Uncounted Numbers Around the World Praise Koskovia’s Free, Fair, Open and Transparent Elections!

A massive demostration by our Australian comrades paralyzed the streets of Canberra today. (NOTE: the sign about health-care in Australia in the background is from a non-related march that happened to occur at the same time as the pro-Koskovian rally.)

Brave comrades take to the streets in Los Angeles, USA, in support of Koskovian Democracy!

Uncounted numbers of comrades march in London to praise the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia decision to hold free, fair, open and transparent elections on 31st December.

Revodna, 1 p.m. — The Ministry of Information’s Foreign Directorate today reported that untold thousands of Comrades around the world have spontaneously taken to the streets to show their support for the continuance of Koskovia Democracy. Comrades oppressed in the fasco-capitalist enemy nations of the United Kingdom and the United States — and other Western nations where cameras and television are banned (not pictured)— rallied support for our latest expression of true socialist democracy.

In response, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik thanked all the countless millions of comrades across the globe who poured into the streets to demonstrate their love of socialism, and the last remaining stronghold of European socialist democracy, our own Koskovia.

Foreign Minister Genaidi Zhukov praised these developments in his bi-annual press conference today, attended as always by the journalist of the Daily Truth. “The fact that hundreds of millions of brave comrades around the world have taken to the streets in highly organized spontaneous marches to show their support of our people is a clear symbol of the power of the Revolution, and of our Dear Leader, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik,” he said.

Vladimir Vladimirov, Minister for Relations with External Parties Sympathetic to the Ongoing Revolution in Koskovia, said: “Billions of citizens are supporting the only remaining European Socialist state by rallying to our cause in the view full of the worlds’ press, except in those many nations that have no cameras or television.”

North Korean Leader Congratulates Chairman Vladik!

Kim Jong-Il, Chairman of the National Defense Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Supreme Commander of the North Korean People’s Army, and General Secretary of the Korean Workers’ Party*

Revodna, 11am — North Korean Dear Leader and Staunch Ally of Koskovia, Kim Jong-Il, today sent President Vladik a message of congratulations on his decision to stand for reëlection for his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies on 31st December. In a telegram released to the press by the DPRK embassy in Revodna, Dear Leader Kim said:

The People of the DPRK and their Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il extend warmest congratulations to our dear friend and ally, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik, on his decision to seek reëlection to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies on 31st December 2005. We hope that the people of his constituency, Vladikia City, will see the wisdom of returning him to his seat with an increased majority — somewhere in the neighborhood of 150% of the vote would be just great. As per usual, the DPRK will be pleased to send an Election Observer that will prove the free, fair, open and transparent nature of the upcoming election to the fasco-capitalist warmongers in America and Europe who seem to have an unhealthy obsession with such things. Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il earnestly hopes that that all registered voters in Koskovia will remember to bring all of the necessary identification papers to the polling stations to avoid being turned away and followed home by the State Security Service.

President and Chairman Vladik expressed his warmest thanks to Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il for his kind message. Speaking to the journalist from The Daily Truth earlier today, President and Chairman Vladik said:

“It is very kind for my dear friend and ally Kim Jong-Il to send me such a kind note while I prepare to contents the upcoming election. The North Korean Election Observer will of course be joined by comrades from Cuba, Vietnam and China, as usual, who are certain to prove the free, fair, open and transparent nature of the upcoming election to the fasco-capitalist warmongers in America and Europe who seem to have an unhealthy obsession which such things. It was also very kind for Dear Leader Kim to remind all the registered voters in Koskovia to remember to bring all of the necessary identification papers to the polling stations to avoid being turned away and followed home by the State Security Service.”His message could only have been better had he remembered to remind all the registered voters in Koskovia that failure to vote is a violation of the Act to Ensure that All Registered Voters in Koskovia Vote When Voting in a New Election is Needed [1996] and subject to a fine of Lk938,383,844,223 and/or ten years in a Happy-Joy Labor Camp. But it was still a great message. Really. Just a super message from a great guy.”

Dear Leader Kim’s message arrived only moments after the Minister of Foreign Affairs reached an extensive trade deal with North Korea. In exchange for 10,000 bushels of wheat and 20,000 cords of wood from Koskovia, North Korea will send 2 transistor radios, a 1945 Dodge Tractor, 4 puppies, and 10,000 pictures of Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il.

[*Editor's note: This is Kim Jong-Il's actual title, copied word for word from his entry on Wikipedia.]

Chairman Vladik Will Stand for Reëlection!

President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the
Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, Mladik Vladik.

Revodna, 9 AM — Ending literally minutes of intense speculation, Executive Council of the Central Committee Chairman Mladik Vladik announced this morning that he will stand for reëlection on 31st December for his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies. Although he had spoken recently to a few close allies of retirement from the day-to-day burdens of national leadership, he was pursuaded by his comrades to stand once again, in the interests of national unity, national continuity, and all of the citizens of Koskovia.

Many ordinary citizens of the capital city greeted the announcement with outbursts of joy. One completely ordinary citizen— Field Marshal Nicolai Ryzkov, chairman of the Central Defense Committee (pictured left) — expressed his delight at Chairman Vladik’s decision. “I am delighted that the Chairman has chosen to retain his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, and I hope he will continue to lead the people of Koskovia along the path to True Socialism in his completely ordinary and normal dual role as Head of State and Head of Government.”

Vladik will not have to seek reëlection as President of the Republic until 2035, as per the Act Creating the Post of President of Republic as Head of State To Ease the Burdens of Office of the Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies [1995] which — in the interests of fostering political stability — set the term of office for the presidency at 40 years, with a limit of 3 terms per person elected to the office. Vladik, the first man to hold the office of President of the Republic, was elected to the position on 31st December 1995, with 99.9% of the vote. He was reëlected to his seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies in that same election with 100% of the vote in his local constituency, the City of Vladikia.

The Ministry of Information reminds anyone interested in challenging an incumbent for a seat in the CPD that they must have filed a petititon with the signatures of at least five-hundred sixty-three thousand, nine-hundred and eighty one registered voters by April 1, 2005, in order to qualify. Only one person did this — Feodor Federov from Vladikia City — but he died unexpectedly this morning after accidentally strangling himself (and his wife and two children) while putting on a scarf.

Therefore, all incumbents will run un-opposed, as per usual in all the nations that make up the Great Socialist Brotherhood of Planet Earth — China, Cuba, Vietnam, North Korea, and Koskovia.

Party Announces Electoral Slate for Upcoming Election!

Some of the Communist Party of Koskovia candidates for the
Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, earlier today

Revodna, 11:30am — After a brief meeting that stressed national unity and a continuation on the path to True Socialism, the Communist Party of Koskovia today announced its slate of candidates for seats in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, the highest state organ of the Koskovian people, in the upcoming election.

Party spokeswoman Alexandra Timoshenko stressed the “youthful vigor” of all of the candidates, who will present to the people a “fresh vision for the way ahead to the achievement of the goals set forth by Presdident & Central Committee Chairman Mladik Vladik.”

Deputy Chairman of the Central Committee Igor Ivanov ( front row, 3rd from left) expressed his “surprise and elation” at being chosen to contest his 20th election for the Party, and said that he looks forward to “running ahead with all deliberate speed to the sunny uplands of Socialism.”

The Party has shown its ability to renew itself with fresh visions, fresh faces, and fresh ideas time and again, and this slate of candidates is no different. It balances age, experience and vigor like never before. The youngest candidate, 62 year-old Mikhail Gorevitch (middle row, left), told journalists, “I am very happy to have been chosen by the Party to stand for re-election. As the youngest member of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies, I look forward to bringing a fresh perspective to the tasks that we must undertake to further the Revolution and solidify the victory of Socialism over the evils of bourgeois fasco-capitalism that saps the strength of oppressed peoples everywhere. I would like to extend the liberty and freedom of the Koskovian people even further in the coming Congressional term.”

Gorevitch, chairman of the Central Committee for Immigration and Emigration, was told of his selection shortly after his committee’s vote to redefine the limits of emigration, “to protect,” he explained, “national unity and all citizens of Koskovia.” His committee also reported that the number of immigration requests for 2002 was 11, mostly from the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of [North] Korea. All were denied. The number of requests for emigration visas remains classified, although none were granted.

CURRENT SEATS IN CONGRESS BY PARTY
As of the last election on 31st December 1995†

• Communist Party of Koskovia (CPK)———————-290
• Socialist Unity Party (SUP)———————————–1
• Party of Socialist Unity (PSU)——————————–1
• Alliance of Socialist Labor/Farmer (ASLF)—————-1
• Socialist Labor (SL)——————————————-1
• Socialist Farmer (SF)—————————————–1
• Koskovian Peace, Freedom and Liberty Party (KPFLP)–1
• Party for Peace and Liberty in Koskovia (PPLK)———-1
• Vacant———————————————————-3*
• TOTAL——————————————————300

NOTES:
† On June 1, 1996, the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies passed the Act to Reduce Electoral Confusion in the Interest of the Voters of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia, which reduced the number of legal political parties from 45 to 8.

* Three seats are currently vacant due to the accidental suicide of the former Minister of Information, Boris Pugonov; the accidental suicide of Class A Enemy of the People Krasomyr Somidar; and the resignation of Piotr Kamanev, former member of the Central Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics, due to radiation poisoning.

Polling stations will be open from 1:00 – 1:15pm on Saturday, 31st December 2005. All voters are reminded to bring their National Identification Cards, their Party membership cards, their National Health System Report Cards, their Address Cards, their birth certificates, their automobile registration (if any), proof of residency, high school and/or university transcripts, passports, tax receipts for the previous 10 years, and proof of marriage status. Those without all proper identification will be turned away and followed home.

The borders of Koskovia will be sealed even tighter than normal from 30th December until 1st January, to ensure that no agents of the fasco-capitalist nations intefer with the free, fair, open and transparent election. All inter-provincial travel will be restricted, major highways closed, and country roads blockaded. The Daily Truth will not publish those days, and Koskovian State TV1 and Radio1 will not broadcast.

The State Security Service will impose a curfew from midnight Friday until 12:55pm Saturday. The curfew will come into force again when the polls close at 1:15pm on Saturday, and last until 7 am Sunday morning. All international telephone lines will be cut. Revodna International Socialist Airport will be closed, and Koskovian Socialist Airline will be grounded. Dogs and cats must be kept inside. Goats must be tethered at all times. The trains won’t go anywhere.

You get the idea.

Massive Rally In the Capital in Support of President Vladik!

A massive spontaneous rally in support of our Dear Leader President Vladik in Vladik Sqaure earlier today.

Revodna, 12:30pm — A massive spontaneous rally of the people marched through Vladik Square today to congratulate our Dear Leader for his winning of the Marx-Lenin-Vladik Literary Prize, and his earlier decision to call for free, fair, open and transparent elections on December 31st.Participants were unable to accurately count the number of marchers, but estimates run into the tens. As they marched passed the Presidential Palace, they chanted popular slogans, including: “Our Dear Leader! Continue to Lead Us on the Correct Path to True Socialism While Making Such Decisions as You and Your Comrades Think Are Necessary for the Preservation of Peaceful Cooperation Within Society and With Our Allies in the Outside World and Help Us to Make the Sacrifices Necessary to Achieve our Great Goal As Fast as is Humanly Possible!”*

Rally organizer General Günter Tivoli of the State Security Service praised all the citizens of Koskovia who appeared in the capital to salute our Dear Leader in this very exciting time for the Republic. “These citizens have done their duty to the state and to our Dear Leader,” he told the journalist that covered the event. “They rightly chose to spontaneously follow my order to march in favor of our President and our Party.”

President Vladik appeared on the balcony of the Presidential Palace, flanked by his comrades on the Central Committee, and acknowledged the praise of the huge crowd with smiles and waves.All 300 seats in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies will be up for election on December 31st. So far, every member of the Congress has declared his or her intention to stand for re-election in fulfillment of their patriotic duty to the Fatherland.

[*Editor's Note: This slogan is adapted from actual slogans chanted during the celebrations commemorating the 50th anniversary of the founding of the Peoples' Republic of China in 1999.]

President Wins Marx-Lenin-Vladik Literary Prize for 2005!

Revodna, 4:00pm — The Central Literary Criticism and Prize Committee today voted to award the 2005 Marx-Lenin-Vladik Literary Excellence Prize to President Mladik Vladik for the 10th year in a row!

Our Dear Leader President Vladik accepted the gold-medal at a special ceremony at 4:05pm today at the Presidental Palace after the vote, which took place in his office. The Committee further awarded him Lk837,938,489,378,290 [€430,066.93] in recognition of his lasting influence on Koskovian culture.

The President’s latest literary work, Koskovian Culture and Society, January to April, 2001 explored the great changes in Koskovian culture and society from the period January until April, 2001. He included a thrilling discussion of the workings of many government Committees, including the Central Committee for the Removal of Refuse, the Central Committee for Socialist Architectural Design, and the reforms undertaken by the Central Calendar Committee.

Congratulations to President Vladik!

Forthcoming Elections

REVODNA, 10:30am — At 10:00am this morning, Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies Mladik Vladik requested himself — in his other role as President of the Republic — to dissolve the Congress and call for new elections on December 31st of this year. He agreed to his own request and duly signed the Instrument of Dissolution.

At the regular session of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies at 11:30am, a small minority of members demanded that the upcoming elections be “free and fair.” Intense but polite debate ensued within the Committee.

UPDATE, 12:30pm: There is no minority faction on the Central Committee. There is nothing amiss in the free, fair, transparent and open Electoral System in Koskovia.

All praise to our Dear Leader, the Mountain Eagle, the Friend to all Children and Races, President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Mladik Vladik for making it so!

Industrial Output Statistics Corrected

Revodna, 2 pm — The 28-member Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics has issued its latest report. The Committee voted 27-1 to correct the number of winter boots produced in June, 2001, from a total of 263, to a revised total of 100 million. This means that every single Koskovian now has 10,000 pairs of winter boots!

UPDATE, 2:25 pm — The Committee for the Revision of Unsocialist Statistics now has 27 members, following the resignation of one member due to radiation poisoning.

Enemy of the People Krasomyr Somidar Captured!

Arch-criminal and traitor to the Socialist Fatherland, Krasomyr Somidar after his arrest today as an Class A Enemy of the People

Krasomyr Somidar, who claimed to be the Minister of Information earlier today, was arrested outside his home and charged as an Enemy of the People. He rather unfortunately committed accidental suicide while in the custody of the State Security Service. Although details are unclear at the moment, his death had something to do with light socket.

The real Minister of Information is Elena Alexandrovna Sarkatova, and always has been, and always will be.

UPDATE: Elena Alexandrovna Sarkatova, who claimed to be the Minister of Information fifty-five seconds ago, has been arrested and charged with Improper Dress By a Comradette.

The real Minister of Information is Ivan Sergeivich Turkov, and always has been, and always will be. [End of Update].

The Minister of Information Welcomes You!

Minister of Information of the PFDRK, Krasomyr Somidar

Dear Reader,
Thank you for visiting the newly-created site for all things Koskovian! You may have heard that the previous Minister of Information Boris Pugonov accidentally cut his head off while combing his hair. We are very sad at the loss of one of the leaders of the 3rd phase of the Glorius Revolution, which is led by our Dear Leader, the Mountain Eagle, the Friend to All Children and Races, President Mladik Vladik.

To honor the loss of the Minister, we inaugerate this news site for all Koskovians and admirers of our Dear Leader’s philosophy of governance and national unity, as set forth in his best-selling work, “107 1/2 New Ideas for the Continuance of National Unity Under An Ever-Changing Philosophy of the Revolutionary State.”

Enjoy your stay. Remember that all information here is subject to change at any time, without notice. Repeating old information is a criminal offense under the Act For the Preservation of Free and Accurate Information [1950]. So be careful!

Most sincerely Yours,
Krasomyr Somidar,
Minister of Information
Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia