• The Peoples' Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia is a small nation nestled deep in some snowy mountains somewhere.
• When the other European members of the great Communist brotherhood abandoned communism in 1989, Koskovia alone stood strong under the direction of the Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples' Deputies, Mladik Vladik.
• In 1995, the Koskovian people voted 99.9% to award Chairman Vladik the additional title of President of the Republic in a free, fair, open, honest, and transparent election, overseen by observers from North Korea, China, Cuba, and Vietnam. The .1% who voted against the measure were resettled in North Korea, China, Cuba and Vietnam, and we presume they are happy and prosperous. But we haven't heard back. Not even a postcard.
•In 2007, the Congress of Peoples' Deputies elevated Vice-Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee Josef Kulik to the office of Deputy President by a vote of 298-2.
• The capital of Koskovia, Revodna, does not appear on any maps for security reasons.
• The national currency, the Lik, is currently pegged to the Euro at 1:1,948,390,875. The smallest currency unit of the Lik (Lk) is 1,000,000,000. The Central Bank beleives that the more zeros a currency has, the more important it is.
• The current flag (pictured above) was adopted by the Congress of Peoples' Deputies on January 2, 1995. The main change was the addition of the sun emblem, and the removal of the hammer and sickle. It occured to the Deputies that no one in Koskovia used either a hammer or a sickle, but every citizen enjoyed the sun. Except the vampires.
• Weather conditions in Koskovia are hard to predict, but there are typically 5 days of bright sunshine, and 355 days of snow and/or sleet in a given year.
• As per Directive 78-B-94 of the Central Calendar Committee, the PFDRK does not recognize January 8, April 22, June 17, September 1, or November 9. The existence of these days is considered bourgeois fasco-capitalist propaganda.
Revodna, 1:15 p.m. — The polls are now closed. The curfew imposed by the State Security Service will be reimposed in 1 minute. Hurry home!
Results of the balloting will be announced as soon as all ballots are counted, sorted, and categorized.
Long live Koskovian democracy!
Revodna, 1:00 p.m. — The polls in Koskovia’s latest exercise in free, fair, open and transparent elections are now open. The curfew will be reimposed at 1:16 p.m. when the polls close.
Revodna, 6 p.m. — The free, fair, open and transparent election for all seats in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies will take place tomorrow, Saturday, 31st December.
All citizens are reminded that the State Security Service has ordered a curfew beginning at midnight tonight, and extending until the polls open at 1 p.m. tomorrow. All citizens are ordered to comply with the curfew restrictions. Violators will have some difficulty.
The polls will be open from 1:00 until 1:15 p.m. tomorrow. The curfew will be reimposed from 1:16 p.m. until 7 a.m. Sunday morning, 1st January. Results of the balloting will be announced as soon as all votes are counted.
President and Chairman Mladik Vladik reminds all citizens of Koskovia that voting is your patriotic duty, and, of course, mandatory under the 1996 Act to Ensure that All Registered Voters in Koskovia Vote When Voting in a New Election is Needed.
Citizens are reminded to bring the following to the polling stations:
• National Identification Card
• Party membership card
• National Health System Report Card
• Proof of residency
• Birth certificate
• Automobile registration (if any)
• High school and/or university transcript
• Passport
• Tax receipts for the previous 10 years
• Proof of marriage status.
Those without all proper identification will be turned away and followed home.
Vladikia City, 8:00 p.m. — Every candidate for a seat in the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies appeared before a journalist and packed auditorium in their constituencies this evening for a debate on profound issues important to voters in Saturday’s election.
As every incumbent candidate for the CPD is running unopposed, they fielded questions from the journalist and audience.
President and Chairman Mladik Vladik was no exception. Showing his true nature as a man of the people, Vladik cleared some time in his very busy schedule as head of both the executive and legislative branches of government to meet his constituents in Vladikia City.
The President and Chairman, looking very fit and energentic, took questions for a quarter of an hour. He handled some very difficult and probing questions with grace and ease. No audience member managed to catch him off his guard, and he quickly displayed his mastery of all subjects concerning government and the economy.
Some questions asked were:
“Your Excellency, how can we as ordinary citizens of a Revolutionary state help you and your comrades carry out the policies that will hasten the coming of True Socialism?”
“Your Excellency, what do you see as the most significant triumph of Revolutionary Socialism in 2005?”
“Your Excellency, if you are reëlected in Saturday’s free, fair, open and transparent election, what do you see as your priorities for the short, medium, and long-terms in 2006?”
“Your Excellency, why do you love democracy and the people of Koskovia so much?”
The President and Chairman handled all the questions deftly throughout the alloted time. At the conclusion of the event, he made a brief statement of thanks and asked all citizens for their votes on Saturday:
“My dear comrades, thanks for coming tonight. Remember to fullfill your patriotic duty on Saturday and cast your vote for me!”
His remarks were greeted with thunderous applause.
Revodna, 10:00pm — Just before he gavelled the session of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies to a close for 2005, President and Chairman Vladik announced that the State has taken control of all assests in the name of former Koskovian Ambassador to the United States, Mila Arkmatova.
Arkmatova, you will remember, has been held captive by the American “FBI,” the Anti-Progressive Armed Force for the Supression of the Human Rights of Citizens and Foreigners, since Thursday, 22nd December 2005. As the Foreign Ministry has been unable to win her freedom, President and Chairman Vladik decided that the state must take control of her assests in order to protect them from the fasco-capitalist United States government and the demonic Dick Cheney and his puppet George W. Bush.
As a descendant of the aristocracy, Arkmatova had considerable land holdings. Arkmatova’s father, the former Duke of Treskia, was allowed to keep his assest because he voluntary surrendered his titles when he joined the Communist Party in 1949.
The assets taken into the protection of the State (in the person of President and Chairman Vladik) include:
Oh, and the assests of her entire family, her husband’s family, and all of their friends have been taken into state protection as well.
Revodna, 9:44pm — The Congress of Peoples’ Deputies concluded the 2005 legislative agenda this evening, in advance of Saturday’s election.
Every member of the CPD has been working tirelessly in the last several days to pass all remaining legislation proposed by President and Chairman Vladik and the Central Committee.
The most notable items were last-minute additions to the State Budget for 2006, proposed by President and Chairman Vladik and approved by the Central Budget Committee last night. They include:
Note: Budget items are reported in Euros (€) because the currency translator at the Ministry of Information is not working.
These items will be funded as of 1st April 2006.
The Members of the CPD also decided that the ballots of veterans of the First Phase of the Glorious Revolution (3rd to 4th June, 1949) would count double in Saturday’s election.
Comrade Ambassador Mila Arkmatova, now being held captive by the American secret police.
Washington, D.C., USA, 3:30 p.m. EST — In a hostile move by the Fasco-Capitalists in the USA, Koskovian Ambassador to the United States Mila Arkmatova was kidnapped today by the American secret police, the so-called “FBI,” which translates to the Koskovian language as “Anti-Progressive Armed Military Force for the Supression of the Human Rights of Citizens and Foreigners.”
In violation of international law and of human rights, Ambassador Arkmatova was dragged before the American press and forced to make the following statement against her will:
“I have for much of my life served the Revolutionary Government of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia. For the last five years, I have served as Ambassador the United States. I have found the American people to be a kind and generous people, very different from the propaganda emanating from my own government. I have lately come to understand the extent to which President and Chairman Mladik Vladik and the Communist Party of Koskovia has perverted Koskovian society and culture to preserve their dictatorship. The stifling political culture in my homeland has left the Koskovian people suffocating, gasping for the air of liberty and freedom. I stand before you today in order to publically denounce President Vladik and the CPK for the continuation of an anti-democratic system. I realize that this statement now makes it impossible for me to return to my native land under the current regime, and I have asked the U.S. State Department for political asylum for myself and my family. Thank you all.”
We can only imagine the extensive torture employed by the “FBI” in order to force our Comrade Ambassador to spew such unpatriotic bile against her close friend and ally President and Chairman Vladik. She clearly showed signs of physical and mental exhaustion, and her eyes welled with tears as she was forced to vomit up the foulest lies by her captors.
Hugo Tretnikov, spokesman for the State Security Service, explained to the journalist from StateTV1 that Ambassador Arkmatova managed to blink a message in Morse Code to alert the Koskovian people that she spoke under duress. Refering to the video feed broadcast on CNN International, Comrade Tretnikov pointed out when the ambassador blinked out her message, which said in part:
“Comrades of Koskovia! I am being held captive by the fasco-capitalists of the demonic United States and forced to spew the foulest lies against my old friend and ally President and Chairman Mladik Vladik! The American Anti-Progressive Armed Military Force for the Supression of the Human Rights of Citizens and Foreigners have tortured me and told me what to say at this falsified press conference. The demonic Bush Adminstration is attempting to undermine the world-wide support for the Revolutionary government of Koskovia. I confirm by this special code my undying love for my homeland, for the party, and for our Dear Leader, President and Chairman Vladik. I confirm that I will never betray the Koskovian people no matter how long the fasco-capitalists imprison me.”
Ambassador Arkmatova is currently being held in the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City. This so-called “hotel” is in fact a foul cesspit where anti-American foreigners are forced to stay under armed guard to prevent these visitors from enlightening the American people about Revolutionary principles that could free them from their fasco-capitalist oppressors.
Apparently the entire Koskovian delegation has been detained as well, as the telephones in the Koskovian embassy were not answered despite repeated attempts by the Foreign Ministry to contact the embassy staff.
Revodna, 4:45 p.m. — A telegram arrived today originating in Havana, presumably from our Revolutionary comrade President Castro. The telegram read:
El gobierno revolucionario de Cuba saluda a sus camaradas en Koskovia y expresa gran alegría en las elecciones próximas el 31 de diciembre. Presidente Castro espera que los gobiernos revolucionarios de ambos nacionales continuará a recorren de común acuerdo abajo del camino al socialismo verdadero. Presidente Castro recuerda todo el Koskovians que es una violación de la ley revolucionaria para no echar una balota en la elección libre, de la feria, abierta y transparente. La gente cubano amplía sus deseos a nuestros hermanos socialistas en Koskovia por una elección lisa y una Feliz Año Nuevo.
We presume that this message is one of congratulations. However, no one in either the Foreign Ministry or the Ministry of Information speaks Spanish.
PFDRK System Will Be More Consolidated
Revodna, 4 p.m. — The U.S. some time ago let the EU present a “resolution on human rights in Koskovia” to the United Nations and adopt it and recently brought together riff-raffs to hold an “international conference on human rights issue” of a certain country, which are a very dangerous political plot to stifle the PFDRK.
Although the U.S. plays a “judge of human rights”, styling itself a “defender of human rights” and taking issue with the “issue of human rights” in anti-American independent countries including the PFDRK, it is a real abuser of human rights.
The essence and ultimate goal of the U.S. strategy of “human rights” towards the PFDRK is to fabricate false “human rights issue” and arouse public opinion and politicize it over the world so as to isolate, blockade and undermine the PFDRK and demolish Koskovia-style socialism. But it is a daydream coming from ignorance of the PFDRK.
The more frantically the U.S. resorts to the shameless “human rights” racket, the more the system of PFDRK will be consolidated along the unique line of Kosokovia Socialism.
The U.S. should ponder over the consequences of its reckless “human rights” offensive.
+===+
Ugandan President Praises PFDRK
Revodna, 4:15 p.m. — “I am sure that the PFDRK will become a more powerful country under the wise leadership of His Excellency Mladik Vladik,” Ugandan President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni said this when meeting PFDRK Ambassador to Uganda Valeria Tupolev who paid a farewell call on him on Dec. 13.
President Museveni highly praised the Socialist leadership of President and Chairman Vladik who has successfully carried forward the nation’s cause and underscored the need to steadily boost the relations between the two countries that have favorably developed.
[Editor's Note: These are adapted from actual news items from the KCNA. See link at bottom.]
Revodna, 4:40 PM – The Central Committee of Electoral Ballot Printing has announced some minor changes for the upcoming election on 31st December. Despite the fact that all 300 candidates are running unopposed, the CCEBP decided that the old-style ballots may give some fasco-capitalists the notion that the voters of Koskovia have no choice. This is of course completely rediculous, and the product of Western propaganda. However, in the interest of dispelling any confusion, the CCEBP has adopted a new style ballot to solidify the idea that all Koskovia voters have a clear choice when going to the polls on 31st December.
For illustrative purposes, we present both the old and new style ballots, in this case from President and Chairman Vladik’s constituency of Vladikia City.
Example A: Vladikia City Constituency Ballot, 1995
Example B: Vladikia City Constituency Revised Ballot, 2005
This revision is completely consistent with Article MCDIII, Section 496 of the Constitution of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia. Any voter with questions or concerns are urged to contact their local party representative for a helpful, illustrated 400-page Voters’ Guide, 2005.
