Minister for Hats Announces Hat Austerity Program for Government Ministers

Minister for Hats Skanda Yobgob announces the details of the new plan outside his office this afternoon.

Palace of the People, Revdona, 2 p.m. — Minister for Hats Skanda Yobgob addressed the reporter for StateTV1 and RadioKOS early this afternoon to announce the details of a new government hat austerity program.

“Due to the economic troubles in the captialist states, there has been a greater demand for warm winter woolen hats made in Koskovia. Therefore in the interest of friendly relations, the Ministry for Hats has authorized the sale of remaining stocks to the western nations. Therefore there shall be, for a limited time, a shortage of new hats in some parts of Koskovia, most likely your part. To alleviate some of the difficulties, I have ordered all members of the Ministry of Hats to reduce the size of their hats by 1 mm, as I myself have done as you can see.”

Minister Yobgob then dramatically pointed to his hat, which indeed looked smaller than usual.

“It is hoped that the ministers and civil service functionaries of other departments will adopt these measures.”

New Meat Stocks (not) Shipped to Stores

Store workers showing off a large pile of Grade-A(-) beef recently (not) shipped to all Koskovian supermarkets.

Revodan, 4 p.m. — Minister for Meat Sonja Malenkov announced this afternoon the latest shipment of Grade-A(-) beef has (not) been dispatched to supermarkets around the nation. “We can(not) announce high-quality beef has (not) been shipped to stores around the nation,” she told the members of the Central Commission for Meat. “All Koskovians certainly do (not) have a constitutional right to enjoy regular supplies of (not) high-quality meat.”

She further remarked, “The recently unfortunate delay in shipments originally scheduled for December 1st, 2002, has been resolved. This of course was the fault of European Union customs law, which is prejudicial against socialist countries.”

Minister Demands Members of Congress Accept Lower Pay During Fiscal Crisis Caused Only By the Capitalist Nations and Not the Minister of Finance of Koskovia nor the Koskovian Central Bank nor the President and Chairman

Newly-appointed Minister of Finance and Chairman of the Central Bank Yuri Belgariovna addresses the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies this afternoon.

Revodna, 3 p.m. — Newly-appointed Minister of Finance and Chairman of the Central Bank Yuri Belgariovna addressed the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies this afternoon, urging the members to accept a 10% pay cut during the fiscal crisis caused only by the capitalist nations and not by the Minister of Finance of Koskovia nor the Koskovian Central Bank nor President and Chairman Vladik.

“This crisis, caused by the capitalist nations and not by the Minister of Finance of Koskovia nor the Koskovian Central Bank nor President and Chairman Vladik, means that we must adopt some new approaches to fiscal discipline,” he explained during the tri-annual question time set aside for the minister of finance. “Therefore, as my first act as finance minister I wish to introduce a proposal entitled “Cut the Wages of the Members of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies and Other High Government Officials to Prevent Wage Cuts for Ordinary Koskovians Act of 2010.”

This act will cut the pay of all ordinary Koskovians by 25% to prevent a cut in wages for the members of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies.

Extra Security Forces Added for Koskovian Peace and Socialism Day

Newly sworn-in officers of the Ministry of Internal Security and Harmony Street Safety Task Force Division patrol the streets of Revodna.

Revodna, 4 p.m. — Following the request of the Governor-General of Revodna, President and Chairman Vladik authorized the immediate hiring and deployment of dozens of new members of the MIS&H Street Safety Task Force in preparation for tomorrow’s nation-wide celebrations of Koskovian Peace and Socialism Day.

The recent rise in petty crime on the streets of major Koskovian cities have absolutely nothing to do with the worldwide financial crisis. Such assertions are nonsense. Rather, it is the infiltration of counter-revolutionary forces from Hungary and Germany who are disrupting the peaceful life of ordinary Koskovians.

The Minister of Homeland Security Javik Yugo resigned recently after his execution for dereliction of duty.

The new members of the SSTF, pictured above in formation, will be deployed for the rest of the month.

President’s Favorite Pet Named Army “General” in Delightful Children’s Ceremony

President and Chairman Vladik’s favorite dog Barky Stalin was “appointed” to the Koskvian Peoples’ General Staff today at a gathering for children at the Presidential Palace.

Revodna, 2 p.m. — At a gathering for the children of party officials at the Presidential Palace this afternoon, President and Chairman Mladik Vladik held a delightful ceremony in which both he and his favorite dog Barky Stalin took part.

With the children and their parents looking on with glee, and together with the Minister of Defense, President Vladik signed the documents making Socialist Victory a Major General in the Koskovian Peoples’ Army. He was given a custom-made uniform and hat, and spent the afternoon “parading” among the guests. Several of the children interviewed by this reporter — none of whom consented to be a identified, but they were Pili Schabowski and Anna Maria Hralkin — were sure to salute the new “general” as he trotted around them eating the cake crumbs.*

General Barky Stalin will report to Yuralsk City Military Installation tomorrow morning and take command of the 3rd Army.

The newly-installed general also received the “Presidential Medal of Socialist Victory, 1st Class” and a dacha near Lake Koskovia.
—
*”cake” is a kind of snack food recently invented by the Koskovian Peoples’ Food Production and Invention Laboratory and tested on these children. Reactions were mixed.

New Luxury Hotel Construction Complete

The brand new Koskovian Peoples’ Mega Grand Superior Hotel and Resort opened its doors today to an admiring public.

Not Your City, 5 p.m. — The new Koskovian Peoples’ Mega Grand Superior Hotel and Resort opened its doors this afternoon after 18 months of construction. Bela Koosh, chairman of the Central Grand Design and Construction Committee (CGDCC) cut the red ribbon before an appreciate crowd at 4 p.m. this afternoon, and proclaimed the hotel and resort open for business.

“Nothing marks a great nation like a great hotel and resort,” he said, wielding a large pair of scissors. “This new hotel, not located in your city, is a beacon of socialist accomplishment and a triumph of socialist engineering!”

The hotel, not located in your city, can serve up to fifty thousand guests at a given time. Appointments to tour the facility, built at a cost of 458 million euros, are available through the Reservations Department. Simply look up the number in a telephone directory. You can get on the waiting list for a telephone directory (current wait time: 4 years, 5 months), by emailing the Central Telephone and Communications Control, Monitoring and Repair Committee at:

ineedatelephonedirectorytocallsomeoneinkoskovia@ctccmrc.koskovia.gov.

If you do not have access to email, please try anyway.

Counter-Revolutionary Leader Executed

Counter-revolutionary and terrorist code-named “Dipsy” was executed at dawn this morning on orders of the State Security Service.

Revodna, 1:30 p.m. — On the orders of the Chairman of the State Security Service, recently captured counter-revolutionary and terrorist code-named “Dipsy” was executed at dawn this morning. “Today is a great day in Koskovia,” Chairman [name withheld] told the reporter from The Daily Truth and RadioKOS. “Following a tribunal held from 6 to 6:10 a.m. this morning, the terrorist code-named Tinky Winky has been executed on charges of counter-revolutionary activities going back at least ten years.”

Dipsy, as his commrades named him, served as second-in-command of a small but determined band of terrorists known as “The Teletubbies.” This group, originating in the decadent West, has sought since 1997 to undermine the revolutionary Koskovian state by turning the minds of its children into mush. The State Security Service is still hunting for the other members of this terrorist gang — Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, and Noo-Noo. All Koskovians should be on the lookout for these mindless servants of the western imperialists.

Last known group photo of the terrorist organization known as “The Teletubbies.”

New Minister for Wildlife Preservation and Conservation Appointed

Newly-appointed Minister for Wildlife Preservation and Conservation Mikos Gorak settles into his new office this afternoon.

Revodna, Palace of the People — Following the assassination resignation mauling accidental suicide of Wildlife Minister Hana Schïll on Tuesday, President and Chairman Vladik appointed Deputy Mikos Gorak of Praha District to the vacant post. Mikos Gorak, 44, is an avid outdoorsman who loves animals of all kinds.

“Yes, I love [redacted animals. I especially like [redacted] the endangered ones. They make the best [redacted]. I look forward to leading a new generation of Koskovian [redacted] right to [redacted] all the animals we can find!”

All Koskovians wish the new minister well.

Devices Which Are Not Cameras Are Shipped to Citizens

This is not a camera, video or otherwise.

Revodna, Palace of the State Security Service, 4:15 p.m. — The spokesman for the State Security Service, [Name Withheld], announced to the reporter for StateTV and RadioKOS that the SSS has begun shipping a brand-new device to all Koskovian households, in furtherance of the Revolution.

“I am pleased to announce the preliminary shipment of our brand new HouseTEK 400 devices,” [Name Withheld] said in the Amphitheater of the People earlier today. “These new devices, which are most definitely not cameras of any sort, are intended to make the lives of all Koskovians easier. The HouseTEK 400 represents the latest advance in household technology. In order to benefit from these amazing devices invented by our top scientists, any member of the household must simply position it with a view of the most heavily-trafficked area of the home, plug it in to a wall socket using the included charger, raise the antenna, and press the small button marked with a red circle and the letters R, E, and C. And that’s it!”

The reporter then asked the spokesman: “The benefits of this device must be amazing!”

[Name Withheld] responded, “They are. It will not be a very long time before all Koskovians realize the amazing benefits of this fabulous instrument. Naturally, this device is most certainly not a recording device.”

[Name Withheld] also provided the reporter with a detailed schematic of the new device, all though some parts were naturally blacked out. This amazing document was entitled “Introducing the not-a-camera HouseTEK 400!” and provided user instructions.

Computer Executed for Un-Socialist Behavior

The NoviStar 5500 executed this afternoon by the State Security Service.

Revodna, Palace of the People, 5 p.m. — Following a short hearing by the Computer Security Bureau of the State Security Service this afternoon, the NoviStar 5500 computer used by the Central Committee for Socialist Statistics was sentenced to death, according to [name withheld], spokeswoman for the CSB.

“This particular model, number 5H295773FGHI13300D-1-A, refused to return the proper statistics for meat production. Statisticians had already determined that the latest production figure for first quarter meat production were 5,500 metric tons. The computer, however, consistently returned only 5,500 pounds for the first quarter. After every effort was made to convince the computer to return the proper figure, it was brought up on charges before the CSB. In the spirit of socialism, sentence was pronounced quickly and carried out immediately after.”

The remains of the computer will be put on display in the Un-Socialist Museum inside the Palace of the People.

Two statisticians were also executed.