Interview With Unit Commander

Lieutenant Dmitri Yazov, leader of Army Unit 16 which now patrols the Central City region of Revodna during the period of martial law introduced recently.

Revodna, 3 p.m — The journalist representing StateTV1, RadioKOS, and The Daily Truth spoke this afternoon with Lieutenant Dmitri Yazov, commander of the Red Banner Unit of the 6th Army Division of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army. Lt. Yazov arrived in Revodna from the small village of Kulikia only after the imposition of martial law last week by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov.

Reporter: How have you found the citizens of Revodna since your arrival?

Lt. Yazov: I am amazed at how committed the citizens of Revodna are to the Revolutionary ideal as defined by President and Chairman Vladik, Deputy President and Deputy Chairman Kulik, and Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov! They are truly alive with the spirit of Koskovian Socialism!

Reporter: How have the citizens of Koskovia reacted to the introduction of martial law during this period of uncertainty?

Lt. Yazov: They have reacted as expected — with enthusiasm and joy at the measures taken by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov in her desire to secure the nation until President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik are recovered safe and sound following the recent terrorist attacks against the President’s Lake Koskovia esta— excuse me, modest cabin, which is truly the property of the Koskovian people!

Reporter: How can the citizens of Koskovia best serve the Revolution in these uncertain days?

Lt. Yazov: By standing by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov, and by following all orders of the legitimate government and of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army. They should remain calm, avoid sexual contact which tends to angry up the blood, limit caffeine intake, and continue to attend the voluntary meetings of local party groups in the area, as attendance will be taken as always, to ensure voluntary coöperation.

Citizens must remember as well that soldiers are legally allowed to enter their homes, to search their persons, and to request food and beverages when needed. My men, and all members of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army, know enough not to make such requests unless absolutely necessary, despite what the rumor mill may say. Any evidence of abuse of power simple does not exist!

Reporter: Have you any indication when the period of martial law might end?

Lt. Yazov: As soon as the President and Deputy President are recovered safely, martial law will end upon their return to the capital as they resume their duties and the crisis ends.

Reporter: Can you tell us anything about the war against Dictarabistan?

Lt. Yazov: Such information, of course, is classified, however all indications are that the war is now within measurable distance of its end. Our soldiers are, according to the Ministry of Defense, approaching the capital of that foul nation.

Reporter: Have you yourself served in the war?

Lt. Yazov: No. As you know, my father Sergei was recently appointed to the Central Committee by Deputy President Kulik. My father told me that I would be aiding the nation by helping him in his capacity as a member of the Central Committee and in his work in furthering the Revolution.

Reporter: Of course, a very valid explanation that no man or woman could find fault with, coming from a luminary such as your father. Any reports of your cowardice or privilege are simply untrue.

Lt. Yazov: Yes, of course. My father whole-hearted supports the war against Dictarabistan, as do I, despite the fact that I’ve never been closer than 500 miles to the front line. My best wishes are with my comrades of the working class who are the backbone of the Koskovian Peoples’ Army.

Reporter: Thank you.

NY Philharmonic to Visit PFDRK

Soon the glorious sounds of the New York Philharmonic, a true friend to the Revolution, will resound in Revodna!

Revodna, 11 a.m.— The New York Philharmonic, which will shortly visit the PFDRK at the invitation of Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov, will give its performance at the East Revodna Grand Theatre located on a bank of the River Kamovitch flowing through Revodna.

The theatre, which underwent a formative and artistic renovation last year to meet the requirements of the new century, has all necessary facilities as an edifice of culture.

The grand columns of formative beauty, the mural depicting the splendorous Traska Falls and other fascinating decorations of the central hall add grace to the theatre.

Chandeliers shining brightly in various colors, sculptures of the women’s instrumental ensemble and the dance “Snow Falls” and various decorative patterns of balconies and walls on the second and third floors lead the viewers deep into the artistic world.

Perfect are the harp-shaped walls of the seating hall, the stage and latest sound facilities.

Now the threatre is fully prepared for the successful performance of the New York Philharmonic.

Sound reflection boards have been newly manufactured and installed so as to ensure the reverberation effect of the symphonic music on the highest level. And the theatre has been furnished with music stands, chairs for players, the lighting and other facilities to suite the features of the performance of symphony orchestra.

Zarin Mehta, president and executive director of the New York Philharmonic, looked round the renovated East Revodna Grand Theatre in January and expressed his thanks to the Koskovian Association for Art Exchange for its utmost efforts.

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Adapted from the North Korean News Agency! Apparently the NYP is actually going there!

Citizens Celebrate Martial Law

Loyal and patriotic citizens of Koskovia celebrate the imposition of Martial Law by Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov!

Revodna, 3 p.m. — A massive demonstration of patriotic citizens flowed through the streets of Revodna this afternoon, in support of Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Yvonne Tetrikov and her recent declaration of martial law!

Such citizens — the cornerstones of any successful Revolutionary and Communist society — believe that the Constitutionally-designated acting head of government has taken the true and appropriate steps for the liberty and security of all the people of Koskovia. Her swift actions are demonstrations of her dependable genius.

Clearly, her selection as Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies by President and Chairman Vladik last summer reveals his own monumental genius.

Meanwhile, the frantic search for both President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik goes on near the rubble of the president’s lake side home, hit by a terrorist attack last week.

It is beleived that they are trapped — but definitely alive! — in the bunker beneath the palace modest lake-side estate cabin.

Documentary Film Shown

Revodna, 12 p.m. — The recently-completed documentary film “To Realize the Leader’s Desire” was shown at the People’s Palace of Culture today on the occasion of the birthday of President and Chairman Vladik, who is still missing following the recent terrorist attack.

The film makes an impressive representation of the history of the long journeys made by Acting President Yvonne Tetrikov with total dedication to build a great prosperous powerful nation as desired by President Vladik.

It deals with the immortal leadership exploits she has performed by putting the dignity and national power of socialist Koskovia on the highest level with her unique understanding of politics and ushering in a heyday of the country’s prosperity, deeply imbuing the servicepersons and people of the PFDRK with the firm faith that the President will always be with us and his noble intention in the period of the ordeal unprecedented in history.

It also deals with the signal changes being brought about by the drive to build a great prosperous powerful nation under the seasoned and tested leadership of Acting President Tetrikov.

It was appreciated by senior officials of the party and state, a chairperson of a friendly party and others.

Acting President Tetrikov Speaks

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Acting President of the Republic and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon.

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Earlier this afternoon, Acting President Yvonne Tetrikov addressed the reporter from StateTV1 and RadioKos with an update on the search for President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik:

“As you know, a terrorist attack hit the grounds of the Presidential retreat at Lake Koskovia last week. The attack damaged the entire compound and much of the surrounding area. The incendiary devices proved quite difficult to extinguish and necessitated the combined efforts of the local emergency services, the Koskovian Emergency Response and Management Service (KERMS), and the Fire Service of the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces. The fires were only contained two days ago.

“Based on reports from Major General Yuri Testikov, who is in charge of the scene, confidence is high that both the President and Deputy President survived. According to General Testikov, the Koskovian Peoples’ Armed Forces constructed a nuclear-proof bunker beneath the lakeside estate in 1989, when the brotherhood of Socialist nations abandoned Koskovia. The difficulty now is that the bunker is buried under tons of rubble which will take time to clear.

“Therefore, under the provisions of Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskova, I have assumed the offices of Acting President of the Republic, Acting Deputy President of the Republic, and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. I will retain the position of Speaker of the CPD until further notice. Grand Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Koskovian Joint Military Command Council, has pledge his support to my administration — no matter how temporary — and will oversee the rescue operation now underway at Lake Koskovia.

“I ask all citizens of Koskovia to hope for the survival of our President and Deputy President, and for their immediate rescue.

“As announced last week, in my capacity as Acting Chairman of the Executive Council, I dismissed both the Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Defense for incompetence. The Foreign Minister resigned of his own accord. I have replaced all three with Georg Ulianov, my former chief of staff and now a member of the CPD from the Eketerinburg region. He will retain all three positions until suitable replacements for the Defense and Foreign Ministers can be found. He should thus be referred to in the press as ‘Minister of ForInDef.’”

“Long live the Revolution! Long Live Koskovia!”

At the end of the hour-long press conference, Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov took no questions. The new Minister of ForInDef announced that the State of Martial Law would continue for the foreseeable future. He further announced that current reports from the war with Dictarabistan are “encouraging.” The Koskovian Peoples’ Air Force has destroyed much of the Dictarabistan Air Force, and bombed fifty villages. He concluding by saying, “The war against Dictarabistan is within measure distance of its end.”

Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman Tetrikov with long-time POLITICAL ally (and certainly not anything else) and new Minister of ForInDef Georg Ulianov.

Terrorist Attack on Presidential Estate!

Fires rage near the estate of President Vladik, the result of some sort of terrorist attack.

Lake Koskovia, 7 p.m. — The Ministry of Defense has informed the Ministry of Information of a sudden terrorist attack at President Vladik’s country estate on Lake Koskovia!

The extent of the damage is unclear. The Minister of Defense has speculated that the attack originated with either agents of Dictarabistan — the war continues to go great, by the way! — or counter-revolutionaries paid by the United States. The Interior Minister has suggested that it may be both, while the Foreign Minister argued that it may be some sort of accident.

As the whereabouts of President Vladik and Vice-President Kulik are currently unknown, the Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Yvonne Tetrikov, has assumed full authority under Article XI, Section 12 of the Constitution. Fire and rescue teams have been dispatched to the scene.

UPDATE, 7:10 p.m. — The Foreign Minister has taken a leave of absence.

UPDATE, 7:11 p.m. — The Minister of Defense and the Minister of the Interior have both been arrested, tried, found guilty and executed for dereliction of duty.

UPDATE, 7:12 p.m.— Acting President Tetrikov has declared Martial Law.

Speaker of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Yvonne Tetrikov working on her farm last summer. She is now Acting President and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.