies on January 2, 1995. The main change was the addition of the sun emblem, and the removal of the hammer and sickle. It occured to the Deputies that no one in Koskovia used either a hammer or a sickle, but every citizen enjoyed the sun. Except the vampires.

• Weather conditions in Koskovia are hard to predict, but there are typically 5 days of bright sunshine, and 355 days of snow and/or sleet in a given year.

• As per Directive 78-B-94 of the Central Calendar Committee, the PFDRK does not recognize January 8, April 22, June 17, September 1, or November 9. The existence of these days is considered bourgeois fasco-capitalist propaganda.

POLITICAL LEADERSHIP

EXECUTIVE:

President of the Republic: Mladik Vladik

Deputy President of the Republic: Josef Kulik

LEGISLATIVE:

Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies: Mladik Vladik

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies: Josef Kulik

JUDICIAL:

Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court: Vacant (interim Chief Justice: Mladik Vladik)

ARMED FORCES:

Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov

Vice-Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Supreme Generalisimo Mladik Vladik

Deputy Vice-Chairman of the Joint Military Command Council: Generalisimo Josef Kulik

Delightful Scene Unfolds Outside of Ministry of Health

13 March 2009 — Minister of Information

Actors portraying excess mucus stop local women Farika Hunzaga outside of the Ministry of Health this morning.

Palace of Revolutionary Health, 3 p.m. — Employees of the Ministry of Health donned delightful costumes portraying excess mucus — the inevitable result of winter colds — danced and sang outside of the Ministry of Health this morning, trying to spread the word about the importance of personal cleanliness in combating the spread of disease.

One such person, 37 year old Farika Hunzaga, an employee of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the mother of six, gratefully accepted several pamphlets on the importance of soap. “What a delightful way to spread the word about cleanliness!” she laughed. When asked to exit her vehicle and pose for a photograph for the Daily Truth, she happily complied.

When she could not adequately explain the dirt under her fingernails, however, she was shot in the head.

Her children, still in the car, cheered the swift action of the Ministry of Health Enforcement Squad.

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