Changes Made to Government Committees

Revodna, 4:30 p.m. — For three hours and twelve minutes this afternoon, full executive authority passed from President and Chairman Vladik to Vice-Chairman Kulik while the President underwent a colonoscopy.

Never one to shirk his responsibilities, Vice-Chairman Kulik took his new responsibilities very seriously. He dissolved the cabinet and replaced all of the ministers with younger and more vigorous men and woman (all of whom happened to have worked for the Vice-Chairman in various capacities at one time or another); promoted several middle-ranking military officers to the rank of general, and re-shuffled the Joint Military Command Council (which included several demotions and retirements); and appointed four new justices to the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court (after accepting the surprise retirements of four senior justices after lunching with the Vice-Chairman).

When asked by StateTV1 about his amazing work ethic and accomplishments in such a short time, the Vice-Chairman said: “It is imperative for all Koskovians to work every minute of every day in furtherence of the Great Koskovian Revolution!”

All executive authority reverted to President and Chairman Vladik at precisely 4:24 p.m. The President and Chairman is recuperating at his summer home on Lake Koskovia, and it not expected to return to the capital until the end of August at the earliest.

In the meantime, Vice-Chairman Kulik will continue to oversee the day-to-day affairs of state, while keeping in close consultation with President Vladik.

Vice Chairman Denies False Accusations

Vice Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 1 p.m. — At a press conference this afternoon, Vice Chairman Kulik denied that he had ever said the war with Dictarabistan would be a simple victory. The charge arose when a radical (and obviously mentally ill) peoples’ deputy lambasted Kulik for “decieving the people of Koskovia about the conduct of the war” at yesterday’s CPD meeting.*

“No, no, no!” Kulik told the assembled reporters as he shook his head in frustration. “War is always long and brutal. Never did I suggest otherwise. Never!”

When asked by the reporter from StateTV 1 on his assesment of the possible length of the war, he replied: “Long. We in the Central Committee have begun to refer to this as ‘The Long War.’ It needs total commitment from the people of Koskovia as well as their government. I deny that I ever suggested otherwise.”

To prove his point, Kulik played video excerpts from his speech of 1st July, at which he explained to the CPD that the war would last for a very long time, and require much sacrifice.

At the end of the conference, the assembled reporters applauded the Vice Chairman’s truthfulness.

[*Note: That deputy has since resigned and checked into the hospital with symptoms of high blood pressure, nausea, and a missing head. He is expected to recover.]