New Minister of Information Appointed

Newly-appointed Minister of Information Grigori Rasputin takes the oath of office earlier today.

Palace of Information and Truth, 5 p.m. — Both President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik attended the swearing-in ceremony for the PDFRK’s newest Minister of Information, Grigori Rasputin. Minister Rasputin arrived in Revodna only six months ago, as a newly-elected member of Congress for Sideria Province, following the death of his predecessor, who accidentally decapitated himself while opening a can of tuna. Minister Rasputin quickly made a name for himself in Revolutionary politics. Although it’s hard to say exactly how. But he did.

Following the swearing-in ceremony, Minister Rasputin held the audience literally spell-bound while he spoke for four hours about his life in eastern Sideria and … and … his commitment to the Revolution (maybe?). Something like that. But we were spellbound.

He also told us he has a very large penis.

We must take his word for it.

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100 Lik Note Now Available

Palace of the Peoples’ Bank of the PFDRK, 3 p.m. — Minister of Finance and Sport Janós Milka* today announced the immediate availability of the new 100 Lik notes. Early this morning, the notes were trucked to all the branches of the Peoples’ Bank throughout Koskovia. “These new notes will make the business transactions of every Koskovian much easier,” he explained. “Once again, we chose the bold color red to remind us all of the triumphs of the Revolution under President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik.”

The reporter from StateTV One and RadioKOS inquired about the similarity of design to the 100 ruble notes used in the Russian Federation, which drew laughter from the Minister at such absurdities. “Such similarities simply do not exist.”

He continued: “I mean, it is not as if we just hijacked twelve truckloads of currency on its way from the European Banknote and Stamp Printing Corporation in Berlin to Moscow using a specially-selected strike team composed of our top fifteen soldiers who underwent ten months of training for such an operation; and who, once in control of the vehicles, used a variety of false passports to cross from Germany into the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, and finally Koskovia and arrived late last evening and spent the early dawn hours altering the faces of the bills.

“Such assertions are absurd.”

Editor’s Note: It is untrue and counter-revolutionary propaganda to assert that anyone named Gustav Hruska ever served as Minister of Finance and Sport. It is also entirely untrue that a non-person named Gustav Hruska turned up in the Revodnan sewer system without a head early this morning for bungling the design of the 5 Lik note. Trust us.

New Currency Issued

Palace of the Peoples’ Bank of the PFDRK, 4 p.m. — Standing in front of a large image of the redesigned 5 lik banknotes, Minister of Finance and Sport Gustav Hruska today announced the immediate availability of newly printed Lik notes.

The redesigned 5 lik notes, now being delivered to banks across the nation.

“Due to fasco-capitalist sabotage, our order for newly printed notes placed in October was delayed. Only after President and Chairman Vladik threatened harsh retaliation against the European Banknote and Stamp Printing Corporation were the new notes delivered,” the minister explained. “The new notes are being delivered to all of the local branches of the Peoples’ Bank — which were closed last October for cleaning and will re-open this afternoon —, and will be available for withdrawal by 9 a.m. tomorrow morning.”

“Therefore,” he continued, “bartering is once again illegal and we return to a cash-based economy.”

When asked by the reporter from StateTV and RadioKOS about the design process, the Minister replied: “We naturally chose a portrait of the President and Chairman to adorn the notes; and we chose the bright red lettering to remind our citizens of the Revolution. It is NOT TRUE that these are actually notes from the Republic of Moldova. Any suggestion along those lines is counter-revolutionary nonsense.”