Crowd Attacks Peaceful Police!

 

Revodna, 5 p.m. —  At a peaceful gathering of the Capital Police Force this afternoon, a small crowd of counter-revolutionaries chanting anti-war slogans attacked!  They shouted the most vile lies at the brave policemen, such as “Dictarabistan did not attack Koskovia!”, “The War is Illegitimate!”, “The Government Lied To Get Us Into War!”, “The War Only Benefits the Cubic Zirconia Companies!”, “No Blood for Cubic Zirconia!”, and other such untruths!

The police tried to calm the crowd, but had no choice but to respond when the crowd attacked with bricks, stones, and clubs.

The riot ended quickly, however.  All participants were arrested for Disturbance of the Public Peace.

Don’t expect them to be home any time soon.

WAR!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik, following the vote to authorize war against Dictarabistan.

 

President and Chairman Vladik addresses the nation about the state of war.

Revodna, 8 p.m. — In a nationally-televised addressed this evening, President and Chairman Vladik announced that a state of war now existed between the PFDRK and Dictarabistan!

Vice-Chairman of the ECCCCPD Josef Kulik has pushed for the declaration for several days now, and President and Chairman Vladik accepted the wisdom of his argument. The Vice-Chairman then orchestrated the passage of a formal Declaration of War by the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, which passed 299-1. The lone hold out, Peoples’ Deputy Ungar Yavlik of Scoria Constituency, argued agains the measure He then died suddenly following the vote after accidentially cutting his head off in the men’s room. Another vote was then taken, which was unanimous!

Vice-Chairman Kulik then immediately introduced legislation to further the war effort. The CPD passed the “Uniting and Strengthening Koskovia by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Dictarabistan Act of 2007*,” known as the “Koskovian Patriot Act” by 299-0 (remember, on Deputy had died earlier) which granted new powers to the Executive Council and the State Security Service to ensure the protection of all citizens of Koskovia during this time of crisis. These provisions include:

• Expanded use of electronic surveillance
• Expanded options for physical searches of persons
• Greater access to the personal records of any citizen suspected of aiding the enemy or of not supporting the war
• Authorizing the use of extra-constitutional Military Tribunals to try and convict enemy agents
• Imprisonment of enemy combatants in bases on foreign soil

Clearly the Koskovian Patriot Act will aid in the prosecution of the war to destroy the vile agents of Dictarabistan!

President and Chairman Vladik and Vice-Chairman Kulik jointly authorized the Koskovian Air Force to begin bombing raids at 6 p.m. today. Koskovian troops will move into Dictarabistan as soon as is possible.

All hail our brave leaders in their fight against the enemies of Koskovia!

—
*The actual title of the USA Patriot Act is: “Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001,” if you can believe it!

Vice-Chairman Urges War Against Dictarabistan!

Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Josef Kulik

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Josef Kulik, Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the CPD, and the closest advisor to President & Chairman Vladik, today announced the findings of a secret special commission created last December to investigate charges of the most serious nature against President Barabas al-Niki of Dictarabistan. According to the Vice-Chairman, the findings are:

• President al-Niki has used torture against his own citizens!

• The state run cubic zirconia factory DRSCUZ has consistently overcharged the government of Koskovia for that precious commodity for more than ten years!

• The government of Dictarabistan has been pursuing the development of weapons of mass destruction for use against the peaceful people of Fanatistan!

The Vice-Chairman thus urged the Congress to consider launching a pre-emptive strike against such a dangerous and unstable regime! His speech was received by the members of the Congress with long and thunderous applause.

Dictarabistan President Pays Visit

President Barabas al-Niki of Dictarabistan

Palace of the People, Revodna, 9 a.m. — President and ChairmanVladik welcomed President al-Niki of the Free Republic of Dictarabistan to Revodna this morning. The Presidents ate a hearty breakfast and discussed ways to increase the fraternal ties between our two great nations. In his opening remarks, President al-Niki thanked the people of Koskovia most sincerely for providing such consistent support during the war between Dictarabistan and its neighbor Fanatistan in Central Asia.

That war ended in 2006 after eight years with both sides returning to their original borders. Koskovia — long afraid of the growing power and influence of Fantistan in Central Asia — provided Dictarabistan with loans, military equipment, and intelligence capibilities. In return, Dictarabistan provides Koskovia with 90% of its cubic zirconia needs. President and Chairman Vladik has done all he can to maintain strong and permenent ties with Dictarabistan, to ensure the constant influx of cubic zirconia, the cornerstone of Koskovia’s domestic economy.

Following breakfast, the two Presidents addressed a joint meeting of their nations’ press corps, at which they received loud and thunderous applause.

Corrections to the Great Koskovian Encyclopedia Needed

Revodna, 2 p.m. — The Central Committee for the Publication, Correction, and Revision of the Great Koskovian Encyclopedia (CCPCRGKE) announced this afternoon that an error has been discovered in the latest edition of the national encyclopedia which all citizens received in January of 2007.

On page fifty-eight of volume three, there appears an article and photograph entitled: “Fedik, Viktor Sergeyevich.” This article references a fictional person who certainly never served on the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, and who therefore never could have possibly defected to Germany last night. It appears that an employee in the Art Department created this obviously false mock-up as a place holder, and due to human error the article ended up in the final version.

As truth and honesty is the hallmark of any socialist state, the CCPCRGKE issued a directive to all citizens to cut this article out and burn it. The ashes should be returned via KoskoviaPost to: CCPCRGKE, #22 Avenue of Free Peoples, Suite 10, Revodna, G-873-B-99. The mailing should include your name, age, profession, address, and national identification number. The deadline for this mailing is tomorrow at 5 p.m.

Constitutional Convention Convenes!

“The Members of the Constitutional Convention Pledge to Leap Ahead to the Glorious Future of True Socialism By Undertaking Needed Reforms!”

Palace of the People, Revodna, 9 a.m. — Three thousand delegates from all parts of Koskovia, and representative of all professions, gathered in the Great Hall of the Palace of the People this morning, to consider various proposals regarding changes to the Constitution of Koskovia. These delegates were, you’ll no doubt recall, elected on 31st December 2005 (don’t bother checking, they were — no matter what you think you remember about that General Election).

President and Chairman Vladik opened the august ceremony with a ringing speech focused on the need for periodic renewal in the interests of hastening the arrival of true socialism!

UPDATE: 10:15 a.m. — The Constitutional Convention has completed its work after voting to change the second word of line one hundred of paragraph seventy-seven of section sixty-two of article MCDLX of the state Constitution from “shall” to “will.”

All hail the brave delegates who have truly paved the way to a brighter future under true socialism!

Fasco-Capitalist Propaganda Invades Koskovia!

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Due to counter-revolutionary sabotage, the electronic jamming equipment arrayed at the borders of Koskovia to protect Koskovians from the lies concocted by the fasco-capitalist states, failed last night from 8 until 10 p.m. Therefore, a so-called “news” program originating in the Czech Republic was inadvertently broadcast on StateTV99.

This program, Current Events, contained slanderous and completely false charges against President and Chairman Vladik and the Communist Party of Koskovia. The Ministry of Information has therefore prepared a press release refuting the most obvious lies contained with in the report:

• The Communist Party of Koskovia (CPK) is NOT responsible for the deaths of more than 1 million people during the First and Second Phases of the Glorious Revolution (1949-1969) through forced labor, starvation, imprisonment and summary execution.

• There are NOT more than ten thousand “political prisoners” languishing in secret state prisons. Every single person in prison has been convicted of a crime by a legitimate, constitutional court.

• President and Chairman Vladik has NOT amassed a fortune worth more that 500 million Euros in a secret Swiss bank account by looting the state treasury. Under law, any government official who maintains a personal bank account outside of the country must keep the balance below 500 Euros. As Vladik is President of the Republic, and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, he COULD NOT violate the law in such a way.

• President and Chairman Vladik DOES NOT have an older brother Boris who defected to the U.K. in 1973 and who then “denounced in the strongest terms the abhorrent dictatorship of his brother, and subsequently pleaded with western governments to do everything possible to destabilize the government of Koskovia.” As reported in the Daily Truth at the time, Comrade Boris Vladik, his wife, and their three children all died in an airplane crash in the Swiss Alps while on their way to a clinic in Bern to treat his wife’s illness.

Grand Admiral Dedicates 500th Ship!

Revodna, 4:00 p.m. — Supreme Grand Admiral Viko Pachinko, Chairman of the Central Koskovian Naval Command and Control Committee (CKNCCC) today dedicated the 500th addition to the great Koskovian Navy! This newest ship, the Triumph of the Working Class on the Ocean, is of the latest design. She carries a crew of seven thousand, and is so large and powerful she is commanded by three captains!

At the dedication ceremony, Supreme Grand Admiral Pachinko praised the workmanship and skill of all of the naval construction workers and the forward thinking of the Central Koskovian Naval Planning, Design, Pre-Production, and Construction Committee (CKNPDPPCC). By sheer force of will, the workers at the Central Koskovian Naval Construction Bay (CKNCB) completed this triumph of socialist planning in only fifteen hours!

“The Triumph of the Working Class on the Ocean represents the supreme naval achievement of the PFDRK under the leadership of our great and wise President and Chairman Mladik Vladik. With this commission, the great Koskovian navy is now the largest navy in the world, and the most powerful. All the other nations of the Earth tremble in sight of our super-ships!”

The gathered press were not aloud to take photos of the new super-ship, as that would violate national security. The ceremony was attended by many government leaders, and closed to the press.

The Minister of Information reminds the reader that it is un-Socialist propaganda to suggest that Koskovia has no navy — nor needs one — as Koskovia is a land-locked nation. We have more than one thousand admirals, don’t we? Then we must have a navy! Q.E.D. If you need proof, here is a photograph of an ACTUAL sailor in the great Koskovian Navy! This photograph was taken by this sailor’s shipmate (one of many, we assure you!):

Ministry Blog Back Online!

Minister of Information Rudiger Slezak

Greetings to one and all!

Recently this blog — maintained by the Ministry of Information of the PFDRK — was taken off-line due to technical difficulties.

This down-time HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY SO-CALLED “REPORTS” OF INTERNAL DISSENT, COUPS, ATTEMPTED COUPS, OR MASS PURGES IN THE GOVERNMENT OF KOSKOVIA!

Such reports are nothing more than fasco-capitalist propaganda, despite any evidence to the contrary (and the BBC reports you may have illegally heard over the wireless when the jamming stations failed briefly last month).

President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies MLADIK VLADIK remains firmly in control. IT IS NOT TRUE THAT HE WAS PLACED BRIEFLY UNDER HOUSE-ARREST IN JANUARY! He did not appear in public for six weeks because he stayed in his office night and day working on government affairs (he didn’t even leave to use the rest room!)

The fact that there have been seven Ministers of Information since September is simply bad luck: three committed accidental suicide; two died of cancer; one had an unfortunate fall from the top of the State Security Service Headquarters; and the most recent accidentally stepped in front of a speeding train at 3:48 a.m. last Tuesday.

The REAL reason this website has been offline is because a comrade janitor at the Ministry accidentally unplugged the server. He has apologized, and is now vacationing in North Korea and certainly cannot be reached for comment or questioning until he returns sometime next year.

The current Minister of Information, Rudiger Slezak, is pictured above. Minister Slezak served as Second Deputy Under Secretary of Internal Investigations in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs from 1990-2004; and as Second Assistant Deputy Director of Media in the Ministry of Information from 2004 until February of 2007. President and Chairman Vladik appointed him Minister of Information following the death of his predecessor on 27 February 2007.

Now that this website is back on-line, here are some important news bulletins from the last several months:

• Little Mariska Vashili, only eight years old, won first prize at the Socialist Flower Show!

• Mrs. K. Randik delivered a four-hour address to the Socialist Women’s Sewing Circle on the benefits to the world of Socialism and praised the efforts of President and Chairman Vladik in pursuit of that goal.

• That village ten miles east of the capital city definitely did NOT explode. The booming sounds you heard and all the smoke was actually from a theatre troupe production of “Hamlet.”

• The entire cabinet and half of the members of the Joint Military Command Council resigned on 1 March 2007 due to ill health and/or sudden death.

• President and Chairman Vladik definitely did NOT accidentally shoot his youngest son in the face on a recent hunting trip. The extensive plastic surgery and facial reconstruction required by Yuri Vladik was due to a mole that needed to be removed.