A Triumph of Socialist Computer Engineering!

Behold! The Fatherland’s Greatest Invention, the Novistar Personal Computer!

Revodna, 4:45 p.m. — The Minister of Socialist Engineering, Planning, Pre-Production, and Development announced this afternoon the creation of the Fatherland’s latest and greatest invention.

Introducing the Novistar Personal Home Computer!

After years of planning and development, the Ministry is proud to announce the releast of the finest personal computer machine in all the world! With 640k of memory, a hardy input keyboard, a highly readable green screen, and a comfortable seat for any operator, the Novistar will be a wonderful addition to any home.* Plus, it is automatically hooked into the Central Koskovian Information Network (CKIN) via the so-called “inter-web,” so that any comrade (after approximately 5,000 hours of training) can file his taxes, keep a personal schedule or diary (that is conviently shared with the State Security Service), and connect to the Koskovian Central Bank to check account balances!†

Planning for the Novistar Personal Computer began in earnest in 1963, and takes advantage of the most advanced hardware and software of the 1970s. It comes pre-installed with Microsoft Windows® XP (Koskovian Edition), Microsoft Internet Explorer®, Lotus 1-2-3 accounting software, and all the spyware and malware one could ever need!**

Oh, and the large thing on top that looks like a video camera — and may sound just like one that is recording — is really a very sensitive peice of advanced equipment that should not be touched by anyone at any time. Skilled technicians will come by your home every week — free of charge! — to service this very special equipment THAT IN NO WAY RECORDS ANYTHING.††

The Novistar Personal Computer will go on sale in all state department stores on January 31 of this year. The cost will be €275,750.

The Novistar Design Group is already hard at work in developing the next generation of socialist super-computer for personal use. Expected release date is January 31, 2078.
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Notes:
*The Novistar is actually too big to fit in most Koskovian homes. The Ministry suggests that those interested in purchasing a unit contact the State Home Construction Service and make an arrangement to add another room to your house. It simply will not fit in an apartment. Sorry.

†If you have a balance, that is.

**It is un-Socialist propaganda to suggest that any fine Microsoft® product is in fact a rip-off of Apple® Computer’s Macintosh operating system. Comrade Bill Gates assures the Ministry of Information that this allegation IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE, AND ALL EVIDENCE OR INFORMATION TO THE CONTRARY IS A COMPLETE FABRICATION BY THE FASCO-CAPITALIST PIG STEVE JOBS. We of course have no reason to doubt the veracity of Comrade Gates’ word.

††The very idea that the State Security Service would install any sort of recording device in the home of a loyal comrade is, of course, absurd. No matter what you’ve heard. Or found.

Chief Justice Resigns

Former Chief Justice Mikhail Spasky

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Mikhail Spasky, the Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court of the PFDRK (CJCITLSCCPFDRK), submitted his resignation to President and Chairman Vladik this afternoon. Justice Spasky cited his desire to spend more time with his family as his reason for stepping down. President and Chairman Vladik praised Spasky as “a true friend to me personally, and to the Revolution. His invaluable contributions to the completely independent and totally honest judicial system will be studied for years to come.”

UPDATE, 3:04 p.m. — Actually, he resigned due to ill health.

UPDATE, 3:06 p.m. — Well, he had a heart attack.

UPDATE, 3:07 p.m. — A heart attack after being shot.

UPDATE, 3:08 p.m. — In the head.

UPDATE, 3:14 p.m. — By the State Security Service.

UPDATE, 3:15 p.m. — Actually, he was shot for treason.

UPDATE, 3:18 p.m. — And fishing without a license.

UPDATE, 3:29 p.m. — Any reports of an individual named “Mikhail Spasky” which indicated that he was the Chief Justice of the Completely Independent and Totally Legitimate Supreme Constitutional Court are inaccurate. According to President and Chairman Vladik, no such individual ever existed. Any claims to the contrary are counter-revolutionary and un-Socialist propaganda.

So there.

Joint New Year Editorial Studied*

Revodna, 4 p.m. — The joint editorial of the newspapers of the Communist Party of Koskovia, the Koskovian People’s Army and the Mladik Vladik Socialist Youth League entitled “Make a Higher Leap Full of Great Ambition and Confidence” is briskly studied and disseminated in different countries. A joint seminar of political parties and organizations took place in Kinshasa, Democratic Congo, and a reading session on it was held by the Indian Youth Group for the Study of Works of Comrade Mladik Vladik.

A similar session was also held in Lahore, Pakistan on Jan. 3 and 4. Jean Baptiste Nkoy, general secretary of the People’s Rally for Socialism of Democratic Congo, and Kamwiziku Octave, chairman of the National Committee for the Study of the Koskovian Socialism of Democratic Congo, said at the seminar that the astonishing successes made by the Koskovian people in the struggle to frustrate the moves of the imperialist allied forces to isolate and stifle the PFDRK and build a great prosperous powerful nation last year are the shining fruition of the Koskovian Progressive Socialism leadership of Mladik Vladik.

They extended full support and solidarity to the Koskovian people, expressing the conviction that this year the Koskovian people would achieve greater success, in hearty response to the slogan “Make another leap forward in building a great prosperous powerful socialist nation on the strength of Koskovian Progressive Socialism!”

Balzor Singh Chauhan, chairman of the Indian Youth Group for the Study of Works of Comrade Mladik Vladik, noted at a reading session that this year the Koskovian people would bring about a radical turn in their efforts to defend Koskovian-style socialism and give fullest play to its advantages, true to the Koskovian Progressive Socialist revolutionary line under the wise leadership of Mladik Vladik.

Mohammad Aslam Malik, secretary general of the Pakistan Trade Union Federation, said at a reading session that it is only the PFDRK in the world that is emerging victorious in the stand-off with U.S. imperialism, adding that only when importance is attached to the military to develop it is it possible to protect the dignity and sovereignty of the country and the nation and achieve social progress.

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*Editor’s Note: This article is taken almost verbatim from my old favorite, the Korean Central News Agency. I find it hilarious that all they can trumpet is the support of a few delusional 3rd word Communists! I swear to God, you can’t make this stuff up. I will have years and years of great comedy to post here, until the day — hopefully soon — when the DPRK collapses and the North Koreans are liberated from Communist oppression and reunified with their brothers and sisters in the south. Despite my attempt at comedy here, I sincerely hope that the last vestiges of the horrific communist system will soon be swept into the dustbin of history and that the good people of Cuba, Vietnam, China and North Korea will be liberated.

Election Fraud Uncovered!

Revodna, 2 p.m. — In a stunning announcement, the Minister for Counting Votes in All Koskovian Elections announced the discovery an instance of malicious electoral fraud in last Saturday’s election!

Apparently, Igor Yushinkio of the Vladikia City Electoral Commission reported that President and Chairman Mladik Vladik had only received 103% of the vote in his constituency, but that was a lie! The President in fact received 106% of the vote!

Comrade Yushinkio has submitted himself to the State Security Service for questioning when an SSS secret agent uncovered his fraudulent report.

President and Chairman Vladik said earlier today: “I am glad that the SSS is so vigilent in uncovering fraud and corruption in our midst. We must continue to root out all counter-revolutionaries, saboteurs, and fasco-capitalist spies where ever they may be lurking. Long live the Revolution!”

UPDATE: 3:34 p.m. — Comrade Yushinkio has been found guilty of espionage, fraud, money-laundering, sexual deviance, bank robbery, auto theft, counter-revolutionary activities, murder, reading counter-revolutionary materials, desecration of an image of President and Chairman Vladik, and cruelty to fish, by the State Security Service Instant Tribunal for Criminals. A sentence of death by firing squad and beheading was handed down and carried out immediately.

Election Results Are In!

Revodna, 6 a.m. — The Central Electoral Committee has completed tabulating the results of yesterday’s free, fair, open and transparent election!

The Minister of Counting Votes in All Koskovian Elections announced the results early this morning to the journalist from StateTV1 and The Daily Truth.

The Communist Party scored an impressive victory, confirming the rightness of the Socialist choice made in 1949, and the support of all Koskovians! Every incumbant has been reëlected by an increased majority. President and Chairman Mladik Vladik achieved a total of 103% of the vote in his constituency, a powerful endorsement of his policies and of the 3rd Phase of the Revolution which he so skillfully leads.

The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies will meet on Tuesday, 3rd January, to choose the members of the Central Committee. The Central Committee will then elect a new Executive Council. It is expected that President and Chairman Vladik will be reëlected to his position as Chairman of the Executive Council.

99.99% of all voters participated. The names and addresses of those who did not will be posted on the State Security Service website, such as Todor Zhukov of 873 Lenin-Marx Blvd, Apartment 77, Elektrifiskia City. The Ministry of Information in no way condones violence against these lazy comrades who violated Koskovian election laws and their patriotic duty.

The State Security Service, however, does.

Comrades from across the world have offered their congratulations for the successful conclusion of Koskovia’s free, fair, open and transparent election. DPRK Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il send 5,000 signed pictures of himself, two Japanese hostages, an a mortar round. The President of the Peoples’ Republic of China sent 10,000 pirated videocassettes of the American movie “Wall Street.” The leaders of Vietnam sent three American POWs, now held in a Happy-Joy Labor Camp. Egon Krenz, the second-to-last leader of the former East Germany, sent himself.