President’s Son Honored

Georgi Vladik, eldest son of President and Chairman Vladik, at the Peoples’ Award Ceremonies.

Revodna, 8 p.m. — Georgi Vladik, the eldest son of President and Chairman Vladik, tonight received the nation’s highest awards at the annual Peoples’ Awards Ceremony in the Palace of Culture.

Georgi, 32, received three honors from the Central Committee for the Honoring of Outstanding Efforts in the Service of the State and the Furthering of the Cause of Socialism Both Nationally and Internationally by Ordinary Koskovians (CCHOESSFCSBNIOK): the Star of Vladik (1st Class) for his tireless efforts overseeing the Lake Koskovia Sailing Program for Socialist Youth; the Golden Star (1st Star) for his work in the Socialist Film Directorate; and the General Yevgeni Kolyma White Star (1st Class) for his previous military service (January – May, 2008).

Georgi gave a brief speech in which he thanked his parents for instilling in him the importance of constant efforts in the furtherance of socialism. His proud father, President of the Republic and Chairman of the Executive Council of the Central Committee of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia Mladik Vladik, pinned the awards to his son’s athletic chest himself, wearing a broad smile all the while. President and Chairman Vladik then spoke for two hours extolling the virtues of his son’s work, occasionally needling Georgi for remaining unmarried and spending such a lot of time in the steam room of the Revodna Central Gymnasium! His time there is, of course, part of his rigid physical exercise regime, which is the duty of all Koskovians.

Other award recipients were:
Yalu, Magda (67 yrs) – Silver Star (3rd Class) for work with the elderly and infirm (1962-2008)
Ungar, Yuri (72 yrs) – Aluminum Cross (2nd Class) for work in physics at the University of Revodna (1960-2000)
Halstrom, Maria (7 yrs) – Gold Star (2nd Class) for classroom artwork in the furtherance of the Revolution.

President Vladik Sends Birthday Spread to Centenarian

Cental Commission for Celebrating Milestone Birthdays, Palace of the People, 2 p.m. — President and Chairman Vladik Wednesday sent a birthday spread to Mardek Stila, a resident in May the 23rd District, Revodna, on the centenary of his birth.

Born as a son of a farm hand, he was subject to maltreatment and contempt as a member of a stateless nation. It was not until President Vladik liberated the country that he could lead a happy life under the care of the motherland.

He did farm work with all sincerity to repay the country’s benevolence. He has kept himself busy even since he became a pensioner. He likes bean paste and vegetable, never allowing himself to have unbalanced diet. He is moderate in living, never smoking and drinking.

He still cultivates his family garden and prepares with sincerity the aid materials to be sent to servicepersons of the Koskovian People’s Army.

Delightful Scene Unfolds Outside of Ministry of Health

Actors portraying excess mucus stop local women Farika Hunzaga outside of the Ministry of Health this morning.

Palace of Revolutionary Health, 3 p.m. — Employees of the Ministry of Health donned delightful costumes portraying excess mucus — the inevitable result of winter colds — danced and sang outside of the Ministry of Health this morning, trying to spread the word about the importance of personal cleanliness in combating the spread of disease.

One such person, 37 year old Farika Hunzaga, an employee of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the mother of six, gratefully accepted several pamphlets on the importance of soap. “What a delightful way to spread the word about cleanliness!” she laughed. When asked to exit her vehicle and pose for a photograph for the Daily Truth, she happily complied.

When she could not adequately explain the dirt under her fingernails, however, she was shot in the head.

Her children, still in the car, cheered the swift action of the Ministry of Health Enforcement Squad.

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New Minister of Information Appointed

Newly-appointed Minister of Information Grigori Rasputin takes the oath of office earlier today.

Palace of Information and Truth, 5 p.m. — Both President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik attended the swearing-in ceremony for the PDFRK’s newest Minister of Information, Grigori Rasputin. Minister Rasputin arrived in Revodna only six months ago, as a newly-elected member of Congress for Sideria Province, following the death of his predecessor, who accidentally decapitated himself while opening a can of tuna. Minister Rasputin quickly made a name for himself in Revolutionary politics. Although it’s hard to say exactly how. But he did.

Following the swearing-in ceremony, Minister Rasputin held the audience literally spell-bound while he spoke for four hours about his life in eastern Sideria and … and … his commitment to the Revolution (maybe?). Something like that. But we were spellbound.

He also told us he has a very large penis.

We must take his word for it.

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100 Lik Note Now Available

Palace of the Peoples’ Bank of the PFDRK, 3 p.m. — Minister of Finance and Sport Janós Milka* today announced the immediate availability of the new 100 Lik notes. Early this morning, the notes were trucked to all the branches of the Peoples’ Bank throughout Koskovia. “These new notes will make the business transactions of every Koskovian much easier,” he explained. “Once again, we chose the bold color red to remind us all of the triumphs of the Revolution under President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice-Chairman Kulik.”

The reporter from StateTV One and RadioKOS inquired about the similarity of design to the 100 ruble notes used in the Russian Federation, which drew laughter from the Minister at such absurdities. “Such similarities simply do not exist.”

He continued: “I mean, it is not as if we just hijacked twelve truckloads of currency on its way from the European Banknote and Stamp Printing Corporation in Berlin to Moscow using a specially-selected strike team composed of our top fifteen soldiers who underwent ten months of training for such an operation; and who, once in control of the vehicles, used a variety of false passports to cross from Germany into the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, and finally Koskovia and arrived late last evening and spent the early dawn hours altering the faces of the bills.

“Such assertions are absurd.”

Editor’s Note: It is untrue and counter-revolutionary propaganda to assert that anyone named Gustav Hruska ever served as Minister of Finance and Sport. It is also entirely untrue that a non-person named Gustav Hruska turned up in the Revodnan sewer system without a head early this morning for bungling the design of the 5 Lik note. Trust us.

New Currency Issued

Palace of the Peoples’ Bank of the PFDRK, 4 p.m. — Standing in front of a large image of the redesigned 5 lik banknotes, Minister of Finance and Sport Gustav Hruska today announced the immediate availability of newly printed Lik notes.

The redesigned 5 lik notes, now being delivered to banks across the nation.

“Due to fasco-capitalist sabotage, our order for newly printed notes placed in October was delayed. Only after President and Chairman Vladik threatened harsh retaliation against the European Banknote and Stamp Printing Corporation were the new notes delivered,” the minister explained. “The new notes are being delivered to all of the local branches of the Peoples’ Bank — which were closed last October for cleaning and will re-open this afternoon —, and will be available for withdrawal by 9 a.m. tomorrow morning.”

“Therefore,” he continued, “bartering is once again illegal and we return to a cash-based economy.”

When asked by the reporter from StateTV and RadioKOS about the design process, the Minister replied: “We naturally chose a portrait of the President and Chairman to adorn the notes; and we chose the bright red lettering to remind our citizens of the Revolution. It is NOT TRUE that these are actually notes from the Republic of Moldova. Any suggestion along those lines is counter-revolutionary nonsense.”

There Is No Financial Crisis

Palace of the People, 4 p.m. — President & Chairman Vladik addressed the reporter from StateTV1 this afternoon after rumors circulated of a “financial crisis” in Koskovia.

“Let me be perfectly clear,” the President asserted forcefully. “There is NO financial crisis in the PFDRK. The Minister of Finance definitely did NOT seek a loan from the European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund in the amount of €500 million. Such rumors are simply fasco-capitialist nonsense.

“Further, the Peoples’ Bank of Koskovia definitely did NOT suddenly close three weeks ago because of a run on the bank. All PBK branches have been closed for cleaning and will re-open soon.

“There is a slight shortage of bank notes, but only because the printing presses at the Central Committee for Currency Printing are down for maintenance.

“It is UNTRUE that the Director-General of the Peoples’ Bank was taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance. He died when he accidentally tripped over a chair leg and landed head-first on a bullet he dropped earlier when cleaning his pistol.

“As to the disappearance of the former Director-Generals of the Peoples’ Investment Bank, the Peoples’ Mortgage Corporation, and the Peoples Sub-Prime Mortgage Company: they were, in fact, taken behind the chemical sheds and shot for malfeasance.

“Moreover, it is UNTRUE that myself, Deputy President Kulik, and members of the Central Committee have moved their personal funds to Switzerland for safe-keeping.

“Finally, let the people of the PFDRK know that the foundations of our socialist economy are strong. However, to stem any fears, the people are free to enter into bartering arrangements for goods and services until the Central Committee for Currency Printing gets the printing presses repaired and can issues new paper currency.

“Thank you all.”

Following his statement, the President departed the palace for the airport, where he will embark on a short vacation to Russia where he hopes to meet Prime Minister Putin’s new tiger cub.

Service Interruption Ends

Central Commission for Information Technology and Car Repair, 1 p.m. — The interweb service interruption that began on the 8th of June has now been fixed.

Citizens of Koskovia once again have access to the interweb. This includes all of the ministries of government as well. The CCITCR regrets the delay in restoring service.

The government of Koskovia is completely stable, and has been since the return to office of President and Chairman Vladik and Deputy President and Vice Chairman Kulik.

Tetrikov Agrees to Step Down

Top left: Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman and Speaker of the CPD Yvonne Tetrikov; top right: Deputy President and Deputy Chairman Josef Kulik; bottom left: President and Chairman Vladik.

Revodna, Noon — After several contentious and stormy party meetings in recent weeks, Acting President/Deputy President/Chairman and Speaker of the CPD Yvonne Tetrikov has agreed to step down and from her acting positions and allow President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik to resume their duties by Monday morning, 9 June.

Acting President Tetrikov took power when both Vladik and Kulik were victims of a terrorist attack earlier this year. It was believed at the time that agents of Dictarabistan had carried out the attacks. This is, however, unsocialist propaganda as KOSKOVIA AND DICTARABISTAN HAVE NEVER BEEN AT WAR WITH ONE ANOTHER (despite what some returning soldiers might say because of shock). It turns out that the attack was really a faulty gas line installed at the Presidential Palace lake-side cabin.

Tetrikov insisted that she would remain in office until both men were well enough to resume their duties. Only this morning did the Director-General of the Koskovian Revolutionary State Hospital (recently appointed by Tetrikov), Dr. Ivan Iskov, clear both men to return to office.

Tetrikov spoke to the reporter from StateTV1, RadioKOS, and The Daily Truth shortly after noon today. She explained:

“I believe that the best interests of the Koskovian people were served by my staying in office as long as was possib— necessary while the President and Deputy President recovered from the terrori— faulty gas line. I have always indicated that when Dr. Iskov pronounced them fully recovered, I would step aside from my acting positions, and this I have done.”

President Vladik will address the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies on Monday morning.

UPDATE, 3 p.m. — President Vladik released a statement this afternoon in which he relieved from duty the acting ForInDef Minister, along with the entire cabinet and Dr. Iskov.

UPDATE, 3:10 p.m. — Some members of the CPD have called for President Vladik to re-establish the position of Second Deputy President and to appoint Speaker Tetrikov to that position, in recognition of her fine work during the recent crisis.

UPDATE, 3:15 p.m. — Speaker Tetrikov has indicated that she will not seek reëlection to the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies when new elections are called.

UPDATE, 3:16 p.m. — Speaker Tetrikov and her companion, the former acting ForInDef, have both been killed in a car accident after leaving a brief meeting with Deputy President Kulik.

Unusual Political Difficulties Face Congress

Great Hall of the Revolutionary and Forward-Thinking People of the Peoples’ Free Democratic Republic of Koskovia, 4 p.m. — The members of the Congress of Peoples’ Deputies have returned to work today, but face a difficult challenge.

As Acting President/Chairman/Speaker Tetrikov gaveled the Congress into session, there arose immediate challenges to her refusal to step aside from her positions as Acting President and Acting Chairman of the Executive Council and allow President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik to resume their duties.

Both men are doing well but are still recovering from the recent terrorist attack against the Presidential Palace Cottage at Lake Koskovia. Physicians are divided on their exact status: the personal physicians to Vladik and Kulik insist they are fit to return to office, while the Director-General of the Koskovian Revolutionary State Hospital (recently appointed by Tetrikov) suggested that both men required four to six more weeks of physical therapy.

One member of the Congress, Boris Yulianov, took to the well of the Congress and demanded that she step down from those positions and allow President Vladik and Deputy President Kulik to return to office. “On behalf of the people of Koskovia, I insist that the Speaker recognize reality and lay down her acting positions at once! For the good of the nation, please Madam Speaker, STEP ASIDE!“

While a few members booed, most applauded Yulianov’s stand.

Tetrikov replied: “I will not step down until the doctors have given a clean bill of health to both the President and Deputy President. I doubt this will happen before June 3rd at the absolute earliest. However, I may remain until the Party Congress this August.”